Owning It: An Awkward Posish

by Rachel on September 3, 2010

[All this talk about owning it led me to start thinking back to the first thing I ever owned and I believe it was this — originally published it to The Spartanette blog as one of my very first posts. I think it really set the tone of what was to come from that blog and let people know that even though I was a 19-year-old girl, I had balls of steel. I thought it would be fun to share it again here — updated a bit. TGIF — enjoy!]

Consult any woman’s magazine or any dude with a pulse on what the best sexual position is and they will all agree: it’s the reverse cowgirl.

It is the Holy Grail of sexual positions.

Cosmo, Glamour, and all their little friends tout it as the Best Thing Ever. In every issue, we’re promised the best sex tips we’ve never heard, but month after month, we are told to simply turn away from him, hop on top, and ride that pony.

Girls like it because they are in control and it’s a good position for getting off. Guys like it because…well, because it’s sex with a girl.

The Reverse Cowgirl makes the world go round.

At the risk of completely betraying my reputation, I must own this.

I can’t master this position.

Everyone makes it sound so easy.

Not so, I say. Not so at all.

I try and I try…and I fall off the bed.

An equestrian, I am not.

I don’t know what my problem is. I don’t know if it’s my lack of rhythm or lower body strength but no amount of dance classes, squats, or, surprisingly, tequila seems to solve the problem.

I’m good at a lot of things but I suck at this position. And you know what? I’ve owned it.

When a guy suggests it, I say, “Well, we can try, but it’s not going to work.”

He doesn’t believe me…and then like two minutes later he most certainly does.

And then once again, I find myself crossing my arms over my naked chest in a huge huff, snapping, “I mean, maybe I could…if I had eyes in the back of my head.”

I used to get so embarrassed about this. I felt like I had a scarlet “RC” on my chest every time I attempted it and failed. I mean, for whatever reason, people think of me as someone with crazy sexual tricks up my sleeve (and my skirt and down my shirt and in my big hair). I’ve never openly declared that I possess some sort of vast repertoire of talents that brings all the boys to the yard. I show up, I take off my clothes, things usually go well (sometimes to the point that I can’t walk the next day), and I write about it from time to time. I worried that every fraternity meeting following one of these mishaps included a group discussion about how I was a fake. I know guys assume that I have threesomes every day before breakfast and think I approach even a casual makeout with the tricks and skillz of a porn star…and I worried they were telling all their friends that I was a total disappointment. 

It’s not like I don’t have any skillz, but it’s not my fault they are more canine than equine.

From what the women’s magazines tell me, I’m the only one who can’t make this happen. I used to be ashamed of my inability to do the RC and I’d try to make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to, um, get back on the horse, but the fact is, I’m clumsy. I lack rhythm. I don’t know where to put my hands. Sorry, baby — maybe if you had reins.

You know, there’s optimism, but there’s also owning it. I’ve accepted my shortcomings, acknowledged that I do other things a hell of a lot better, and started telling guys that this posish won’t work for me, but I’m happy to simply turn around in the saddle and do what will. (And do it well, thankyouverymuch.)

To Cosmo, Glamour, and Every Guy I’ve Ever Hooked Up With: sorry I’m not sorry.

You can lead a girl to this position but I can’t make it work.

{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Crissy September 3, 2010 at 7:56 am

I never comment on your blog, altho it cracks me up on a daily basis, so thank you for that. I am in your boat, and feel as though you wrote down my thoughts exactly! Reverse cow girl is not for me, I can’t own it either… and I am totally ok with that!

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2 Heather September 3, 2010 at 8:10 am

You’re right, I don’t know where to put my hands either. Reins would make the whole event more successful.

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3 C.J. September 3, 2010 at 8:25 am

You just made me spit out me coffee. Awesome.

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4 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 8:51 am

Best compliment EVER! :)

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5 Stephanie @ The Cookie Battle September 3, 2010 at 8:40 am

I also own that this position doesn’t work for me at all. It feels good for a second or two, but then my arms get tired (I have found that putting your arms forward, sort of on his thighs that this gives you a little more balance and leverage) but it’s just eh for me. There are 100 other positions that are better. Honestly I don’t know what all the fuss is about.

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6 Victoria September 3, 2010 at 8:41 am

You are not the only one!!! I also have a lack of rhythm that makes it awkwardly impossible for me to master this position. But thank god for all the other positions in the book because somewhere along the lines we can make it up ;)

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7 Gules September 3, 2010 at 8:45 am

You’ve just confirmed what I’ve been thinking and doing ( lack of doing rather ) for the looooongest time. It doesn’t work, the angles are wrong, there is no where to hold and therefore I deem it to be impossible!
Great post, made me giggle–in a very mature, adult kind of way!

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8 Secondhand Smash September 3, 2010 at 8:52 am

Never cared for that position actually. I can get plenty of pleasure from the position I like without having to do any acrobatics!

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9 Libby September 3, 2010 at 9:01 am

At the risk of giving WAY too much information, I didn’t really enjoy this position until I got something special from the Fun Factory. (Do not google that if you’re at work. That’s seriously the name of the company.) Once I had that, everything made sense, and I didn’t need to worry about where my hands were. Your mileage might vary, though.

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10 Summer September 3, 2010 at 9:04 am

Hahaha LLOLs for Libby!

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11 Elisabeth September 3, 2010 at 9:02 am

I am SOOOOO relating to you on this one. The RC is completely the most awkward position ever. I swore it off years ago for fear that I was going to get seriously injured.

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12 Summer September 3, 2010 at 9:03 am

Agreed on the “where do I put my hands?” thing. Additionally, it’s super awkward to even get into. There’s much squatting, turning and crawling. If the bed is super soft, more awkward city. Then, do you lean forward, pull back…Cosmo always acts like every walks out of the womb knowing how master this thing, and the pictures always show a woman lying completely back. Um, yeah. That sounds like a ER trip waiting to happen.

Favorite: the fact that while this position DOES show up in every Cosmo, I love that they attempt to disguise it with different names: Reverse Cowgirl, Celestial Stargazer, Manhood Mambo…and so on.

Loved this one Rachel—and as always, I love your ability to be so open and out there.

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13 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:19 pm

ahahahaha CELESTIAL STARGAZER

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14 Lisa @ I'm an Okie September 3, 2010 at 10:20 am

Not to be the outcast here, but I personally enjoy this position on a once every couple week basis. Just lean forward a bit and put your hands on this thighs and go to town!

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15 Jenn September 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm

I’m totally with you, I dig it once in a while, too. Sometimes I go lower than the thighs, for leverage…it all depends.

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16 One Healthy Apple September 3, 2010 at 10:30 am

I’m a lurker but basically spitting out my morning water with lemon compelled me to make myself known. You are fabulous. Thank you for being real and for writing such a funny blog.

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17 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:19 pm

I hope you know that getting people to spit food and/or get funny looks for laughing out loud in public is pretty much my #1 goal. I mean that, and making people feel good about themselves and shit. Anyway, I consider this the highest form of compliment.

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18 Lauren Slayton September 3, 2010 at 12:27 pm

As I clicked to comment, I thought- am I the only one laughing out loud? I have to say a lot of things that are touted as the “best” often aren’t. I do feel compelled to master the reverse cowgirl though, now that you’ve put it out there.
Great post.

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19 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Is some sort of blogger RC challenge in order?!

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20 Carla September 3, 2010 at 12:58 pm

LOL The only time this position ever worked for me was in the bathtub – where I had rails to hold on to – otherwise it’s all kinds of ackward!

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21 Jasmine @ Eat Move Write September 3, 2010 at 3:27 pm

You are the coolest person I (don’t actually) know. lol. I hate the RC too.

OMG I’m still laughing.

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22 Eunice September 3, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Damn I haven’t done the RC in years! You’ve inspired me to at least try it again and see if I can get something going. My bf thanks you.

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23 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Eunice — I literally just snorted at “my bf thanks you.”

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24 Lauren September 3, 2010 at 4:31 pm

You’re ridiculous. We’re still friends- but you are.

Megs told me she opened this at work today and immediately DELETED her browsing history….haha….NSFW!

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25 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:39 pm

I don’t pretend to be safe for work or non ridiculous. You know how I do.

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26 Jennifer September 3, 2010 at 4:40 pm

You are hilarious, Rachel! And I do think this is a tricky one to do. However, I agree with Lisa, I actually like this position! But it’s not my favorite. I enjoy seeing the BF’s face too much!!

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27 Tracy September 3, 2010 at 5:00 pm

Oh this is just awesome. Glad to find out I’m not the only one who can’t do the RC. I can’t support myself and worry if I lean forward that I’m gonna snap the poor guy!

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28 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Oh god, I’m still laughing at that image.

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29 Katie @ peacebeme September 3, 2010 at 9:33 pm

This made me laugh. My boyfriend loves this position, but everytime we do it, I don’t even know if it feels nice because all I am doing is worrying about what my butt looks like (yes – I am owning that I prefer certain positions over others because I don’t always feel 100% confidant – real people have insecurities ok? ;) ). It’s nice to read a blog talking about sexuality, as weird as that sounds. I just found your blog today and will be stopping by again!

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30 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:11 pm

I’m glad you appreciate a good discussion on the big S!! Seriously, when I started reading blogs, I was kind of like, “So wait…here are dozens of cute twentysomething girls, none of whom get laid? Hm. That’s weird.”

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31 highonhealthy September 3, 2010 at 9:58 pm

Have to admit.. I find the RC kind of fun exactly because it’s a bit more challenging! When I first did it with my boy toy (not BF but close friend with benefits), I felt a bit clumsy but it was still fun although.. is it me or is that position extra exhausting?! It definitely takes skills but I plan to become a RC master.. maybe.. juts means lots of practice. :P

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32 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:10 pm

All right…I’ll give you that. I appreciate that you approach it as a challenge. I think that’s legit.

I’ll be honest…I find MANY positions exhausting. I don’t think the positions are actually that exhausting though. I think it’s just that I work out a lot so then it’s like doing two-a-days.

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33 Jenn September 3, 2010 at 10:27 pm

Ha, ha! That is a great post! Thanks for sharing it (again)!

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34 Sidney September 3, 2010 at 10:28 pm

Well, I own this: Not only can I NOT do the RC I can’t do the opposite either. There I said, er wrote, it. Out loud. Now all the blog world knows I cant ride a stick pony forward or backwards. Sorry I’m not sorry. :-)

But I do other things well enough that it isn’t an issue. Anymore.

Dam, that felt really good to say!

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35 Rachel September 3, 2010 at 10:29 pm

LITERAL LOL. Way to own it!

But I swear, they should give lessons or something!!

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36 Sidney September 3, 2010 at 10:36 pm

Agreed, but can you imagine the teacher walking by…No No Sidney, wrap your left leg OVER the right….now pretend you are doing the butterfly (remember that dance)…no no no what are you retarded….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yea I am ok with not knowing…..

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37 Pamela September 3, 2010 at 10:41 pm

One of my sexual insecurities has been soothed. Thank you! I used to be able to do this position because our bedroom was the width of a twin-sized be so I could use the walls to sort of give myself a boost, but now that we have a normal sized room…it’s a no-go.

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38 Lesley September 3, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Oh God, I laughed so hard at the falling off the bed part. I haven’t been able to “get” that position either. It doesn’t feel like cowgirl made better; it feels like doggy style gone horribly wrong.

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39 Mel September 4, 2010 at 1:14 am

hahahaha exactly!

I blame Entourage. How can a guy understand the difficulties when Vince is doing it 2x an episode.

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40 Elise September 4, 2010 at 6:27 am

I love this post.

I hate the reverse cowgirl. I can’t aim correctly and get the motion correct and then I get annoyed because I feel like I’m really trying very hard and I’m just looking at someone’s feet. I mean, there’s a penis inside of me which is great, but really – for the amount of effort I’m putting to make it even moderately enjoyable I would at least like to look at someone’s face. If the point of sex is to make me feel disconnected from my sexual friend and give me muscle pains and potential head injuries (I also fall off the bed), then this position is prime.

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41 Sher September 4, 2010 at 8:42 am

I CANNOT master this EVER! Maybe ….just maybe if the guy had a pair of strings around his ass or something to hold on too…or maybe a belt ;) ! Its even harder if one is bootilicious! LOL! I am pretty sure this is going to make it to the top of your ” Top posts”!:D

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42 roo September 6, 2010 at 8:14 pm

Oh dear god I love this. Why? Because I have never been able to master it either. Thank god it isn’t just me!!!! And this? “…but it’s not my fault they are more canine than equine” – best. line. ever. Thanks for the laughs tonight. :)

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43 Connie November 9, 2010 at 1:31 pm

I have found that it depends on the guy actually, not you. For some reason it only works with certain body types and endowments. So don’t sweat it – and it’s not really that great. Totally overrated and a bit embarrassing.

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44 Dawn November 27, 2010 at 5:11 pm

“It’s not like I don’t have any skillz, but it’s not my fault they are more canine than equine.”

LOVE it! Agree completely!
I’ve found there are some positions that work great with some guys and terrible with others. And when sex is good, its with a guy that knows exactly which position will work for both of you. But RC is NEVER one of those positions. lol. I also agree, who wants to see feet? To be honest, most guys are perfectly fine with any position as long as its sex. Just tell them what YOU want, that makes them more excited than any position they can imagine! :0)

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45 Erin December 9, 2010 at 8:16 pm

I love how open you are. It’s refreshing to read about sexuality on blogs. And I will try to stop flooding your old posts with random comments soon!
But this was such a good one. I hate this position. It’s uncomfortable all around, and I like to look at other parts of my man than his feet.

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46 jessi January 28, 2011 at 4:15 pm

i just started reading your blog and i think i love you! i love your no-BS attitude and your bluntness about life! you have just gained another reader, i’m looking forward to the many days of stalking this site :) thanks!

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47 Ann February 18, 2011 at 9:18 pm

I’ve only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, but it absolutely makes my day. You’re so fresh and open, but also well-written. I’m always showing my boyfriend little quotes from you and while he doesn’t quite get it, some of your posts give him rather naughty ideas. This, on the other hand, doesn’t, because of me. I’m also a total failure at this move, although I blame my short legs. I can’t do the original either. For some reason I tend to move back and forth rather than up and down? And if that’s how it’s supposed to work, I’m still doing SOMETHING wrong.

Anyway, keep up your awesome blog and don’t ever change!

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48 Holley September 14, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Oh, man. I totally agree, on all counts. I spend the entire time:

1. awkwardly clinging to the guys’ shins
2. worrying that he’s looking at my naughty bits
3. mentally rearranging the trinkets and vases on the dresser at the foot of my bed because I am so damn bored.

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49 Kali Ravel October 14, 2011 at 12:17 pm

This post encouraged me to try the reverse cowgirl…and it really worked for me. Really worked.

Trick is, use a bullet vibrator on yourself at the same time.

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