Reading Into It: Cook to Bang

by Rachel on June 9, 2010

Last week, Katie sent me a link to a blog called Cook to Bang.

They had me at “Tater Tilapia Tilabia.”

After creeping around on the blog for a couple days, wondering why on earth I hadn’t thought of this myself, I found…the cookbook! One Amazon Prime order later, Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook’s Guide to Getting Laid was at my doorstep.

I didn’t think the cookbook would be better than the blog, but oh…it is! Before you get into the actual recipes, there’s just a lot of really hilarious chapters on the whole idea of Cook to Bang. The author, Spencer Walker, argues that the world’s greatest pleasures are food and sex, that the only way the human race can continue is through eating and banging (true!), and that cooking is the smartest way to score.

I literally laughed out loud through the entire book. The chapter “Cooking to Bang Through History” was ridiculous (in a good way!) with expressions like “Tut banged every Egyptian he could wrap his papyrus around” and “it must have been easy to abstain when you roll with a sausage party of twelve.” As a hedonistic history nerd, I appreciated the quick overview of humankind’s pursuit of these two great pleasures.

But I didn’t expect it to be part cookbook, part dating book. I thought it was just, “Show up, cook, get ass,” but there’s more to it than that. Cook to Bang is definitely an anti-douche bag movement, a way for the underdog to score. When Walker was a freshman in college, he was a “scrawny hippie with a weed habit that made Cheech and Chong look like lightweights.” He didn’t get any girls, so he started Cooking to Bang…and it worked pretty well.

A word of warning — this book isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s definitely written for horny guys and the tone isn’t PC at all. (The story of how he Cooked to Bang a right-wing Christian activist really stands out.) If you find Texts from Last Night and Tucker Max funny, then you’ll LOL a lot. If not, you might want to choose a different cookbook.

But given the fact that I’ve been called a female Tucker Max on several occasions, I did find it really funny! But even if the style isn’t for you, I’d definitely recommend it for your little brother’s high school graduation gift or for any of your guy friends. Most guys would love this book. It’s just a seriously entertaining read; the fact that it might get more dudes cooking is just a bonus.

Because, for the record, the cooking lessons are pretty legit! Walker worked in some top restaurants and knows his way around the kitchen. I also really enjoyed the chapter “Culinarylingus” about bringing food into the bedroom. (“Like I said, the best sushi dinner I ever ate was off a girl’s tits,” he writes.) And as you can see on the blog, the recipes sound pretty damn tasty, although I haven’t had a chance to make any yet. Because then I’d just want to make out with myself, like I do every time I produce something foodgasm-worthy. I cannot Cook to Bang until I know I’m Cooking to Bang.

Oh but he has advice for us boomerang kids too! “Bribe your siblings to fuck off; while your folks are sleeping, you are freaking. I have faith that you will spin the situation into a less pathetic hue.”

Thanks, Spencer. I have faith in myself in that area too!

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Alex June 9, 2010 at 1:39 pm

Who the fuck called you “a female Tucker Max?”

Don’t get full of yourself. I fail to see any similarities between you two… other than you write.

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2 Rachel June 9, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Alex — Actually my agent and several editors called me that! It’s not so much about following — obviously, Tucker Max is pretty legendary! — as it is about style; you just may not see the connection because you haven’t read my manuscript. That is based on my original blog and my college adventures and is a little different than the content I feature here!

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3 Alex June 9, 2010 at 2:11 pm

Well congratulations for capitalizing on sleeping around in college then.

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4 Dori June 9, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Yeah, Alex, I don’t see any similarities between them either. Since Rachel is actually FUNNY. And intelligent. She can see the an issue and tell you what is wrong with it and then advise you on how to make it better. Not spoiled/over-privileged, that’s a good one, since Rachel works harder than anyone I know and wasn’t handed anything she wanted throughout her life, except maybe the occasional awesome Halloween costume. Then there is the whole not-an-asshole thing, since Rachel is actually a nice person. She’d be willing to help people who didn’t know better, not laugh at them with her friends. More importantly, Rachel’s writing doesn’t emphasize hurting other people, or laugh at other people’s flaws/misfortune of having to have encountered her. Rachel is attractive too, let’s add that one.

The only similarities Rachel and Tucker have is an interest in writing about sex, but Rachel takes that writing to a whole other level with her clever observation, wit, self deprecation and clear desire to share her wisdom with others (a very different thing than bragging, no?) .

So, I agree, Rachel is no female Tucker Max. And if she was, I wouldn’t be friends with her.

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5 Bridget@PavementandPlants June 9, 2010 at 2:08 pm

Im sending this link to all of my engineering male friends. I have a feeling they are his target audience.

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6 Summer June 9, 2010 at 2:30 pm

Alex—congratulations on being a douche. I’m sensing you didn’t sleep anywhere but your own bed in college. Alone.

Or maybe you stayed up reading your Tucker Max book under the covers with a flashlight?

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7 Alex June 9, 2010 at 2:52 pm

I was actually being sincere in my congratulations. If she makes any sort of money/living out of it… then awesome.

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8 j@nycandlove June 9, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Great review of what looks like an equally great book! I’m going to pick up a copy for myself. Does it have a recipe for Fi-laid Mignon?

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9 sarah @ syrupandhoney June 9, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Thanks pointing out how it could be used as a gift for a specific demographic – I would have never thought of that! Definitely keeping this in mind for just such occasion.

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10 Rachel Marlena June 9, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Too funny! I also like the history part though sidenote — when was this written? The cover looks straight out of the early 1990s. Are there very many vegetarian recipes in there?

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11 Nora@LifeLifeEatRight June 9, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Hahaha this book looks great!!! I love stuff like this. I recently read a book entitled I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti. Foodie memoirs are great!

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12 MelissaNibbles June 10, 2010 at 4:24 am

If someone called you the female Tucker Max, I think you should’ve smacked them. That’s an insult and you ARE NOTHING like him and I hope you don’t aspire to be.
This books sounds funny. I might check it out from the library.

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13 Dori June 10, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Melissa, sometimes I can’t believe how alike we are. I AGREE!!!!

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