Lesson #37: How to Make Breakfast When You Want to be Easy Like Sunday Morning

by Rachel on October 16, 2010

Do you like my biscuits?

This morning, I’d like to show you what to make when there is another human being in your bed — a human being you may not want to shove out the door right away.

I know you guys well enough to know that doesn’t happen too often, but hey, it happened to me. It’s like one day you’re telling someone, “Um, yeah…I don’t really…cuddle…” and the next, you’re hoping he will stick around because you like listening to him talk so much, you’ll even be the little spoon while he does it. You’ll want to trick him or her into staying with promises of really delicious food and, trust me, this love shit happens fast, so you’ll want to have a recipe bookmarked just for that purpose.

This is that recipe.

It comes from The Joy of Cooking and it is totally meant to follow the joy of sex.

First, the biscuits!

While your friend is still sleeping, preheat the oven to 450 degrees. And brush your teeth. Then combine 1 and 3/4 cups all purpose flour, 1 tablespoon of baking powder, and 1/2 teaspoon of salt. Cut 5 tablespoons of butter into small chunks and them mix them into the dry ingredients with your hands, until the texture is like that of small peas. Punch a well in your dry ingredients and add 3/4 cup of milk.

(Note: I made this recipe using half-and-half instead of milk plus a tablespoon of sugar to make fluffier biscuits. If you can go that route, I highly recommend it. But if you weren’t expecting to have company and all you have is milk, that’s fine too.)

Stir the dough a few times until it coems away from the sides of the bowl and then turn it out onto a lightly floured surfaced.

Knead it gently and quickly 8 to 10 times to get a nice smooth ball of dough.

Got your rolling pin ready? It’s time to put it into action! Roll your dough so it’s about 1/4 to 1/2 inch thick.

Then use a small biscuit cutter to punch out your biscuits. You should be able to get about 24 little biscuits out of it.

Brush them with a little melted butter and pop them in the oven for just ten minutes!

While they are cooking do not go back in the bedroom. First of all, if you get distracted and overcook your biscuits, you’ll regret it. (My first batch, I followed the directions and cooked them for 12 minutes and they were totally like dog treats.) Second, you don’t have time for round two because you need to get onto the gravy!

You guys know that the morning after, I like a hearty breakfast, and, sorry to the vegetarians out there, but when I have a bangover, I want meat. Like, sausage. Yeah, even if I had it the night before. So this sausage gravy is absolute perfection.

(And there’s hot grease involved, so I do recommend you wear clothes for this one.)

Heat a non-stick pan and add 8 ounces of ground sausage. When it’s browned, remove it using a slotted spoon and put it on a paper towel-lined plate. You want about two tablespoons of drippings in the pan, but my sausage was way too lean for that, so I had to add butter. In either case, you want about two tablespoons of fat in the pan. Once you’re there, add 2 tablespoons of white flour and whisk until it’s smooth. Keep whisking and add 2 cups of milk. Bring it to a simmer and keep on whisking for the next five minutes until it gets thick.

When the gravy is thick, add 1/2 teaspoon of salt, 1 teaspoon of black pepper, and 2 dashes of hot sauce if you’re feeling spicy. (I’m always feeling spicy, but unfortunately, my boyfriend is not a huge fan.) Then fold the sausage back in.

Pour the gravy over your little biscuits and serve it up!

It’s the perfect breakfast for the morning after. It’s satisfying (though you’ve already been satisfied), filling (though you’ve already been filled), and easy (and I think you know a thing or two about easy) — and more important, it’s going to refuel your stores since you (hopefully?!) used up a lot of energy the night before.

After I made this, I was like, This is amazing! This is totally going to be my biscuits and gravy recipe for the rest of my life! Some day, my grandchildren will know this as grandma’s biscuits and gravy!

Then I realized this is a recipe for post-sex biscuits and gravy, so it shall be my biscuits and gravy recipe for the rest of my life…so long as Viagra allows it. And, actually, my grandchildren do not need to know anything about that.