In the last few years, what with the economy and all, the “boomerang generation” has really made a name for itself. You go to school, leave home, and then…you come back.
That’s exactly what I did! Was it my ideal plan? No. Did it allow me to build the career I wanted? Absolutely. And I’d probably do it for longer, but the fact is…I can’t anymore. And you know why?
Because as much as I love free rent, I hate the logistics of trying to have sex.
Now, being a boomerang kid isn’t the worst thing in the world. It’s annoying, yes, and your carpal tunnel will get bad because seriously, there are no truly silent vibrators, but it’s manageable.
Until you meet a boomerang boy.
When you first meet, you think that it is so great. You’re like, OK, I have this kinda shitty aspect of my life that I’m kind of self-conscious about, but at least I’ve finally met someone who gets that! We’re so on the same page here! So you bond over it and then you get into each other and then…then you stop recognizing your sex life.
It’s like high school, but with way more sexual frustration — who knew that was possible? But oh…it is. Because at the age of 25, you’re probably pretty cool telling guys what you want, and vice versa. (Thanks, text messaging!) And you probably just want it more than you did in high school. (Thanks, first guy who got me off!) So just like any girl, you’re getting texts that are like, “I want to f*ck”…and then you’re responding…”OMG I want to f*ck you so bad. Is your mom home?”
And then it’s like, “Ugh, seriously?? Well…how big is your backseat?”
And even if you get lucky and Mom is away, having sex in the old bedroom isn’t quite the same once you graduate from high school. Looking around for things to spice up the act and it’s like…Oh, do you think we could do something with those old soccer trophies??
Now, one thing that’s awesome about being out of college is that I no longer have to stalk Facebook to find out if a guy is going to a bunch of other sorostitutes’ date parties. Huge bonus!
But with boomerang boys, it’s a whole new ball game. Because then you find yourself wondering…Does he really live with his mom? Or does he live with his wife??
Think about that for a few seconds.
The first time I considered that, I almost didn’t consider it. But then I forced myself to, and I realized, HOLY SHIT, MAYBE HIS WIFE IS THE ONE WHO WE’RE AVOIDING.
Not OK. That right there is enough to inspire a quarter-life crisis in even the most confident girl.
Now, I’ve had a lot of “My life is ridiculous” moments. Not bad. Not rock bottom. Just ridiculous. But nothing was more ridiculous than the day I found myself reaching my sexual tension limits and discussing hotel options with a boomerang boy.
Me: I don’t want to go somewhere cheap. I want to feel like a high-class call girl, not a streetwalker. And I don’t want to get crabs from the comforter.
Him: I’ll bring sheets?
Me: OMG you’re so romantic!
As we headed to a totally tawdry motel for a boomerang-on-boomerang tryst (I know…I just can’t help myself…), he said, “I feel like I’m cheating on my wife.” I said, “That’s because I’m pretty sure you are.”
He thought I was kidding but I had totally searched marriage records the day before.
Honestly, at that point I had just sort of given up on the idea of having a normal relationship until I moved out. When boomerang girl meets boomerang boy, there’s very little booming out going on, and that can be really hard to deal with. And for all the sneaking around and hassle, the sex has to be pretty amazing.
But luckily, I’m done with most of that nonsense. I’m moving out next month because seriously…Suze Orman might disagree, but I’m pretty sure there comes a point when the need to get laid > the need to save money.