Back at Borders, my aunt Kara, my date for the evening, asked me what happened to the earrings I had been wearing earlier. “I took them off.” Why? “Because I didn’t want to lose them.” A little while later, she asked where my bangles were. “I took them off.” Why? “Because they were really loud and annoying.” A minute later she asked where my ring was. I turned red and just said, “I removed a lot of things this afternoon, OK?”
We got in the line for Chelsea at 5:00. Borders had it organized so well. The wristbands were all different colors, so we just lined up by color. We were in the second group, which was cool. They had given out 500 wristbands, but rumor had it (I love how rumors go around crowds like this) that she wasn’t going to get through the entire line. She was supposed to be there at 5:30 but she was super late (I’m pretty sure due to travel, not her own bitchy celebrity). Everyone was just standing around waiting. It was great people watching. Besides all the cute gay boys, there was the parade of delusion from Birmingham’s finest women. There were so many Botoxed, cougar wannabes out for their girls’ nights in their heels and sparkly tops and low-rise jeans. It was like a MILF beauty pageant.
Finally, around 6:15, there was a loud gay shriek. And then another. As all the homos creamed themselves and there was a ripple of applause, we knew she had arrived. She walked right by where we were in line and the first thing I realized is how tiny she is! Not like how all celebrities are ridic skinny in person — no, she’s just like 5 feet tall. She’s like Polly Pocket!
The line moved pretty quickly. They had said there could be no posed photos, which was a bummer, but understandable, given the time issue. Once we got to a certain point, we couldn’t take pics anymore, but I managed to get some decent ones from further away.
When we got up to the table, I got a little star struck. Shape Magazine had said in person she was way smaller and way younger-looking and this was so true! She was so pretty — really big blue eyes, bright blonde hair, super-white teeth. She was also so nice and bubbly. I guess because she’s so bitchy and sarcastic on her show, I expected her to be like that in person, but she was outgoing, friendly, and enthusiastic. She was sincerely thanking everyone for coming and for buying her book.
The line moved so fast, which she apologized for as well. When I was at the table she said, “Sorry they are going to fast, you guys…it’s because I was late…and now I’m going to be fucking late for my show too!” Things went from Girl Crush to full-out Hero in that moment.
Are You There, Vodka?
We knew the show would start late because she was still at Borders, but we headed right to the Fox anyway. We had wanted to get dinner first, but we weren’t really hungry. We had snacked at Borders. In honor of F*ck Calorie Friday I had a white chocolate bliss mocha (ahh, I remember now why I gained ten pounds on those things), a banana, and a granola bar. I had also grabbed some fruit and nuts from the cafe in case I needed something later. As soon as we got to the Fox, I was hungry (of course). But, like Chelsea often does, I decided to drink my dinner.
I headed to the bar, where I got a double Belvedere and water. (The line was so long, so I figured I’d make it a double.) There was great people watching there too, but the people at the Fox were considerably cuter than the people at Borders. Besides all the gay guys, there were tons of sorostitutes and former sorostitutes out on girl dates, so the fashion was pretty good. Right after I got my drink, I settled in, started chugging, and then it was time for the show to begin!