A few weeks ago, I was at my friend Jordan’s birthday party and I was wearing a new dress. It was cream, short-sleeved with a thick turtleneck and I wore it belted, with knee-high tan boots. I was sort of going for a sexy Obi-Wan Kenobe look, which wasn’t too hard, because the dress extended about three inches past my crotch. After saying hello to everyone at the party, I went to the living room where many of my friends were sitting. I didn’t sit down. The dress had proven to be an SRO dress.
Standing-room only dress (n.): a dress so short that one must stand while wearing it out of fear of flashing her undercarriage when standing back up after sitting down.
SRO dresses are popular in the tabloids these days. With every reality TV starlet flashing bits and pieces as they exit limos in SRO dresses, we’ve all become experts at lip reading.
An SRO dress is dangerous, especially if you wear it to a party where drinking is involved. At Jordan’s birthday party, after finishing my bottle of merlot, I decided it would be a good idea for me to sit on the kitchen counter. As I hoisted myself up and saw the face of the guy sitting across the room, I knew my SRO dress hadn’t stayed in place. Oops.
An SRO dress is better worn to a party than a club or a bar, simply because you’re likely get accidentally impregnated if you wear one to a place like that. I wore one to a club in Rome, and after I’d had a few drinks and decided I was the best dancer in the world, even standing, the dress just wasn’t covering much at all. And by then I didn’t have the good judgment to not sit down, so I lounged on the couch beside our table. That made from some necessary de-tagging upon my return.
Still, like the LBD, SRO dresses are an essential part of life. But exercise caution. A dress like this requires a perfectly executed bend-and-snap if you drop anything. There should be no beer pong and limited booty dancing. We’ve all seen the girl in the dress she doesn’t realize is giving everyone at the club a view generally reserved for one’s gynecologist. Wear your SRO dress, but don’t be That Girl. It can be done; grab some double stick tape and find a way to work it without pulling a “Basic Instinct.”
The SRO does have its benefits. They’re hot. They offer easy access. And if you have to pee in a bush as you’re walking home, you don’t have to hike anything up or pull anything down. (But speaking of bushes, if you’re heading out in an SRO dress…a bikini wax might be a good choice.)