You guys know that I like to be up on everything up to the minute and sexually transmitted diseases are no exception. If you don’t protect yourself and are planning to be one of the 16 million new cases diagnosed in this new year, but you still want an STD that screams “I’m trendy!!!” then you better take some notes.
HPV/Genital Warts. It’s the must-have STD for the person who takes fitting in very seriously. It’s an epidemic among college-age adults, so if you’re trendy because you’re wearing the same jacket, boots, and Blackberry as every girl on campus, this is probably the STD for you. It’s the one most of your friends (about 6 million or so) are going to have. If you spot what looks like cauliflower growing on your nether regions, pat yourself on the back, cause now you’re in with the cool kids! A word of caution: this virus can lead to infertility in women. Hey, what’s worse? Losing your childbearing potential or being so last season?
Chlamydia. You know how every clique of hot girls has the ugly one who hangs out with them? She’s sort of athletic and brutish looking, popular cause her older brother is, and is a total drunkass; when she rolls into a party with all the hot girls, you wonder why they hang out with her. Everyone thinks she’s cool, but no one can figure out why? Yeah…chlamydia is that friend. It usually hangs out with super popular Gonorrhea and is actually more popular, but just doesn’t come to mind when it comes to Homecoming Queen elections. Chlamydia is spreading its love to about 3 million this year, so learn her name now. She’s curable, but only if you know she’s there — which you may not, because she’s often symptomless. She can zap your fertility, but if you’re the kind of girl who wears stilettos in the snow in the name of fashion, I think you’ve got what it takes.
Trichomoniasis. You heard it here first. Trich is going to lead the pack this year in STDs. Making an appearance on every red carpet and hot party in town, it’s going to infect about 8 million people this year. It’s one of the most STD in women, so it’s a good one to have; a round of antibiotics will cure it quickly and it doesn’t do as much damage as some of the others. Having Trich tells people that you’re on the cutting edge — you walked down the street wearing huge sunglasses and carrying Starbucks before Mary-Kate Olsen ever did! — and you take risks. You’ll know you’ve got the hottest STD in town when you feel itchy and inflamed, have a nasty discharge, and smell foul. But you’ll still be popular and that burning sensation will go away…hopefully before the hot jock BF finds out about it!
Genital Herpes. Easily spread and contracted, genital herpes is so 2004. It only hit 1 million of us last year, so it’s not going to make you feel cool. Even less cool: it’s treatable, but not curable. It hangs on it your nervous system and then you periodically break out in blisters all over your crotch. At this point, the iPod or our moms getting herpes is like our moms getting on Facebook. It’s way past trendy and now just borderlines on lame. And P.S. Herpes is spread easily through oral sex so all you “virgins” out there who aren’t having “real” sex, please be smart. A virgin with herpes is a sad sight indeed.
Syphillis. Sooooo mid-20th century. However, if you’re a dirty hipster who only buys vintage clothes (or overpriced pretend-vintage clothes) and listens to your parents’ old records, go ahead and get the syph. It’s curable, and, because it’s rare, you just might be able to pull it off by calling it “ironic.”
Bacterial Vaginosis. BV has symptoms and treatment similar to chlamydia and gonorrhea, but just doesn’t shout “I’m having multiple orgasms with multiple partners!” like you want it to. Some docs call it an STD, some don’t. It’s more washed up than the cast of “Dancing With the Stars.” Stay away from this D-lister. When it comes to STDs, at least try get it from some hot S, not a dirty toilet seat.
HIV/AIDS. HIV has experienced a definite Britney Spears style fall from grace. Once front page news, now it’s just sad. But just like the producers who let Brit take the stage at the VMAs year after year, some of us believe a comeback is always possible. Still, who wants to get the comeback kid STD, especially one that will kill you? If you don’t fuck around when it comes to trends, then by all means, go for it. But I say leave HIV to the characters in “Rent,” and go out get something fun and curable, like the ones listed above.
There you have it. The Hot List. I was also going to list the hottest condoms, but then I realized that would prevent this list from being necessary, and I like this one much better.