Oh, you guys…I just met my husband.
So this afternoon, after getting up to teach spinning, falling asleep and dreaming I was traveling through Europe, reading for a few hours, and transferring everything to our new fridge (!!!) I headed to Wal-Mart. (For the sake of this story just ignore the fact that I went to Wal-Mart; I went for a number of reasons, the main one being I knew if I went to Target, I’d spend too much money on stupid stuff, whereas Wal-Mart is such a turn-off I know I won’t spend too much time there.)
I headed directly to sporting goods, where I was looking for the Danskin yoga blocks I had just found online. When I got there, I saw a guy with green Danskin yoga blocks in his hand. The shelf appeared empty, so my first thought was, “Homeslice better step off!” Once I saw there was a second set of yoga blocks (purple), I picked them up. My next thought was, “Homeslice looks like a guy I’d sleep with!” Now, obviously, I have enough game to know that this is when I should have said something and I actually looked cute enough to flirt…but I got a little flustered at this point because I started thinking that he was buying them for his gf who was going to walk up at any minute. Maybe she was just looking at water bottles or something the next aisle over. But then I thought that he would have bought the purple blocks if they were for a girl, but I’m a girl, and I would have wanted the green ones, so I wasn’t sure. Also, he didn’t smile at me or acknowledge that a cute girl in bomb Nikes was buying the same item he was, so then I was just confused. And once I start to overthink things, I’m done for. Then I picked up a green yoga mat, which I dropped, and got even more flustered.
So I was checking him out out of the corner of my eye and thinking if he would pick up a product I already owned (pretty goddamn likely in this aisle) then I could make my move by saying, “Oh, you don’t want to buy that,” and giving him a review. But he was looking at those “Perfect Push-ups” things which is like the one thing I haven’t tried (note to self: damnit!!) and I was “ignoring” him and looking at yoga towels which I had no interest in buying but just wanted to linger. Finally, we both moved on. I went to look at scales, another thing on my list, but decided not to buy one.
A little while later, I was looking at meat (it’s a “super” Wal-Mart) and hunting for any sort of non-sodium steeped pork product (non-existent) when he came up behind me. So I was proceeding down the line checking the nutrition facts on everything (probably when I really blew it because he was like, “This chick is crazy,” but I just wanted to scream, “Yes, I read ingredients labels! You don’t want me to raise our kids to have hypertension do you?!!”) and he was sort of following along behind me, examining the products moments after I was. It was bizarre. I was thoroughly creeped out at that point.
Not only did he look and dress like every guy I’ve been into lately (I’ve been off Jewish Republicans and onto clean-cut sorta-crunchy white guys…I know…weird), but then I got a look at his cart. Ummm….well along with the green yoga blocks, he had the scale I had decided not to buy. And he also had the same produce as I did (including asparagus — not the most commonly bought thing in Wal-Mart!) As I settled on organic, free-range chicken thighs (who knew, Wal-Mart?!) I wondered, How could he not realize that we were soul mates?!?!?
I lingered. He still hadn’t noticed me, or my basket, which at this point I found a little absurd because by now, several other guys and stock boys had noticed me and were giving me attention. I love grocery shopping so I would love to meet the love of my life as we locked eyes in a grocery store…but it wasn’t meant to be. He didn’t choose my check-out line.
So he was the one who got away…but it’s probably just as well. I can’t be telling my grandkids I met the love of my life at Wal-Mart.