They had me at “Tater Tilapia Tilabia.”
After creeping around on the blog for a couple days, wondering why on earth I hadn’t thought of this myself, I found…the cookbook! One Amazon Prime order later, Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook’s Guide to Getting Laid was at my doorstep.
I didn’t think the cookbook would be better than the blog, but oh…it is! Before you get into the actual recipes, there’s just a lot of really hilarious chapters on the whole idea of Cook to Bang. The author, Spencer Walker, argues that the world’s greatest pleasures are food and sex, that the only way the human race can continue is through eating and banging (true!), and that cooking is the smartest way to score.
I literally laughed out loud through the entire book. The chapter “Cooking to Bang Through History” was ridiculous (in a good way!) with expressions like “Tut banged every Egyptian he could wrap his papyrus around” and “it must have been easy to abstain when you roll with a sausage party of twelve.” As a hedonistic history nerd, I appreciated the quick overview of humankind’s pursuit of these two great pleasures.
But I didn’t expect it to be part cookbook, part dating book. I thought it was just, “Show up, cook, get ass,” but there’s more to it than that. Cook to Bang is definitely an anti-douche bag movement, a way for the underdog to score. When Walker was a freshman in college, he was a “scrawny hippie with a weed habit that made Cheech and Chong look like lightweights.” He didn’t get any girls, so he started Cooking to Bang…and it worked pretty well.
A word of warning — this book isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s definitely written for horny guys and the tone isn’t PC at all. (The story of how he Cooked to Bang a right-wing Christian activist really stands out.) If you find Texts from Last Night and Tucker Max funny, then you’ll LOL a lot. If not, you might want to choose a different cookbook.
But given the fact that I’ve been called a female Tucker Max on several occasions, I did find it really funny! But even if the style isn’t for you, I’d definitely recommend it for your little brother’s high school graduation gift or for any of your guy friends. Most guys would love this book. It’s just a seriously entertaining read; the fact that it might get more dudes cooking is just a bonus.
Because, for the record, the cooking lessons are pretty legit! Walker worked in some top restaurants and knows his way around the kitchen. I also really enjoyed the chapter “Culinarylingus” about bringing food into the bedroom. (“Like I said, the best sushi dinner I ever ate was off a girl’s tits,” he writes.) And as you can see on the blog, the recipes sound pretty damn tasty, although I haven’t had a chance to make any yet. Because then I’d just want to make out with myself, like I do every time I produce something foodgasm-worthy. I cannot Cook to Bang until I know I’m Cooking to Bang.
Oh but he has advice for us boomerang kids too! “Bribe your siblings to fuck off; while your folks are sleeping, you are freaking. I have faith that you will spin the situation into a less pathetic hue.”
Thanks, Spencer. I have faith in myself in that area too!