People often don’t understand how I can love guys so much…and I can love banging them but also love dating them but also love being in love with them. Most girls say they can’t keep it all separate. But I know within one conversation with a guy what I want…because I’ve already rated him.
Yes…I rate guys. With numbers. But…it’s probably not what you think.
The scale is something I’ve shared with my friends informally over the years, as a way of explaining my feelings on certain guys. When I presented it to a good friend last night at happy hour, in an effort to help her understand a guy situation she was dealing with, she declared it “life-changing” and said, “I wish I had known this sooner.”
When I hear that, I know it’s time to share my secret.
It’s probably going to give the guys who still stalk me something to think about but ya know…maybe it’s time they knew.
But more important, it’s definitely time for more women to know! So I present to you…
Now I’m not just some man-objectifying biatch. These numbers are not about looks, skillz, inches, or anything like that. They just help me keep my head straight. They also help me decide when to take off my pants.
Allow me to explain…
0. Zero is for zero chemistry. No. Never. Not a chance. This isn’t saying he’s unattractive or anything…I just have a pretty specific type and don’t usually have chemistry with guys who aren’t my type. This is a guy whom I can be really good friends with and set up with my best girl friends but no…I’d never hit.
1. One is for “one-night stand.” Like, we may have amazing chemistry but we have nothing in common except a shared desire to see each other naked. I mean, yes I have a type, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t ended up in bed with bearded hippies before. They were Ones.
2. Twos are guys I like a little more than Ones; we might have things in common but we’re just not compatible. A lot of frat guys in college were Twos. Like, we can enjoy some sexy sarcastic banter and have a pretty good conversation about Greek Week….but they misuse “your” and “you’re.” I like them…but I don’t like their taste in music or books. I can just tell it wouldn’t really work out. I like them…but I don’t really care about them. I can have several Twos and once…and I’m not really concerned if they have other girls too.
3. Threes are the guys I can tell I have chemistry with and truly really like but I’m not totally sure where it’s going. This is usually where I’m most comfortable. I love dating! I love meeting new guys and being excited about them and wondering where it’s going to go. Threes are so fun! I wouldn’t have more than two Threes at once because I really do like them and don’t want to mess things up. (But until it’s on Facebook, I don’t have a problem with having two of them!) A Three can become a Four…or can become a Two. It usually all goes back to grammar.
4. This is a guy I like enough to hang out with on a weeknight. (I’m really selfish with my time/sleep during the week so that’s a big step.) I’ll spend the night in his bed even though I know it will cost me sleep and I’ll probably actually cuddle with him (for like 10 minutes max though). A Four is a guy I want to be my Facebook Official Boyfriend. I might not want to wife him, but I have really strong feelings for him and I think our relationship is going to be an important one.
5. Oooh weee…I am not messing around here; when it comes to a Five, I want a rock on my finger. I am in love, watching wedding shows, and imagining what our kids would look like. I can’t even think about dating another guy. I would be comfortable with him meeting my crazy family and I’m pretty sure we should move in together, like…tomorrow. For me, Fives are rare — as well they should be! When you lose a Five, it hurts.
(And that is why I don’t like math.)
Now the Male Scale might seem a little ridiculous, but it actually really helps me…because I’m not so much rating the guys as I’m rating my feelings.
When you’re meeting guys, you need to know what you want. Sometimes I can say, “I’m only looking for Twos right now,” and it’s just better to know that and act accordingly (tequila, anyone?!). But I’ve also realized that you have to be honest with yourself and figure out what you want based on each individual guy.
If a guy is a Three or higher, I also wait at least three dates to sleep with him. That probably clears up a lot of confusion for guys who don’t understand how I can blog about my sex life and then get all, “How dare you!?” when they go for my skirt.
Really, though, sometimes people don’t understand the whole “having sex with a guy you aren’t dating” thing. They can’t separate sex from relationships. And there’s nothing wrong with that! But because I sort of know ahead of time what I want from a guy, I just sex accordingly. (And if I know a guy is a Zero, I don’t accept a dinner invite because I don’t want to sex at all.)
Sex too soon can make you turn a Three into a Four way too soon and that is not pretty. Not pretty at all.
One thing I’ve become aware of is that I never really want a Four or a Five…until I meet him. Then being in a relationship — with him — is all I want.
I’ve never told any guys about this and I’d never tell a guy where he stands; it’s just a way that I can be honest with myself about what I want from guys. And I think this is a lesson a lot of girls could stand to learn. If a guy is a Four and you tell yourself he’s a Two and so then sleep with him…you’re going to be really, really hurt when he casually mentions he’s sleeping with other people. If you see a guy as a Five and he sees you as a One, you need to run away. Run.
And that’s the part that my friend said was life-changing. I think a lot of us make a habit of pretending we don’t care about a guy in an effort to not feel rejected or hurt if he doesn’t feel the same way. But I don’t anymore. If a guy is a Four, I accept that and don’t pretend he’s anything less. And yes, it hurts, but I try to think about how I feel about Twos or Threes and I remember…it’s not personal. I just don’t feel that. And nothing they do will change my mind. And you can’t change a guy’s mind. If you see a guy as a Four and he sees you as a Zero, taking diet pills is not going to help. It’s time to move on.
And remember, you should rate yourself too! You are somebody’s Four. You are somebody’s FIVE! I’m a dating optimist. I truly believe that there is a guy who is my Five who thinks I’m a Five too and hello —