In Good Standing

by Rachel on January 27, 2010

A few weeks ago, I was at my friend Jordan’s birthday party and I was wearing a new dress. It was cream, short-sleeved with a thick turtleneck and I wore it belted, with knee-high tan boots. I was sort of going for a sexy Obi-Wan Kenobe look, which wasn’t too hard, because the dress extended about three inches past my crotch. After saying hello to everyone at the party, I went to the living room where many of my friends were sitting. I didn’t sit down. The dress had proven to be an SRO dress.

Standing-room only dress (n.): a dress so short that one must stand while wearing it out of fear of flashing her undercarriage when standing back up after sitting down.

SRO dresses are popular in the tabloids these days. With every reality TV starlet flashing bits and pieces as they exit limos in SRO dresses, we’ve all become experts at lip reading.

An SRO dress is dangerous, especially if you wear it to a party where drinking is involved. At Jordan’s birthday party, after finishing my bottle of merlot, I decided it would be a good idea for me to sit on the kitchen counter. As I hoisted myself up and saw the face of the guy sitting across the room, I knew my SRO dress hadn’t stayed in place. Oops.

An SRO dress is better worn to a party than a club or a bar, simply because you’re likely get accidentally impregnated if you wear one to a place like that. I wore one to a club in Rome, and after I’d had a few drinks and decided I was the best dancer in the world, even standing, the dress just wasn’t covering much at all. And by then I didn’t have the good judgment to not sit down, so I lounged on the couch beside our table. That made from some necessary de-tagging upon my return.

Still, like the LBD, SRO dresses are an essential part of life. But exercise caution. A dress like this requires a perfectly executed bend-and-snap if you drop anything. There should be no beer pong and limited booty dancing. We’ve all seen the girl in the dress she doesn’t realize is giving everyone at the club a view generally reserved for one’s gynecologist. Wear your SRO dress, but don’t be That Girl. It can be done; grab some double stick tape and find a way to work it without pulling a “Basic Instinct.”

The SRO does have its benefits. They’re hot. They offer easy access. And if you have to pee in a bush as you’re walking home, you don’t have to hike anything up or pull anything down. (But speaking of bushes, if you’re heading out in an SRO dress…a bikini wax might be a good choice.)

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Laura Georgina January 27, 2010 at 8:04 am

I will tape these tips to my fridge both to A) brave me up to wear an SRO dress to carnival fetes and B) remember not to flash my “undercarriage” when I do so!
.-= Laura Georgina´s last blog ..Read and Run: In Which I Nurse a Bad Case of Mafia-Lit Obsession =-.

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2 amanda January 27, 2010 at 8:06 am

LMAO…this is so true and yet I am not brave enough to wear this dress. I am on the taller side as it is and always have to exercise major caution while wearing any dress that is suppose to be above the knee
.-= amanda´s last blog ..Mushroom Power = 1 up =-.

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3 Diane January 27, 2010 at 10:45 am

I had to execute a tricky bend-and-snap after wearing an SRO dress to a work function. (I wasn’t trying to be “That Girl” – I’d never worn the dress before and thought it covered a lot more thigh than it did.) Being my normal accident-prone self, I got a high heel stuck in the air conditioning grate, and in struggling to get free, I managed to spill some of the salsa I’d been carrying. Somehow, I was able to duck behind a table and bend-and-snap without displaying my junk to important Michigan lawmakers.

Never Again.
.-= Diane´s last blog ..February 22, 2001: The <3 Graph =-.

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4 Rachel January 27, 2010 at 2:04 pm

Diane, was it like the Bend and Snap in “Legally Blonde” when Paulette breaks the UPS man’s nose? That’s how I imagine it.

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5 jane January 27, 2010 at 3:17 pm

hahaha! not that leggings/tights are popular again, i wear those under SBOs.. keeps me warm and keeps me from mooning/flashing innocent bystanders. WIN!

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6 Diane January 27, 2010 at 8:07 pm

Yes, Rachel. It was EXACTLY like that. FML.

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7 Michelle @ Eatingjourney January 28, 2010 at 6:33 am

I heart this. Thanks for always keeping me on my toes.
.-= Michelle @ Eatingjourney´s last blog ..Fitness Goals: Need Advice =-.

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