Owning It: The Hurricane

by Rachel on October 5, 2010

I’ve always been pretty clumsy. I’m not the I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up type, (although, believe me, I have, sober, and it’s been bad). I’m more the loud-crash-followed-by-a-louder-“OH FUCK!” type.

I drop things a lot. I drop them like they are hot, even if they are cold.

And I don’t know why, but it’s been happening a lot more than usual lately. It’s been so bad, actually, that Eric has begun referring to me as “Hurricane Rachel.”

Thursday night, there was the incident with the frosting. I had just spent an hour making white chocolate buttercream frosting from scratch and then, somehow, before I knew it, the container was flying across the room, leaving an inappropriate stain on my kitchen floor.

Later that night, Eric found some Reese’s Pieces in my pantry and, after opening the box to have a few, left it on the island. I didn’t even have time to say, “Hm, that’s probably not a good place for that” before the sound of candy skittering across the countertop was cutting through our conversation.

Every time it happens, every time he hears the smash, the crash, or the scream, he just looks at me with exasperation, not saying anything. I give him my best, “Sorry the levees broke” face and hope he’ll come in like the Red Cross to help me clean it up.

The morning after the frosting spill, I made Eric and me smoothies for breakfast and was carrying them up to my bedroom. I honestly don’t know how it happened — I swear, the cup flew out of my hands like it was possessed. Before I could even shout “Goddamnit!” the white wall looked like a crime scene.

[Today’s lesson: magic erasers seriously are magical. And getting chocolate smoothie out of a textured wall is a bitch.]

I’m a spiller too. I wish it were socially acceptable for adults to wear bibs, because I think my excitement for good food combined with my inability to stop talking has led to many stains on nice outfits. Last Monday, I got greasy salad dressing on a sweater I was wearing for the first time, and yesterday morning, I got toothpaste on my shirt as I was brushing my teeth and didn’t have a backup, since I was at Eric’s. I spent the day feeling like Monica Lewinsky.

This is not the sort of behavior one should exhibit when she spends as much time as I do in the kitchen. I’m constantly burning myself as I splash hot bacon fat everywhere and slicing my fingertips as I chop veggies. I swear I’m not depressed or anything — but my marked-up arms tell a different story.

I took it to a new level on Saturday at Hob Lob. Eric and I were standing in front of a display of Halloween items and I saw what I thought was a nice ceramic tiered cupcake stand. It was actually two cake displays stacked on top of each other, but I couldn’t tell, since I was standing three feet below it. I reached up and grasped the bottom cake tier by the base and yanked…and took the top one down with it.

It all happened so fast. There was a flash of black ceramic, a scream, and then a large hairy arm saving me from the shame of “You break it, you bought it.”

I just couldn’t believe there was no crash. I was standing there cowering, bracing for impact, and when I looked up through my arms that I had flung over my face in an effort to protect my teeth, Eric was just staring at me with a look that said, “You are going to pay for my post-traumatic stress counseling.”

We were both out of breath in that way you get with near-death experiences and just stood in the aisle for a few minutes. He needed to calm down. I was just afraid to move another inch, certain I’d take a whole Christmas tree down with one false move.

And you know, I don’t even care that I leave a trail of destruction wherever I go, because, really, I’ve owned that I’m clumsy as shit. What pisses me off is that despite the fact that I don’t drink all day and I do, for the most part, behave like an adult, I’m sending a loud and clear message that I’m a drunken sorostitute who just decided to wander into a craft store at 11 AM and start breaking shit.

And in conclusion, that is my report on why I do not have sex standing up!

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Dori October 5, 2010 at 8:14 am

Your in conclusion made me LLOL. I love you so much.

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2 Angela @ A Healthy Fit October 5, 2010 at 8:18 am

I could have written this post! I spill shit all the time, bump in to things, break things…and fall!

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3 Elina (Healthy and Sane) October 5, 2010 at 8:21 am

Oh man, I’ve had weeks like that. I think you may be tired. That was the case with me at least.
PS – how did you get to that conclusion? ;)

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4 Danielle October 5, 2010 at 8:25 am

Rarely to I actually laugh out loud when reading a blog at school when other people are around, but today I did. Hilarious post. I think I find it so funny not only because it was well written, but because I am also clumsy as shit and can totally relate. I knock into things all the time. I blame it on poor depth perception and physics retaliating for me hating on it in undergrad. Because seriously, the destruction that occurs seems to defy the laws of physics sometimes (like the possessed cup flying out of your hands) and leaves me thinking…how on earth did that happen?

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5 Morgan October 5, 2010 at 8:35 am

Sounds like me.

My ex was so used to hearing a crash accompanied by a scream or curse word that when my mother passed out and flung her wine and spaghetti everywhere (her blood pressure dropped) in the same room where he was watching tv, he didn’t even get up off the couch to check anything, because he thought I just knocked something over. It wasn’t til my stepfather rushed into the room and tried to wake her up that he thought there might be a problem. He told me he gave me 3 screams before he’d ever stop what he was doing to check on me.

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6 Rachel October 5, 2010 at 8:41 am

OMG I literally laughed out loud at that!!

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7 D October 5, 2010 at 8:45 am

Haha I feel you! In the past 3 days I’ve vacuumed up and destroyed a computer charger cable, melted plastic cooking tongs on the electric burner, and smashed a plastic container on the floor that split into a thousand pieces.

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8 Kristen October 5, 2010 at 8:58 am

Oh yes, I am a “spiller” as well. Many a nice outfit has succumbed to the wrath of a few poorly-forked morsels. In fact, it only took me about four minutes to ruin the dress I wore to my rehearsal dinner. Olive oil-soaked bread + chiffon=not awesomeness.

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9 Summer October 5, 2010 at 9:11 am

Girrrrl….I’m so the same! I once accidentally dropped an entire container of blueberries on the floor of an aisle in Publix. I tried to kick them them discreetly out of the way, but those little bastards can really roll! Not to mention, it wasn’t one of those places where the shelves have a little space underneath—they bounced around like a produce pinball machine.

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10 Kaytee October 5, 2010 at 9:20 am

My ex used to call me Hurricane, but for a totally different reason. It had more to do with that Baby Bash song “Cyclone.” (Which, I suppose, is why I totally do have sex standing up…)

But yes, I definitely feel you on the marked-up arms. I have scars from falling out of a tree, a dog bite, a curling iron burn, and falling in a swimming pool. And that is just on the backs of my hands. I couldn’t even tell you where the rest come from. Thank God for boys who are willing to put up with the clumsiness.

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11 Rachel October 5, 2010 at 10:47 pm

HA…you would. That’s all I have to say to this.

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12 Smash October 5, 2010 at 9:31 am

You know, “Hurricane Rachel” has a pretty nice ring to it! :) I’m clumsy too — but in a “fall down in the park trying to run after the soccer ball and hurt my knee multiple times” way. Ouch…

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13 Manon October 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

A) I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s clumsy as hell.

B) Your “conclusion” made me spit iced coffee all over my keyboard. Totally worth it.

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14 Caroline October 5, 2010 at 9:42 am

Rachel your posts are always funny and relateable – but this one especially! My boyfriend is always getting exasperated when I spill or drop something, trip up the stairs, etc. The worst was a few weeks ago, I was comparing two bottles of red wine from my parent’s wine rack and they slipped out of my hands and crashed to the marble floor. Ever tried to get red wine stains out of grout? Not fun.

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15 Rachel October 5, 2010 at 10:47 pm

I’m just glad I’m not alone in the good fight!

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16 Robyn October 5, 2010 at 11:04 am

Did you steal my life??? Seriously. This is totally me. My favorite incident of recent months was when I tried to open a bag of red lentils and in true my-life-is-such-a-sitcom fashion, the bag ripped and red lentils were all over my counter, my floor, in the cabinets, on the carpet in the living room . . . I even found one in my shoe a week later (yeah, I don’t even know where to begin with that one). I have a quarter-sized scar on my knee from a run where I am pretty sure I went parallel to the sidewalk before I actually hit the pavement when I tripped. Not pretty. Random bruises, tripping on everything and my boyfriend likes to time how long it will take me to stain my shirt in restaurants (seriously, he really has started doing this). Awesome.

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17 Retta @ RunRettaRun October 5, 2010 at 11:26 am

I so feel you on this. When I bend over to pick something up that I’ve broken/dropped, my ass will inevitably knock something else over. It’s very Three Stooges. The Lover rolls his eyes and prays our children don’t inherit the clumsy gene.

We live by the magic sponge in our house! It laughs in the face of crayon on the wall!

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18 Kim October 5, 2010 at 11:31 am

I am with you on this one. You also helped explain WHY the clumsy, which I have never been able to figure out. Seriously, I used to do ballet for many years, I should be able to be graceful. However, I have the excitement problem, especially concerning food. And excitement does not equal graceful unfortunately. But I will not be giving up my excitement for food ever…so sometimes clumsy it is. Thanks for the enlightenment.

And my boyfriend is always saying “This is why we can’t own anything nice”. So sad…

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19 Rachel October 5, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Eric says that to me too!!!

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20 Heather October 5, 2010 at 12:02 pm

perfection. THAT is how you end a post.

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21 Beth @ Beth's Journey to Thin October 5, 2010 at 1:14 pm

hahaha I love this post. I easily could have written it – I am SO clumsy.

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22 Kendra October 5, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I should know better than to be ingesting anything when reading something you write. Once again you almost made me choke with that last line. LLOL!

I’m really clumsy too so I was definitely reliving certain experiences while reading this post. I actually got a minor concussion when a lamp fell on my head in a similar circumstance to the cupcake holder incident.

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23 Stina October 5, 2010 at 1:31 pm

I love ready your blog because the majority of the time I finish reading a post and can’t help but think ‘Story of my life.’

Just this morning I burned my finger on the pan while making my omelet and I’m STILL trying to figure out how I did it.

And for the record, standing sex while clumsy is totally doable against a wall with a partner that can support you when you lose your balance and start falling over ;)

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24 Eli October 5, 2010 at 2:09 pm

thanks for making me laugh :)

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25 Stephanie @ The Cookie Battle October 5, 2010 at 2:13 pm

I spill stuff on myself like it’s my job. It’s always tomato sauce when I’m wearing white, or oil that never comes out. A couple of weeks ago I even rubbed my ass against my newly painted wall. I feel your pain girl.

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26 Rachel's Mom October 5, 2010 at 9:09 pm

Most important sentence in this article:
“I was standing there cowering, bracing for impact, and when I looked up through my arms that I had flung over my face in an effort to protect my teeth…. ”

Thank goodness you’ve learned to protect your teeth!

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27 Angie October 5, 2010 at 9:41 pm

This literally could have been me, especially this part :
I’m a spiller too. I wish it were socially acceptable for adults to wear bibs, because I think my excitement for good food combined with my inability to stop talking has led to many stains on nice outfits. Last Monday, I got greasy salad dressing on a sweater I was wearing for the first time, and yesterday morning, I got toothpaste on my shirt as I was brushing my teeth and didn’t have a backup, since I was at Eric’s. I spent the day feeling like Monica Lewinsky.

…I feel like those are my words, except their yours…don’t worry, though, I’ll refrain from the plagarism…I think we have enough blog drams on our hands (cough MC cough) to last us the rest of October and then some.

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28 Rachel October 5, 2010 at 9:49 pm

I literally just laughed out loud in the snarkiest way at that.

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29 Erin December 21, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Oh, I just found this post and it’s so funny. My boyfriend actually calls me “Hurricane Erin,” as well. It’s pretty accurate. This could have all been a story from my life. I also fall down, but not as much as general destruction. My most recent wipe out was in front of hundreds of incoming freshmen and their families moving in. I just tripped on the sidewalk and ended up bleeding everywhere. Fantastic.

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