The No Asshole Workout

by Rachel on June 3, 2010

(Because every good diet needs a spin-off workout, right?!)

Exercise is a vital part of the No Asshole Diet. But if you are doing it as part of the No Asshole Diet, it helps to choose exercises that really meet your specific needs. Different workouts are good depending on where you are in the diet. This is one time I’ll say don’t listen to your body; listen to your heart!

Because the fact is, a broken heart and a spurned heart and a pissed heart and a bitter heart are all very different things and require very different types of exercise to fix. But as your favorite personal trainer, I’ve made a little guide to help you!

The “Let me blow your mind” workout. This is the cardio that requires some mental effort. By the time you’re done, your head feels empty. What were you stressed about again? Oh…you forgot. That guy just seems a million miles away now. For me, spinning is perfect for this, because I constantly have to think about my body. I’m listening to the instructor (even if I am the instructor) and I really have to concentrate. I can’t think about what might be bothering me because all I can think about is holding on for dear life and moving my ass. Running sprints or doing a hard, sweaty elliptical session does it for me too.

The “Let me analyze this to death” workout. While your body is moving, your mind is free to really work through the issue. This can be good if you really need to look at a problem from all angles. For me, I do this best while running at a steady pace. Running doesn’t require much effort from my head. I can easily put one foot in front of the other without thinking about it. By the time I’m done running, I’ve usually had some epiphanies. (Trainer’s tip: don’t do this if you’ve already been analyzing the situation for three days. Then you’re just going to dwell further and get super emo.)

The “Fuck you” workout. This is for when you’re still angry. He dumped you, he cheated, he lied. You’re just pissed and you need to be physical with your aggression. This is quite often lifting heavy weights or kickboxing. I could probably make a whole playlist for this style of workout, but trust me when I say Eminem’s “Puke” should be the first song on it! By the time you’re done, you feel somewhat vindicated…or at least like you could beat that other girl’s ass in a bar fight.

The “Fuck you for missing out on this” workout. This is for when you’re beginning to move on but you’re still kind of angry so you decide to use that anger for good and go after a Revenge Body. It’s the exercise that makes you feel good and look good…but more important, makes you feel really sexy. Cardio striptease or really any dance workouts are great for this (provided it’s not Jazzercise). Core Fusion does it for me. When you’re done, you’d probably walk through the gym in nothing but a sports bra and booty shorts because you just feel hot. You know that if he saw you now, he’d regret it.

When you’re on the No Asshole Diet, you’ll probably go through all these different types of workouts. I’ve cried on my runs and sworn on my bike. I’ve kicked and punched and crunched and stretched my way through everything. But I’ve found that sweating really does help you stop sweatin’ that guy.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Emily June 3, 2010 at 9:39 am

I LOVE this! I also think it could be used for other things in life that screw you over! I went through the first three types of when I got five rejection letters in a row for grad schools I had applied to. I cried while running, beat the hell out of a punching bag and lost myself in spinning for two weeks before the acceptance letters started rolling in. I think the “asshole” workout applies to more than just ex-boyfriends and/or that guy you were in an “it’s complicated” facebook relationship with.

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2 Rachel June 3, 2010 at 9:41 am

Emily — YES! You toooootallly get it! I realized that after I wrote it too. But I love the idea that teachers are assholes, grad schools are assholes…basically anyone who rejects you is an asshole.

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3 Laura Georgina June 3, 2010 at 10:08 am

My best workouts always used to happen after some kind of frustrating incident at work. I’d just visualize whoever had been asshole-y to me and picture running/cycling/ellipticalling them flat. No better way to picture the ultimate demise of anyone who bursts your calm-n-happy bubble….
.-= Laura Georgina´s last blog ..Routine: How To Take Care of Business in a Houseful of Crazy Women =-.

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4 melissa June 3, 2010 at 1:43 pm

I definitely use the last two when I am in a fight with a bf. They rock. Nothing summons energy than the I want to be hotter than you mentality.

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