Boomerang Boom Boom

by Rachel on May 24, 2010

In the last few years, what with the economy and all, the “boomerang generation” has really made a name for itself. You go to school, leave home, and then…you come back.

That’s exactly what I did! Was it my ideal plan? No. Did it allow me to build the career I wanted? Absolutely. And I’d probably do it for longer, but the fact is…I can’t anymore. And you know why?

Because as much as I love free rent, I hate the logistics of trying to have sex.

Now, being a boomerang kid isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s annoying, yes, and your carpal tunnel will get bad because seriously, there are no truly silent vibrators, but it’s manageable.

Until you meet a boomerang boy.

When you first meet, you think that it is so great. You’re like, OK, I have this kinda shitty aspect of my life that I’m kind of self-conscious about, but at least I’ve finally met someone who gets that! We’re so on the same page here! So you bond over it and then you get into each other and then…then you stop recognizing your sex life.

It’s like high school, but with way more sexual frustration — who knew that was possible? But oh…it is. Because at the age of 25, you’re probably pretty cool telling guys what you want, and vice versa. (Thanks, text messaging!) And you probably just want it more than you did in high school. (Thanks, first guy who got me off!) So just like any girl, you’re getting texts that are like, “I want to f*ck”…and then you’re responding…”OMG I want to f*ck you so bad. Is your mom home?”

And then it’s like, “Ugh, seriously?? Well…how big is your backseat?”

And even if you get lucky and Mom is away, having sex in the old bedroom isn’t quite the same once you graduate from high school. Looking around for things to spice up the act and it’s like…Oh, do you think we could do something with those old soccer trophies??

Now, one thing that’s awesome about being out of college is that I no longer have to stalk Facebook to find out if a guy is going to a bunch of other sorostitutes’ date parties. Huge bonus!

But with boomerang boys, it’s a whole new ball game. Because then you find yourself wondering…Does he really live with his mom? Or does he live with his wife??

Think about that for a few seconds.

The first time I considered that, I almost didn’t consider it. But then I forced myself to, and I realized, HOLY SHIT, MAYBE HIS WIFE IS THE ONE WHO WE’RE AVOIDING.

Not OK. That right there is enough to inspire a quarter-life crisis in even the most confident girl.

Now, I’ve had a lot of “My life is ridiculous” moments. Not bad. Not rock bottom. Just ridiculous. But nothing was more ridiculous than the day I found myself reaching my sexual tension limits and discussing hotel options with a boomerang boy.

Me: I don’t want to go somewhere cheap. I want to feel like a high-class call girl, not a streetwalker. And I don’t want to get crabs from the comforter.

Him: I’ll bring sheets?

Me: OMG you’re so romantic!

As we headed to a totally tawdry motel for a boomerang-on-boomerang tryst (I know…I just can’t help myself…), he said, “I feel like I’m cheating on my wife.” I said, “That’s because I’m pretty sure you are.”

He thought I was kidding but I had totally searched marriage records the day before.

Honestly, at that point I had just sort of given up on the idea of having a normal relationship until I moved out. When boomerang girl meets boomerang boy, there’s very little booming out going on, and that can be really hard to deal with. And for all the sneaking around and hassle, the sex has to be pretty amazing.

But luckily, I’m done with most of that nonsense. I’m moving out next month because seriously…Suze Orman might disagree, but I’m pretty sure there comes a point when the need to get laid > the need to save money.

{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Rachel Marlena May 24, 2010 at 1:56 pm

“he thought I was kidding but I had totally searched marriage records the day before.”

THANK YOU for in addition to admitting you are DIK, admitting you have ridiculously awesome stalking abilities. I’ve answered way too many questions with, “Oh well I know that because first I googles this, then hacked into that, then used my sister’s old myspace to…” and it feels damn good to know I am not alone lol.

Reply

2 Rachel May 24, 2010 at 3:23 pm

Haha you know Rachel I could write a whole post on how little I stalk. I don’t stalk Facebook and I don’t snoop at all (like ever…seriously, probably to my own detriment)…but yeah, when it comes to marriage records, I think we’re in a whole new league!

Reply

3 Becca May 24, 2010 at 4:54 pm

this post just explains it all. i’ve been out of my parents for the second time for about four months now, and the seven or so months that i was back were killer! not to mention the boyfriend was over an hour away. love the hotel thing, when i was living in my sorority house and my boyfriend came from out of state, we shacked at the days inn, and once had to stay in a different town because my school was hosting the ESPN game of the week, talk about scandalous ;)

Reply

4 Rachel May 24, 2010 at 6:44 pm

OMG tres scandalous.

Sad fact: it is easier to sneak guys into a sorority house than your parentals’!

Reply

5 Dori May 24, 2010 at 8:40 pm

I laughed many times throughout this post. So did Adrian. You are great. I am so glad you are moving out. It actually made me think of high school when I used to sneak my boyfriend in through my 6th floor fire escape window! But we never had sex and, well, we were 16. I can’t imagine doing it now and THANK G-D YOU ARE MOVING OUT. You will get to have the sex you deserve: on the floor of your very own kitchen!
.-= Dori´s last blog ..Special Friday Post – YogaVibes Giveaway Winner =-.

Reply

6 Rachel May 24, 2010 at 8:50 pm

Literal LOL at your comment Dori!! I am sort of sad that when I move out I’ll no longer have hotel room stories to share but something else new/ridiculous always comes along.

Also, I hope Leah is okay with the whole kitchen thing…!!

Reply

7 midgetkeeper May 24, 2010 at 8:54 pm

This had me laughing so loud. I remember those days after I moved back home for a while.

Reply

8 Rachel's Mom May 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm

The whole time I was reading this I was thinking, “Just get a hotel room. ” Glad to know you finally figured it out. However, it can get expensive. Maybe you can get some hotel rewards points or something going on. Or, maybe some positive comments on your blog for a free/reduced price night? You’re a resourceful girl. I am sure you’ll find something to work in your favor.

Reply

9 Rachel May 25, 2010 at 8:00 am

My mom is suggesting that I call the Red Roof Inn and suggest that I endorse their hotel chain as “best place for boomerang sex” in an effort to save money.

And people WONDER why I am the way I am…

Reply

10 Jackie (Peaces of Earth) August 27, 2010 at 12:27 am

OMG, this is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.

Reply

11 Laura Georgina May 24, 2010 at 11:02 pm

Oh man, you and your mom have the best relationship–love her comment!!

I only tried sneaking the boyfriend in while I was in college. Surprisingly, the parents were ok, but there were a few times when I had to sneak him out the back basement door and through the neighbor’s yard lest any visiting relatives catch him.

Maybe hotel reviews for free stays till moving-time?

Reply

12 MelissaNibbles May 25, 2010 at 3:49 am

I haven’t lived at home since I graduated high school, but I used to sneak my boyfriend into my parents house after they went to bed. I was such a whore! hahaha!
Great post!

Reply

13 Kendra May 25, 2010 at 1:31 pm

OMG this was hilarious… especially your mom’s comment. Although I’ve never had to sneak in general (I was always free to come and go as I pleased and with whom I pleased) I get your overall feelings here.

Reply

14 Lu September 7, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Oh god, I’m there right now. I can’t wait for one of us to move out. SOON.

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: