Lesson #44: How to Decide to Move Across the Country for Love

by Rachel on October 21, 2010

This week, I got an e-mail from someone in need of boy advice, and, even though we don’t know each other, she thought I might be the person to ask. Why? Well, this boy happens to be in another state. They have been date-cationing and now she’s thinking about moving and wanted to know how I decided to move to Texas to be with Eric after such a short amount of time.

When I read her e-mail, I realized that I never wrote about how I made that decision. It was a conscious choice — part of owning it is not justifying what you do, and I really didn’t feel the need to explain myself. However, this isn’t the first e-mail I’ve gotten about long-distance love, so I thought I’d give you some questions to ask yourself to see if you’re ready to make the move.

1. Does he want you to move? I mean, I’m assuming so, but I do have to ask because there is being delusional and it’s cute, and then there’s just being fucking delusional. So is the guy all for the move? In my case, Eric was for it. Even when we first started talking, the fact that one of us might need to move came up. (Although I was pretty cautious and justified everything I said with “Don’t read into this.” Like, “So when is your lease up? DON’T READ INTO THAT.”)

2. What is the guy’s story? How old is he? What is he looking for in a relationship? Is he balking at becoming FBO? I knew Eric was looking for a serious relationship. I knew because Leah had told me that before she had even thought of introducing us, and also just through everything he said and did. (Um, like referring to me as his future wife in our first G-chat.) So although he doesn’t like to have wedding convos while football is on, he doesn’t mind having them other times and that definitely made me feel better about it. I don’t think I would have moved if he had been AT ALL “you can move if you want to.”

3. What are you giving up if you move? You need to think about what you’re risking. In my case, I didn’t feel like I was risking that much. Eric made me promise I could afford it before I came (and I could…I’m kinda broke now, but I eat, and I’m not wasting money on flights at least) but other than that, there wasn’t a ton of sacrifice on my part. I wasn’t leaving a job I loved, I wasn’t leaving my friends (most of my friends are scattered about the country). I was giving up Fall, though, which has turned out to be pretty hard. But overall, there wasn’t a good reason NOT to go.

4. What do you expect from the move? A huge part of why I moved was because I didn’t want to be in a long-distance relationship; I wanted to be able to just DATE! It was a “speed up to slow down” sort of thing. People were acting like I was going to move down here and get wifed in a month. Umm, no. I moved down here so I could get to know Eric as he is every day, not how he is when we only see each other once a month. And honestly, it’s a little different. Not bad different, but different. But I thought it was really important to know that sooner rather than later. If every date is a date-cation, you’re not getting the whole picture. On date-cation, you will do things have sex three times in a 6-hour time frame. In a short-distance relationship? Uhh…I’ll let you know if that ever happens again.

5. Can you handle change? This is huge. Can you handle being in a new city and the frustrations that come along with it? Even if you aren’t giving up a lot, are you OK with giving up life as you know it? Eric told me that I wasn’t allowed to resent him if I moved, which I think is perfectly fair. If you’re going to scream, “I moved across the country for you!” every time he makes you sleep on the wet spot, you’re going to be very unhappy. Part of owning it is owning that it’s your decision and the other person didn’t make you move. (But please don’t move across the country for someone who makes you sleep on the wet spot.)

6. What can you do to protect yourself? You need to make sure you have an exit strategy before you go. My exit strategy was getting my own apartment and planning to support myself. It was also being really, really blunt and saying to Eric (kind of kidding, kind of not), “Don’t read into this move.” Really though, a move is not a marriage, and if you have your own place and a good job, I don’t consider you being that tied down. So consider the worst-case scenario before you go, and prepare for it, both emotionally and logistically.

7. Can you own it? You have to be able to own it; if you can’t, your big move won’t be nearly as fun because you’ll be caught up in your friends’ and family’s negative opinions. You have to own it — own that you made the choice, own that it might not work out, and make sure people know that you’re telling them, not asking them. I got a lot more support from my friends (and strangers!) that way. Seriously, whenever people ask me what brought me to Texas, I flat-out say, “A guy.” And you’d be surprised how many people start telling me how they (or their sister, or their best friend) did the same thing. And if they have a problem with it, you can always say, “Well, it’s fine if you don’t support my decision. Anyway, how’s your life as a cynical old hag going?”

8. Would you move for a dream job? Probably. So I think it’s OK to move for a dream guy. I don’t know why people think if we move across the country for our careers, we’re ambitious and fearless, but if we do it for a guy, we’re foolish and young. The risks are about the same, and honestly, I think the potential happiness that comes from love is a lot more worth it. But before you moved for a job, you’d do your research and consider the options; as long as you do that, and think about the things above and the worst-case scenario, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

Honestly, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. The week before I flew down here the first time, when Eric and I were up at 2 AM on video chat and he was calling Southwest to get my flight changed to the next day, I knew I wasn’t going to last long in Michigan.

(He’s cute, and moving here was the right thing to do…but I’m still really excited to go home next weekend. There are leaves falling in some parts of the country!? Don’t tease meeeeeeee!)

{ 66 comments }

1 Carolyn @ lovinlosing October 21, 2010 at 9:06 am

OMG…”every time he makes you sleep on the wet spot” CANNOT stop laughing.
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2 Samantha October 14, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I am about to embark on a move for love from Ohio to California. That’s 2,800 miles! My boyfriend was working overseas, and his job offer out west was not only his ticket home, but a chance for us to finally be together after almost a year. On the verge of major anxiety meltdown, I googled “moving across country with boyfriend” on the odd chance someone out there had some insight–I’m so glad I found you! Your advice is candid, funny,and accurate. I was struggling with the fact that I was moving for a relationship and taking a huge risk. What you said about owning it for yourself really rings true. Thank you so much for your candor and positivity! Your words were a huge help.

3 Dori October 21, 2010 at 9:06 am

Really smart post, good advice. Eric is adorable!

LLOL:

“If you’re going to scream, “I moved across the country for you!” every time he makes you sleep on the wet spot, you’re going to be very unhappy.:
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4 Smash @ Appreciate The Now October 21, 2010 at 9:09 am

Wow, great post. I hope it helps out those who need it. I would’ve moved, also, had I been in that situation. Life is too short to not seek out happiness.

5 Libby October 21, 2010 at 9:11 am

LOVE IT. You know I’ve been there (And, it’s working out! Hooray!), and these are fabulous guidelines. I think for me an important part of being able to move was thinking about the worst-case scenario — in my case, it was that he and I wouldn’t work out, and I’d move somewhere else. Not that bad.

This entry makes me so happy.
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6 Kaley October 21, 2010 at 9:15 am

All good points. In my case, I felt even more vulnerable, as I solicited a year-long job while my boyfriend finishes school in another country (Spain). It was definitely scary, but I know he appreciates it and that such a move has really strengthened our relationship.
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7 angela October 21, 2010 at 9:43 am

I’ve been there, too. Moved from Connecticut to Oklahoma. Got married fairly quickly, had kid pretty quickly, too. We’ve been married 10 years now, and are approaching the kid’s 10th birthday. Great guidelines. So many people are skeptics and assume it’s not going to work out. They don’t realize how much planning goes into a decision like this.

Oh, and I still miss some things from home, too… But after a decade I miss a lot less. More often than not if I go back for a visit, I desperately miss home, which is here now, not there anymore. ;)
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8 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Awww…I hope in a week I miss Texas!

And it’s so true what you said — people don’t realize how much planning goes into a decision like this! It’s not something most people take lightly! Glad to know it worked out for you!!

9 Matt October 21, 2010 at 9:54 am

Aww… :)
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10 angierunner October 21, 2010 at 10:26 am

good advice! you guys make a cute couple! :)

11 genesis October 21, 2010 at 10:31 am

i pulled a felicity. after 3 months of dating i left the warm waters and sandy beaches of hawaii and moved to the frigid cold of the pacific northwest. 5 years later im happier than i could ever be and i truly believe that had I not moved, I would have missed so many opportunities in life to excel and become the person i am today.

12 Laura (from Michigan State) October 21, 2010 at 10:50 am

Hey Rachel-
I read your blog all the time and I have never actually commented but I think I need to on this one because I also “moved for a guy.” Your “speed up to slow down” comment made a lot of sense to me because even though my guy and I had been together for a long time when I moved out to the East coast for him, we were not anywhere near ready to get married as we were still so young and wanted to get our own shit together first. I just didn’t want to put our relationship on hold by going super long distance. So for me moving was a speed up but it was more so we could slowly move forward at our natural pace, which we have. But everyone including my mom and all my friends assumed that me moving meant that an engagement was going to happen ASAP. So much in fact that I starting thinking that something was wrong with our relationship that we didn’t want to get married RIGHT NOW and then I starting putting a ton of pressure on my guy even though it wasn’t really what I wanted. Long story short a big blowout ensued and I eventually realized that I wasn’t owning my original reasons and I was instead letting other people mess with our relationship. Not cool. I still struggle with not resenting him sometimes, especially when I get home sick, but at the end of the day I really try and own this decision I made because I have a great job here that I love, my own place for the first time and cool new East Coast friends. Regardless of what happens with us I am happy. Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one who moved for a guy without expecting an imitate marriage. Sometimes risks are worth the reward and if it doesn’t work out it is not so bad anyway.

13 cyndie October 21, 2010 at 11:24 am

This is so true! I think people to applaud women when they move for their career, but judge them when they move for love. This drives me crazy. I think love is so important. I would move for my guy, but we’ve always lived in the same city ;)
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14 Angie October 21, 2010 at 11:30 am

People will say negative things no matter what you do and people are jealous when you’re immensely happy with your life. Great post/advice and that being said – I’m jealous of your life ;) but I think its fucking awesome!

15 Aj October 21, 2010 at 11:38 am

Major props! I was in a long distance relationship that lasted from about 2 months into the relationship to year 2…and distances that ranged from continents to 8 hours bus rides. And I moved as soon as I graduated college so we could stop being long distance. I LOVE that you moved into your own place. That was the big mistake I made. Obviously this isn’t the reason that relationship didn’t last (and it lasted for a long time – we got married!).

To this day, I have never ever lived on my own (well technically R and I didn’t move in together as soon as we got together, but let’s face it…where I was “living” was on a friend’s couch and, well, we’re lesbians, there’s a stereotype of bringing a U-Haul to the second date for a reason). and I really wish I had. Yes, financially it made no sense, but I really needed it. I really think if you’re going to make a big move, developing your own life in a new city in addition to developing your romantic relationship is a really good idea. I would have been a lot less unhappy for the 6 years I lived in a city that “I moved to FOR YOU.”
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16 Kari October 21, 2010 at 11:48 am

I can totally identify with this! Last year at this time, I moved from Montana out to the East Coast to be with my boyfriend. I considered things from every angle, faced negative comments and skepticism from family and friends, and then owned it by moving out here cuz I knew it was best for ME. After 6 months of living separately, we moved in together, and yes, while short-distance dating IS different than date-cations, it leads to a whole new level of togetherness and intimacy. Sometimes the biggest risks lead to the greatest rewards. I’m glad to see that your relationship is going so well and that you’re happy in your new home!
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17 Bridget@PavementandPlants October 21, 2010 at 12:06 pm

“I moved for you” reminds me of when Charlotte screams “I gave up Christ for you!” in SATC.

18 Devon October 21, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Oh honey..

I feel ya.

It wasn’t across the country, but it was definitely across the state (5 hrs). With a guy I met like a month or so before. Yeah. Not kidding.

And you know what? We’re happily married now :)
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19 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

See?! I just keep hearing more and more stories like this…

20 Jasmine @ Eat Move Write October 21, 2010 at 12:48 pm

My hubby moved across the country for me and we’re happily married now! :) Love is really the best reason to move. Great tips, girly.
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21 Amber October 21, 2010 at 1:21 pm

I love this post! I too, moved for a guy (not across country but across a state, which may as well have been another planet as far as I am concerned), and this: ” I don’t know why people think if we move across the country for our careers, we’re ambitious and fearless, but if we do it for a guy, we’re foolish and young” is what I wish I would have been able to come back with every time I got a negative response for doing so.

Of course, that relationship didn’t work out and I ended up moving across the country to get away from him, so c’est la vie. But it really was a poorly thought out decision – if only you had written this ten years ago!

22 marie October 21, 2010 at 1:51 pm

great post. I didn’t move to London FOR my fiance, but I knew he wanted this as part of his life and I chose it to be part of mine as a result.

p.s. “sleeping on the wet spot” was so funny I read it out loud to him and he goes “ohhh this girl, she’s good. She knows her stuff alright” hahaha
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23 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 3:30 pm

HA! WIN!! Thanks lady. :)

24 Eli October 21, 2010 at 1:53 pm

… just when I thought I could ween myself off your blog for a while (so that I could be more productive!!!) and read it only every other day! you go and write that… and i fall in love with you all over again, damn it. i love what you wrote… ya know, it doesn’t just apply to boys. I moved for a grad program that is looking more and more close to impossible to achieve, but luckily i considered that worst-case scenario before I left and it won’t change a thing about how happy I am to be here.
of course, i’ll do my best and leave it at that. Whatever the outcome, will just determine the next step. The wonderful part of which is…there is a next step. I’m still not stuck and life is still in motion, which feels good and there is no reason to worry about where it’s taking me. I guess I’m young enough that that’s still the case – as someone said to me today – the world is my oyster. and you know what, i really feel like it is. So whatever happens, happens. And in the meantime, there are leaves falling everywhere! :)
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25 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 3:29 pm

I’m sorry I’m cutting into your productivity BUT…I love your comment!! It doesn’t just apply to boys, it applies to any big decision. I completely agree that taking a chance is worth it and that whatever happens, happens.

26 Robyn October 21, 2010 at 2:22 pm

You guys are disgustingly cute. And you’ll make very pretty babies someday. :)
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27 Retta @ RunRettaRun October 21, 2010 at 2:27 pm

Love this list. You guys are so adorable. :)

28 Kailey (SnackFace) October 21, 2010 at 3:22 pm

THANK YOU. Number Eight really struck a nerve with me. I have NOT moved to a city to accept a sh!tty paying job (yet in the city I always thought I’d end up in) for love. That is so, so worth it to me. I’m straight chillin in Ohio, searching for a job, but surrounded by the people I love the most. It is nowhere near the plan I had for myself prior to meeting my dime piece and also recognizing some realities to some old dreams (ayo cost of living!). But I’m making the most of where I am now.
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29 Sarah October 21, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Good advice but I’m commenting just to tell you what a beautiful photo that is of the two of you!
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30 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 5:22 pm

Thanks! PS — miss your blog!!

31 Sarah October 21, 2010 at 8:37 pm

Oh, I’ve got plans ;)
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32 Allison October 21, 2010 at 4:32 pm

Awesome advice as always, but I’d like to add something…Can you see yourself fitting into the new city? Will you be able to have a life there outside of the guy?

This topic has been on my mind because I’ll be facing it next year, when I move (only across the state) to be with my boyfriend. We’ve done long distance and…regular dating (what would you call that?) before; after graduating, jobs temporarily separated us again. It was pretty much a given I’d move away from my hometown as soon as possible, and I’m more than ready for it. But this is the one thing that scares me, because I’m not the most outgoing person and don’t make friends all that easily. The boyfriend’s been there for several months now, making friends and finding a place for himself. And the last thing I want is my my entire social life to revolve around him and his friends. Luckily I do have a couple more months, so I’m doing a little research and trying to make some connections in the new city before I get there.

33 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 5:22 pm

That is a really good one!! It’s definitely something that everyone, and especially less outgoing people/people who rely heavily on their social lives to feel happy, need to take into consideration. I didn’t worry as much since most of my friends are imaginary anyway.

34 G October 21, 2010 at 5:16 pm

This post melted my heart and actually made me tear up. I am so happy you were able to make your relationship work out in such a mature way and I absolutely loved these questions and tips.
PS That picture is gorgeous!!

35 Kristine October 21, 2010 at 5:38 pm

Wow. This post is HUGE thank you so much for it.

I was dating a guy for 7 months long distance. We spent a lot of time together considering the who cross country biz. He told me he wanted to marry me and kept asking me if I would move to Arizona. I considered my options and ended up finding a great fourth year placeement in arizona for school. It will start in May. I signed the agreement and I am going. Only problem is that he BROKE UP with me completely unexpectedly last week. I am not sure if the thought of me moving there for him freaked him out or what, but regardless I am still going, and I am going FOR ME, and that is kind of exciting. Hopefully I don’t regret that decision! :)
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36 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 8:43 pm

Rachel, this is adorable! I can’t wait to find my “Eric.” You put everything perfectly, especially the part about the job. I think that taking a risk and following your heart is BOLD and brilliant : )
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37 Lorilea October 21, 2010 at 9:12 pm

I envy your gutsiness! Some day I am totally channelling it…. as for right now, I can’t even work up the nerve to email the guy I met at the U of M/MSU game. But I think if I keep following your blog, next time I’ll have the guts not to let opportunities slip through my fingers!

38 Rachel October 21, 2010 at 9:14 pm

E-mail him right now, damnit.

39 Manon October 22, 2010 at 8:49 am

I thought I was moving for a boy, kind of, when I packed up with $500 in my pocket and move from small town Iowa to beautiful Austin, TX…..come to find out it was more of a “you’re in a town with “Manon” written all over it, and I want the FUCK out of Iowa, sure I’ll move” deal. Totally great guy, just not great for me. BUT, I still say living in Austin for 4 yrs right out of college was the best thing I ever did. I still totally got homesick for seasons and ended up moving back to my beloved Midwest (I’m a total midwest girl, sorry….I’m not sorry), but I really learned a lot about myself, became independent, all that schizz which I’m not sure I ever would have done had I stayed close to mom and dad. AND, I sure as hell wouldn’t love Iowa, especially Des Moines, as much as I do now had I not had that experience.
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40 Bess October 22, 2010 at 10:18 am

So glad you wrote this post!! Literal LOL at: “Well, it’s fine if you don’t support my decision. Anyway, how’s your life as a cynical old hag going?”

Oh and if the partner turns out to be inconsiderate post move, it always helps to have a snappy retort in your repetoire…do you even have to ask what my favorite is?

“I did NOT leave South Central for this!”
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41 AliSue October 22, 2010 at 11:39 pm

I was all ready to move to Hawaii for a guy that I had only know for 5 months and hangout with in person for 8 days. Crazy, I know. In the end (2 weeks before the move) he didn’t get the orders back to Hawaii and got to pick anywhere in the US. He came to me :) He understood that I was still a little scared and instead of totally starting over he would build with me.We have been living together in crazy happy bliss for over two years now. We have an amazing house, two crazy fluffy cats, and a back yard we will never win against If you know in your heart then take the leap of faith, you might be very surprised where you end up.
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42 FoodCents October 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm

Life is about taking risks, some needing to be more calculated than others. We all should do what is best for us & own that this will vary from person-to-person.

Great point in that we live in a society that deems it ok to move for a job, but not so much for love. Sometimes you just have to say “what the hell” and take a risks.

I truly believe we all will regret aspects/choices in life, but I would much rather regret actually doing something than suffering from the “what-if ?” syndrome.

43 AmandaD October 26, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Awww…great advice! I love the photos of you two! We should see more Eric on the blog :)
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44 Rachel October 26, 2010 at 9:26 pm

Awww…I try not to be *that girl* who is always posting pictures of her boyfriend! I’m trying to convince him to be on video camera one of these days…

45 Marianne February 22, 2011 at 4:04 am

Awesome! I so enjoyed reading this!

See, I am seeing my boyfriend for the whole of June (a whole month..can’t wait, as I only saw him last December last…for the whole month too xD) again.
This time he is coming up from his coastal dreamland to visit me. December I flew over to visit him. We almost live on opposite sides of the country.

I know he wants to have a serious “talk” and I know what this entails: future moving plans.

We are serious & committed, and frankly this distance just plain sucks, and we both don’t want to do it for so long.

I know I will want to move away from my home to where he lives. There are a couple of reasons for this. Both professional reasons & personal reasons, if I can put it that way.

But I was wondering what others opinions on this is: and it was great to read yours.

See, I do want to make sure I have a place to rent and a job, as I need to think with my brain.

But being a 21yr old graduate at the end of this year has it’s advantages & disadvantages, so I really hope I find a way out. But I want to move, regardless of what my family & friends say.

If I do not take the risk, how will I ever know?

Thank you for the great article :)

46 Kim September 28, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Thanks so much for posting this. I have been doing cross country LD with my bf for a year (been together yr and half) and we decided I would start looking for jobs there and moving when I secure a job. The job search is frustrating and while I am not 100% attached to where I live, I am happy and established- own my own property, have a good job I like, grew up here, have family and friends here. I started to feel panic and depressed lately because I am worried about moving and didn’t realize it until I read this, that I am starting to resent him already . I realize now that I can’t do that and you are right, I have to own this is my own choice. I also was too concerned what other people thought “shes giving this job and place up for a boy” and it really put it into perspective when you compared moving for a boy vs moving for a dream job. Thanks for writing this, I feel more comforted now. And you and Eric are super cute- glad everything has worked out in Texas!

47 Caitlin November 19, 2011 at 1:07 pm

I am in this situation right now. I currently live in California and my boyfriend is in Chicago. He’s planning on staying and I really want to move up there. I am in love with the city and it is the perfect place for me. I have an Interior Design degree and live in a small town right now and need to move for my career as well. I’m just stuck on when? I want to go now. But its such a giant leap.

48 Nicole January 3, 2012 at 12:11 am

Hi, I just came across this post and it could not be better timing. I have been seeing my boyfriend for 5 months – I live in Colorado and he lives in Chicago. We have had the “talk” so many times about moving and I go back and forth from super excited to absolutely terrified. My entire life is here: family, friends, great job…just not him. I love him but I am not sure if I’m at the “owning it” stage yet because of how much I would have to give up to be with him. If I choose to stay, I run the risk of losing him because long distance is soooo hard, and if I choose to go, I lose the life I’ve made for myself here. Any advice on how to get there?

Thanks for the insight, it’s incredibly reassuring to hear so many success stories and to know that it works in the real world, not just on Felicity :)

49 Jomarie January 8, 2012 at 7:31 pm

Don’t do it! You will end up resenting him. I left Texas for a boyfriend in Puerto Rico. Left everything my life, family, friends, things I loved to do. It’s been 2 yrs we got engaged and are 8 months away from being married and Im unhappy. I miss being me and the things that made me happy. I stopped doing the things that made me happy and lost myself in the process of trying to fit in this new city. Please don’t do it!!!

50 Julia January 5, 2013 at 11:58 am

Hi there -

I know this post was from a year ago, but I am currently going through something very similar as you did. The pair below scares me as my biggest fear is resenting my boyfriend of almost 5 years if I move from New Jersey to Illinois. He is in the military and while I’ve known that moving has been a possibility since the very beginning of our relationship (1 year together, nearly 4 years long distance) it has never been as much on the forefront as it is now. He wants me to move and to give it a real chance, but I’m so disgustingly afraid of it not working out or not being happy. We need the opportunity to “speed up to slow down,” but in order to do that I’d be giving up an apartment I love, a job that was difficult to get, and family I love. I’m wondering how it all worked out for you?

51 Kristi December 21, 2013 at 11:49 am

Hi….I came across your post bc im in a situation like this…im curious did you take the leap…did it workout?
Kristi : )

52 Jennifer March 27, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Maybe you aren’t the best person to give advice on this particular situation that I’m about to address, but you seem like you know what you are talking about to a certain extent so here goes. My best friend has a long distance friendship with a guy and they have talked romantically in the past and still do from time to time. She tells me that she has never had such a strong connection with anyone and she’s afraid she will never find that again…but she has told him that there are a lot of issues that would be present were they to be in a relationship…things like his lack of spirituality, lack of ambition, and the fact that he’s a pot head…she just can’t be with someone like that and he would need to change. She tells him she would be willing to work with him on these issues if he were to move here and they had the freedom to do that, but she’s not willing to commit to the relationship. She says that since he is not living in the same city as her and they are not dating…everything between them is just a fantasy and she does not consider them to be in a real romantic relationship. If he were to move here, she would want it to be just a dating and seeing where it leads kind of thing. No commitment at all. He is madly in love with her and wants to be with her, he believes she is the only woman in this world that is meant for him…but every time he brings up the possibility of moving out here she acts indifferent with comments like “That would be cooooool!” in a fake kind of voice. Then she doesn’t understand why he gets pissed and wont talk to her for a few days. I tried explaining to her that the reaction he wants when he talks about moving is for her to WANT him to move so that they can start a real relationship. The fact that she is so casual about it and is pretty much saying “yeah, go for it if YOU want to” upsets him. I don’t know what advice to give her. He’s not going to move unless he knows she’s committed, but she’s not going to commit to something that she’s not sure can even work. They both don’t want to lose each other…but they cant continue on in this undefined long distance relationship. Any advice?

53 Ashleigh April 3, 2012 at 8:44 pm

I just found your blog, and you’re fantastic! Thank you for #44… before long, I think I am going to have a notepad next to me (hopefully) thoughtfully asking myself all of those questions. Thanks for your wisdom!

54 Valerie May 14, 2012 at 10:11 pm

You know what, I did the same thing. I moved from Maryland to Washington State to be with my boyfriend. BUT I was 27, was at a dead end job, all my friends had moved away and I had talked to my boyfriend for over a year online and even broke up with him since I got scared last minute and didn’t move the first time I was supposed to. He understood when a week later I told him I loved him and it was a real emotional roller-coaster to leave my family and all I knew. Needless to say, 2 months after that I found a job where he lived and packed my car and moved 2,600 miles from where I was born and raised. Do I regret it? NO! My life if I hadn’t done this I think would be filled with “what ifs”. If I hadn’t done it my boyfriend and I wouldn’t be talking marriage and kids in the next 3 years, well we were talking about that before I even moved. The only regret is the job I got didn’t work out after just 1 week there and I couldn’t get unemployment. So, word to the wise, find a decent job, not something on Craigslist before you move. Other than that I was grateful that I had huge savings about $6,000 before I moved because I really needed it.
It’s been a little over a year now from that moment in time. I meet people who do ask me why I moved, and yes most of them say they did the same thing too. Also, this is what I call the “online love migration”, it’s happening more than it ever has, 3 of my siblings found their spouse this way and I think this has become an accepted part of our culture. Would I tell a 19 or 20 year olds to do this? NO! I would say do it only if you really know the guy and your life feels like it’s in a dead end where you are now. My mom always told me if things didn’t work out have a plan B and C. Be smart, make your own decision and plan well, this is defiantly not a spur of the moment thing to do. My heart goes out to all of you trying to make this decision because it’s tough; it’s not all flowers and gold. I’m not any richer or poorer then when I got here, but my life is complete and I have grown up finally 

55 Rachel May 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm

“I’m not any richer or poorer then when I got here, but my life is complete and I have grown up finally”

YES. That’s so lovely and very much sums up my experience.

But PS I love all my Craigslist jobs! :)

56 29 year old man June 6, 2013 at 12:44 am

Hi there!
I am 2 days away from moving from Miami FL to Bellingham WASHINGTON, yup diagonally across the country to be with my girlfriend of 1 year and some history, well now shes my fiancée.
I’m getting cold feet. Here’s why:
She came a month ago for one of our date-cations, we conceived, two weeks ago we found out she’s pregnant. We were so happy, this move could’ve not come at a better time. We were excited about the fact that we were going to have a baby. Then she started freaking out because i still don’t have a job in Washihgton, i DO have some savings and she also has savings in case I don’t find a job ASAP. Oh, he’s another problem. We haven’t lived together before. Also, I wouldn’t be living with her just yet either. The reason I would be in Bellingham is because that is the closest city to the border with Canada. She lives in Canada. I would live right next to the border on the USA side while we wait for my immigration documents to kick in so I can permanently move with her.
So now we have 1) a 2 hour drive to see each other. 2) I don’t have a job lined up 3) we haven’t lived together ever 4) we’re expecting a baby 5) we are both freaking out!

What happened next was that we had many arguments, we had so many disagreements, I totally threw a “I’m moving there for you” and long story short we decided the pregnancy would be too much to handle and we considered abortion. We said we needed time for US. She never felt ready, I said and said again that I DID want the baby, that we would make it work. That 2 hours distance is not as bad as some other couples have it (military etc) that we can get through with this if we work together. She wasn’t willing to give up the Rythm at which she wanted our relationship to go. She wanted us to slow down with my move, not To speed up so fast.

Now, after those 2 weeks that have passed since the pregnancy and abortion decision (she aborts tomorrow), I am getting cold feet. We hasn’t argued like THAT before. She hasn’t turned into such an emotional (hormonal?) wreck before. She never had a positive outlook on the pregnancy except for at the beginning when it was cute and amazing to know we were going to be parents. But now? She’s full of fear, full of reasons why to abort, and then I think… Isn’t it just all fundamentally wrong? I get it that we aren’t ready for a baby, but are we ready to abort because we aren’t ready? Shouldn’t we just get as ready as we can? I say “screw the slow pace at which we wanted things to go, this is our new pace now” but she never found happiness in that.

Now 2 days before I move I am here lying in my bed in my house where I live with my awesome mom, and I go to work at a school where I get PAID to be off during the summer (school nurse), I have a brother that lives by close, beautiful nephew and niece and the possibility of going back to school to finish more nursing classes and have a better title for more pay etc.
Over there I will have a fiancée who is perhaps selfish, even though I understand the fact that we aren’t ready for a baby.

Do I say no? I also don’t want her to go through the abortion alone so I’m gonna be with her for maybe a couple of weeks and see what happens? Should I leave this abortion in the past and focus on my relationship? Or should I cut the crap and deal with the fact that what she is doing is fundamentally wrong from every angle and I ultimately don’t want that for myself? Or am I coming up with all those “excuses” as reasons why not to move?HELP!

57 Gail July 13, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Amazing wisdom from such a lovely young lady! I have gained such wonderful insight reading this post tonight! Although I am making “the move” later in life, it’s still about love. Still worth it in the end and it’s still my DECISION (love your insight on “owning it”!) You are one beautiful, smart lady!!

58 Brit July 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm

I met my boyfriend on my “gap year”. I’m from Los Angeles and I spent 6 months in Rome, then went to visit my Aunt and Uncle in West Yorkshire before headed to a summer in Spain. Surprise surprise, my aunt introduced me to her co worker (now my boyfriend). We date-cationed for 3 months while I was in England. I then left for Spain and was away barely two months before I couldn’t stand it anymore, now here I am back in Leeds for a guy I’ve barely been dating 6 months! I just can’t imagine not living where he is, and the two months of long distance were torture. My friends are scattered across the globe and I didn’t really give up much to be here, and I am happy to “own it”, though I’m not a fan of the weather ;) He’s 25 and I’m 20 and, although we’re young, they say when you know you know! Here’s hoping this move works out for the best! Thank you everyone for your posts, they are really encouraging me that I made the right choice!

59 Errign July 14, 2012 at 4:18 pm

So glad I found this post today – it was exactly what I needed to read, wet spot comment included. :)
Errign´s last post ..Random Ramble.My Profile

60 Sarah July 23, 2012 at 11:58 am

This post really helped me “own” my decision. My boyfriend and I worked together this past year in North Carolina, we are both teachers. We were really great friends all year but ended up finally getting together in May (we both had significant others beforehand). We quickly moved in together. His father suddenly passed away a month ago and he ended up getting a job in Ohio (where he is from). He wasn’t necessarily looking for a job but his sister-in-law had a position open and offered it to him. It was a better move professionally for him. He was very sad to move (from me) and asked me to move with him. I still haven’t found a job yet, and the big move is in 3 weeks! I know that the regret of not following him will weigh more on my heart than the fear of the plunge. I’m going to own it… wish me luck!

61 Cris A. September 22, 2012 at 9:20 pm

I love this post. I recently graduated from law school in MI and moved to NYC. Being away from my boyfriend has been torture (and it’s only been a month!) I’ve been struggling with the decision to follow him down to Atlanta, where he’s from. I’ve thought about it from all sides, and couldn’t be more anxious about the whole situation. Until I read your post.

If I could move to New York for the IDEA of a career, with absolutely no money, no job, no place of my own, then moving to Georgia for the SOLIDITY of love, with a plan, and some savings doesnt sound so crazy anymore.

It’s going to be very difficult to explain to my family and friends that I’m leaving New York for a boy, specially since I just took the bar exam here (and will have to re-take it in GA next year). But Im going to TELL them, not ASK them. It’s my decision. Big risks, big rewards, right?

62 jtsai December 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Thank you for this enlightening post. I just asked my bf to seriously consider moving to Texas with me from Michigan. And he is interested in talking about it. Now I have questions I want to ask him AND MYSELF. Thanks for preparing me for a potentially defining moment in my relationship.

63 Dani B January 19, 2013 at 5:02 am

This is the most helpful anything I’ve read in a very long time. I love your bluntness & honesty. Thank you for helping NE in three process of making a life changing decision.

64 Victoria March 6, 2013 at 3:07 am

I’m contemplating moving to Florida to be with my boyfriend. Google led me to your site and I am so grateful that it did!!! I feel secure in my decision to move but I was seeking another person’s opinion who had gone through a similar situation. I found myself agreeing with every single sentence and knowing that what I am doing is for the right reasons. Thank you so much for you honesty. You didn’t sugarcoat anything. You may never understand how much you have helped me to make such a life changing decision. I now feel a lot more confident in moving for love!

65 Anthony November 3, 2013 at 12:24 am

Hi ladies I’ve searched loads of sites and can’t find any help, I was hoping on some help, my girlfriend and I been in a lDr for just over 4 months both of us didn’t really think sensibly about the long distance and really let our heart’s rule our heads, we made plans to meet and booked a hotel for mealy a week and it’s no Monday it’s like a day to go, so ahh, haven’t had long to think about it and it’s killing me, I’m so confused and don’t have enough time to think about it, and now it’s so difficult to decide what to do, we both care so much for each other and really hope for us to work out but a big dilemma on what to do, what that be an idea not meet and just talk for a lot more and see what happens then? She has been getting so stressed out and it hurts me to see her like this. :-(, thanks for the help in advance :-)

66 Jessika E. November 23, 2013 at 3:36 am

This is awesome. You have inspired me. I met someone very special to me (already) online a few months back and we’re planning on me moving there in about 8 months. I hope this works out, your story definitely helps! Thanks

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