The Thing About Cosmo

Guys who come over end up picking up the latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine. Tantalized by a sexy cover girl and some hella intriguing cover lines, they can’t help but flip through it. But after a few pages, they usually turn to me and say, “Why do girls read this stuff?”

I can’t speak for all women, but I can tell you why I read it….

I need a monthly reminder that guys like their balls touched.

For anyone who has read Cosmo, you are aware, I am sure, that that’s all this magazine is. You see the cover:

“101 Ways to Blow His Mind Tonight!” (Translation: “101 Ways to Touch His Balls.”)

“The Best Sex She Ever Gave Me!” (“The Night She Touched My Balls.”)

“HIS G-Spot!” (HIS BALLS.)

It’s not rocket science, Cosmo!

I love how they won’t actually refer to them as “balls” in the magazine. It’s always “his jewels” or “his boys.” Stroke “the twins.”

This is a magazine that publishes articles titled “Why Doggie Style is the New Missionary.” I think we’re beyond cute euphemisms.

With all the different ways to touch balls and pleasure “your man,” Cosmo is like an X-rated Dr. Seuss book each month.

“You can touch them with your mouth/You can touch them way down south/You can touch them with a feather/You can touch them wearing leather/You can tickle them with pearls/Or invite some other girls/Kneel before him like a saint/And do not neglect his taint.”

Of course I’m a subscriber.