Lesson #30: How to Find Yourself in a Seriously Awkward Position

by Rachel on October 6, 2010

If you are the type to frequently place orders on Amazon, so frequently, in fact, that they have all your mailing info stored…then I beg you, please, remember to update your preferred mailing address when you place your first order after your cross-country move.

Otherwise, certain books will be sent to your family’s home in Michigan.

You know, the worst part of this was not the fact that, after I was like, “What the hell, two-day shipping?!” and tracked the package, I had to call my mom and casually ask if anything had come in the mail for me and casually tell her five times not to open it, but please just toss it straight in the box with the other things she was sending me.

No, the worst part was that my mother has her hands full as a teacher and, well, a mom, and did not get around to sending the package — which also included the pants I asked her to hem on my birthday in August, that have never been worn and now may be too big and I’m not sure if I’m happy or annoyed — until last week…meaning I have spent the past four weeks thinking, Goddamnit, I know there are like 300 positions just waiting for me to try them and I don’t know what they are!!!! I want my freaking book!!!!

But now that it’s here, the wheels are turning.

Do you think I could go “Julie & Julia” on this book and get it made into my own book/movie?

Or perhaps I should just start working on a sex book of my own, which I shall call What’s Your Favorite Posish? The Clumsy, Often Lazy, but Sometimes Motivated to Put on Heels and Thigh Highs Girl’s Kama Sutra.

(Not reverse cowgirl, not standing up, and nothing in the shower, of course.)

Anyway. That’s my Hump Day Treat.

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Dori October 6, 2010 at 8:01 am

HAHAHAHAHA. Love that that book got sent to your mom — and I love that you even ordered that book in the first place. Really, I just love you.

Similar thing happened to me on RueLaLa. I still had my ex’s address and had a pair of expensive jeans sent there! Ugh…

Reply

2 Stina October 6, 2010 at 8:33 am

I bought that book about a year and a half ago, but my ex was not all about trying new things so I never really got to take advantage. That should be changing soon. :)

Reply

3 Nicole October 6, 2010 at 8:37 am

HAHAHA @ Julia & Julia

Reply

4 Susan Butler October 6, 2010 at 8:42 am

hahaha Can’t be worse than working in the same real estate office as your mum, having her buzz you in another office saying “Help! I’m trying to open some photos on your laptop but can’t figure out how to get to where the office photos are saved”….and walking in to see your mum staring at your laptop….and suddenly realising she’s staring at a bunch of “sexy” thumbnails of you….naked!! My computer opened up at the last directory I’d been in….my personal photo directory. I almost DIED with embarrassment! I laugh so hard when I think about it now (this was only about 6 months ago hahaha). So bad! I feel your pain, Rachel! lol

Reply

5 Rachel October 6, 2010 at 8:49 am

haha OMG my jaw just dropped reading that! hilarious but so painful!!!

Reply

6 Susan Butler October 6, 2010 at 9:02 am

And you know what….I didn’t even say anything!! hahaha I just kinda acted all “yeah whatever” about it and navigated to the correct directory! I didn’t know what else to do. It all happened so quickly that I didn’t have time to think. haha Meanwhile my heart was thumping! Poor mum. You’ve got to love mums though! She didn’t even blink an eye at the photos. Probably because she was just sitting there…staring! lmao Thank God for small thumbnails!

Reply

7 Manon October 6, 2010 at 8:48 am

I ♥ you. That is all.

Reply

8 Nicci October 6, 2010 at 9:05 am

Awww, the perfect Hump Treat too funny. I would die if my Mom opened my mail to find a book like that, luckily she never opened my mail when I lived at home. I did freak out after sending something like that to my boyfriends apt. His roommate at the time liked to open all the mail w/o reading who it’s addressed too…that was embarrassing!

Reply

9 Stephanie @ Single in the City October 6, 2010 at 9:30 am

What a great post! Whether you decide to go through your book a’la Julie & Julia or pen your own, I look forward to you blogging about it! Does that make me a perv? Oh, who cares! LMAO!

Reply

10 Kate N. October 6, 2010 at 9:42 am

Love the Julia and Julie idea! I would read the blog/book AND see the movie, maybe even in the theater! You will want to start taking yoga as well. Some of those positions are impossible without stretchy hamstrings… ( i do know that from experience)

Reply

11 angierunner October 6, 2010 at 10:07 am

haha!

Reply

12 Rachel October 6, 2010 at 10:31 am

What a fun, refreshing post Rachel (as always!) Nice to read something silly. . . and the best part is that you were able to laugh it off. I’m one of the most awkward people on earth and the only way to get by is laughing at yourself and moving on. Great story hahaa Enjoy the book & happy Hump Day!

Reply

13 Diane October 6, 2010 at 10:36 am

I UNDERSTAND YOUR SITUATION.

My BFF Sara had an internship at a publishing house that specialized in LGBT erotica. (So many stories! I am jealous.) She gave me a whole bunch of free gay erotica for Christmas that year, which I promptly took back to my college apartment for display/mocking. (One of the books was called “Frat Sex II.” Come on, it was asking for it.) When packing for my cross-country move this summer, I put my sketchy porn in a box separate from the rest of my books. I thought it was safe there. My mother thought differently. She called me to say she was re-packing all my stuff (which we had already done twice during my brief layover in Michigan) and which books did I want? Since it was clear she was going through ALL of my remaining belongings before they went in the moving van, I had to say, “Mom…if you find a book called ‘Frat Sex II’, I’m sorry.”

SO AWKWARD. SO SO SO AWKWARD.

Reply

14 Retta @ RunRettaRun October 6, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Love all your posts. Guess b/c I love the raunchiness? Is that a word? Our son has found one of The Lover’s Playboys. Awesome!

Reply

15 Smash October 6, 2010 at 2:00 pm

This is amazing and would totally happen to me. :) Enjoy the book! ;)

Reply

16 amanda October 6, 2010 at 2:08 pm

LMAO!!! That is classic right here. I am a huge Amazon shopper and have to be careful of not accidently ordering stuff too. However, it will go to my place and not my mom’s house.

Reply

17 Trinidad Pena October 6, 2010 at 2:11 pm

LOL! Who’d play you in the movie?

Reply

18 Chanelle October 6, 2010 at 3:27 pm

too. freaking. funny. that is all. :)

Reply

19 Bridget@PavementandPlants October 6, 2010 at 3:50 pm

That is my go-to Bachelorette gift. It is awesome and not weirdly detailed. Like I said, I think you should email cosmo and tell them YOU want to write their 77 sex positions in 77 days column.
I rarely get my address wrong but I ALWAYS screw up the zip code. Apparently Michigan’s zipcodes do not work in Austin. Who would have thought?

Reply

20 Amanda (Two Boos Who Eat) October 6, 2010 at 7:34 pm

LOL! So funny that you had it sent to your family’s home. Seriously something I would have done.
I fully endorse the Julie & Julia idea! :)

Reply

21 Rachel's Mom October 6, 2010 at 9:56 pm

Eh…..she was just afraid that if I opened it, I might have kept it.

Reply

22 Angela October 6, 2010 at 10:05 pm

LOL. I love it!! I would totally have my mom open it just to embarrass her.

Reply

23 Jasmine @ Eat Move Write October 6, 2010 at 11:13 pm

Lol. I don’t really like to try new positions. Is that weird? In fact, I remember it used to annoy me that my man always wanted to try different things mid-uh-stroke. :p

My mom would laugh her butt off at that book.

Reply

24 Eli October 7, 2010 at 3:26 am

oh PLEASE do go ‘Julia & Julia’…. ! While it won’t be possible for me to read you any more often than I already do, I promise to read with even more enthusiasm! :)

Reply

25 Brittney October 7, 2010 at 2:19 pm

HILARIOUS! So I take it your mom didn’t open the package and see the book? I would be pretty mortified! hehe!

Reply

26 Libby October 7, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Ha! This reminds me of when my mom was borrowing my older sister’s suitcase and found a vibrator. Awkward!

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: