Good morning! Welcome to the new theme week!
Since today is 4/20, I figured we’d start off “Getting You Higher” week with a little chat about going green. I talk a lot about certain vices like boozing and sexing, but I realized…I’ve been neglecting my readers who like reefer!
And…I know you’re out there. So, my bud buddies, today is your day! Just like I encourage your ladies-who-liquid-lunch counterparts to have three tequila shots instead of six, here’s how you can make pot a little healthier.
[Disclaimer: if you aren’t reading this from Amsterdam or treating your glaucoma, you should probably stop reading right now.]
Your lungs. First, how are you going about getting high? There are so many different ways to get high and if you’re really hardcore about being high and healthy, you should actually skip smoking and just bake with it. (Of course, I love cooking, so this is an out-of-the-park alternative in my book.) You can make butter with it and then bake it in things like brownies. If you aren’t feeling like Betty Stoner, then the next healthiest thing is to use a vaporizer. They aren’t super common because they are expensive, but they do get rid of a lot of the carcinogens that are released when you burn weed.
Your peepers. There’s nothing more annoying than a pretty girl with eyes so bloodshot she looks like a zombie. Get some good eye drops. I love Rohto Ice Redness Relief. These are seriously amazing drops in general, but when you’re high, you’ll love that icy, menthol-esque effect.
Your waistline. This is a big concern for all the so-called stiletto stoners out there. They like that pot doesn’t have the calories of, say, a glass of wine, but they don’t want to ruin that with a major binge. And you don’t want to be that lazy, sluggish burnout who never leaves the couch and gains a ton of weight from too many trips to the vending machine.
First, make a deal with yourself that you have to get in some exercise first. And get that cardio, girl, cause, let me tell you, if you’re, say, training for a marathon, you’ll build some big-ass lungs and when you do smoke, you’ll appreciate it that much more.
Next, plan ahead. Just like drinking or going to the grocery store, you shouldn’t smoke on an empty stomach. Either eat something before so you’re less hungry or plan that you’ll eat a really good home-cooked meal afterward. It’s also a good idea to just tell yourself, “I’m NOT going to use this as an excuse to get Jimmy John’s.” We will not let our inner potheads enable our inner fatties, so just tell yourself that from the get-go.
You can chew gum to help with that desire to move your jaw, or you can keep healthy snacks on hand that you can crunch through. One of my friends swears by cashews, but I also recommend Baked Lays. They are crunchy and salty and you can get them in portion-control packs.
Speaking of baked lays, having sex when high is a pretty interesting experience. Some women say they like it better than anything and only want to have sex high. I do NOT recommend this. I mean, that could lead to problems if you want to have a spontaneous quickie. Pausing to roll a blunt is more awkward than pausing to unroll a condom. The way I see it, high sex should be rare, for special occasions — like anal sex is for guys.
Like any vice, if you’re going to do it, be smart about it!
Any other tips from the midnight tokers out there?