The Serious & Official Rules for Men

by Rachel on November 19, 2010

Even though most of the people reading my blog are female, I know there are quite a few dudes out there. I don’t know why you like to hide out like creepers. Of course, some of you actually are creepers — and seriously, stop — but I know there are plenty of guys reading who don’t drive windowless 15-passenger vans. I mean, perhaps you think you’re the only one, so you don’t want to to call attention to yourself, but hello — I know you have something to say! And for those of you who are reading because I slept with you and/or your friends and you’re worried you’re going to appear here…well, you might as well just own it and leave a comment once in a while.

Anyway, I thought that the menfolk deserved some special attention today. Even though most of my rules, lessons, and stories can and be appreciated by those of any sex, I do tend to write to the ladies — and that’s not right! So today, male friends and conquests, here are some rules just for you.

Rule #17: When crushing, thou shalt be unavailable. I’m not saying you should be a total asshole to get a girl (or guy, as the case often is with the guys who read my blog) to like you…but I am saying you could probably turn the lovin’ down a notch and see major results with your new girl. I wish this weren’t the case. I wish we didn’t have to play games. I wish all women could drop their panties for the nice guys who deserve us. But we can’t. If you don’t believe me, Eric can tell you how one ignored phone call was pretty much the turning point in our courtship. I really liked him when we first started talking, and he really liked me. Too much, I decided, because I’m female, and that is what we do. After a few weeks of blowing him off, I felt bad, and decided to give him a call. He didn’t answer — and he didn’t follow up with me for two days, at which point he texted me. I’d later learn that that night when I called, he saw the call and hit “Ignore.” Best decision he ever made. He was never an asshole to me — he was just a little bit unavailable. I was hooked.

Rule #18: If you don’t want her, thou shalt not be unavailable. Because it’s human nature to want what we can’t have, blowing a girl off when you’re not interested is actually a cruel way to get rid of her. And it’s ineffective! She’s going to refer to Rule #17 and think there’s still hope. So just be direct and honest and tell her you’re not interested. Don’t say it has to do with time, schedules, distance — don’t give her any hope! Find a nice, respectful way to tell her it’s never going to happen (and then be unavailable). She’ll still hate you, but you’re doing everyone a huge favor in the long run.

Rule #19: Thou shalt not act like thou is entitled to a 10 when thou has the diet and fitness habits of a 3. I’m not saying a fat guy can’t have a hot wife. I’m just saying that guys who don’t take care of themselves aren’t allowed to act like they are God’s gift to women. If you want a chick who cares about staying in shape, you should too.

Rule #20: Thou shalt not talk shit about women in front of us. Because I’m “laid-back,” guys often subject me to their locker room talk, in which they rip on gorgeous celebrities and everyday women with equal venom. Whenever I’ve complained, I’m told that they wouldn’t do it in front of me if they actually thought I was fat or unattractive. Um, that’s not the point, dicks! And anyway, I was never able to believe them. I can honestly say that these comments did a number on my self-esteem more than any message I got from other women or from images in the media.

Rule #21: Don’t stick it in Crazy. This is actually Eric’s rule. (Some days he likes to pretend he has a blog and make up rules of his own.) This rule is his version of don’t be ridiculous — the thing it all goes back to. He’s pretty sure 95 percent of the world’s relationship problems could be solved if guys would quit sticking it in Crazy. I tend to agree. Last night we were watching a hilarious episode of “Californication,” and Eric pointed out that Hank was breaking this rule yet again. However, if Hank Moody stopped sticking it in Crazy, I think that show would go off the air.

Rule #22: Watch your pronouns. If I want someone to grab my hand, I’d probably say, “Take my hand!” or maybe, “Here — touch me.” I wouldn’t say, “Take it!” or “Touch it.” When it comes to most body parts, we don’t refer to them as “it,” when giving commands. Now, why does this matter? Well, it matters because when you refer to your penis as “it,” it’s weird. “It’s so hard.” Um, sir, are you having an out-of-body experience? “Put your mouth on it.” NO. USE YOUR WORDS. And while we’re on that topic, please refer to Rule #3 for more explanation of how to use your words — and not “lol” — to express how you feel.

All right, this morning, I’m opening it up to both sexes — any other rules to add to this list for the fellows?

{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

1 crunchy granola gal November 19, 2010 at 9:36 am

this is grrreat. especially rule #19! fabulous early morning read. :)

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2 shelby @ eatdrinkrun November 19, 2010 at 9:42 am

….aaaaand now I have “Put It In Your Mouth” stuck in my head. Happy Friday to me!

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3 LindsayH November 19, 2010 at 9:57 am

These are great. I especially agree with #20. I’ve never understood why guys do this, and I ALWAYS call my guy friends (well, or stop being friends with these types of guys) or – more often, my husband’s friends – out on this behavior. First of all, how do I/we know that you’re not saying the same or similar things about us (or our friends) when we’re not there? Secondly, and are we going to hook our hot single friends up with you if you talk about women this way? No, we are not.

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4 Lauren November 19, 2010 at 9:57 am

Rachel, I have to come out of the woodwork for this one. (The lurker’s woodwork, that is.)
You make me LOL. Every. Time. “Um, sir, are you having an out-of-body experience?” You’re brilliant! That is all.

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5 Matt November 19, 2010 at 10:01 am

I am a dude who reads ;)

I totally agree with these!

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6 Jenn November 19, 2010 at 10:07 am

This post was an actual “lol”! I don’t think I have ever dated a guy who didn’t break rule #22. It never fails to fully creep me out. Also, breaking rule #22 is sometimes accompanied by an extra creepy He-thinks-he-sounds-seductive-but-actually-sounds-like-Snape-from-Harry-Potter voice. ugh.

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7 Manon November 19, 2010 at 10:09 am

OMG…”Don’t stick it in crazy”….I’ve been telling stupid boys this for a looooong time, but apparently if crazy is HOT (which some of their idea of HOT is a girl who looks like Mr Ed and Big Bird did the nasty, so I don’t get that either, maybe blonde=HOT for some.) AND, the blowing off thing…..now, I’ve been guilty of pulling the Houdini myself, but you are soooooo right. It’s so much easier to just say “I’m just not that into you”, or “I didn’t like it when you tried to eat my face off so get lost freak” instead of being annoyed with every email/phone call you’re bombarded with.

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8 Erica November 19, 2010 at 10:48 am

I kinda want to print this out and go to campus for the day and hand it out to dudes. My friend and I were just recently talking about how guys who are out of shape and don’t take care of themselves AT ALL, somehow expect to get these hot babes! What is up with that? Delusional.

To Rule #18, I have to add… if you truly aren’t interested, and are being “unavailable” instead of just growing some balls and letting her know, at least stick to it and be totally and completely unavailable. OR be honest and straight forward about what your intentions are. I used to have a thing with this guy who was in a band and was always on the road. When he came home, he wanted to get together (you know), and then when he was gone, he would answer my texts… SOMETIMES. It drove me absolutely insane. Just enough to keep me hanging on. Total jerk.

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9 Rachel November 19, 2010 at 10:55 am

Yes to your addition. I had a guy do the same thing. Not cool! “Just enough to keep me hanging on.”
Yep.

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10 Ana November 19, 2010 at 11:10 am

Um, thank you for rule # 19. That is my biggest pet peeve when it comes to my guy friends. If you sit at home playing Xbox and eating Doritos all day, every day, you are probably not going to date a model. For some reason it is guys like that who seem to pass the most judgement on women’s bodies. I just don’t get it.

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11 Emma November 19, 2010 at 1:52 pm

See, I’ve always just assumed this was a defense mechanism. Like, they no they can’t get a 10, but they might also be afraid they can’t get a 5-9, so they *say* they hav ridiculously high standards to avoid the possible rejection of the 5s, 6s, 7s, 8s, and 9s. Of course, regardless of the reason, I totes agree they should quit it!

And the shit talking women – 100% agree with that! And that’s a good rule for the guys AND the girls.

Great post :)

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12 Smash @ Appreciate The Now November 19, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Would love to see a full, funny list of Eric’s rules. :) Enjoyed this post, Rach!

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13 shoegal101 November 19, 2010 at 12:30 pm

Love rule #21. Tomorrow is my 30th and you know what?! No more crazy dudes are gettin’ it in ;)

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14 Rachel November 19, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Happy early birthday to you!!

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15 Ellie November 19, 2010 at 12:55 pm

I definitely relate to #17. When my boyfriend and I first were getting together I would literally tell him that I had a harder time getting super interested because I never had time to get anxious or excited or maddeningly intrigued – I was dating around a bit and have a history of falling head over heels for guys who have no time for me (not that I think that’s a positive value in my rational brain, but you know). Affection prevailed regardless and we’re about to move in together but I still am a big proponent of keeping the intrigue alive in the early stages of attraction!

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16 Ally November 19, 2010 at 2:11 pm

I know the reason guys do give girls they don’t like “hope”- it’s so they can sleep w/them but not have to commit. I know is why I do that.

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17 Kendra November 19, 2010 at 4:03 pm

If all men abide by Rule #21 I’ll die a vigrin. I’m just sayin…

I LOVE Rule #22 though. I hate HATE that guys refer to their junk as “it.”

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18 Allison November 19, 2010 at 4:27 pm

In my wildest dreams, Rule #20 would just have a period after “women.” I hung out with a lot of frat guys in college and heard some absolutely terrible things come out of their mouths.

Also, I’d add something to the effect of: “Thou shalt not blow off or ignore your platonic female friends when you’re trying to score.” I’ve been told on more than one occasion “I can’t talk to you now/You kinda need to leave; I’m gaming this chick.” Because if you’re trying to sleep with a girl who can’t handle the sight of you talking to another girl, you’re probably breaking #21. Just saying.

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19 Jess-The Semi Abnormal Gal November 19, 2010 at 6:45 pm

Amen, Allison.

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20 Cyndie November 19, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Ah, I so agree with #17. That’s how I got hooked. He started having “options” (this wasn’t a douchey move, I denied him for a year), and I was like, “when did you get so sexy?”

Also, he seduced me.

So yeah unfortunately, being the nice, attentive, guy doesn’t always pan out. You can be nice, but don’t over-do it.

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21 Jess-The Semi Abnormal Gal November 19, 2010 at 6:48 pm

Ladies, am I the only crazy one who isn’t a fan of rule #17?

If you are into me, I want to know that….please don’t leave me guessing. Now, that doesn’t mean I want you puppy dogging at my feet 24/7….quite the opposite. I want to you have a life, to be busy, to be out with the boys. But I don’t want to be ignored. Just say, “hey, I’m busy….but let’s grab coffee on x day” or something.

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22 Laura November 22, 2010 at 2:27 pm

I second that! I’m dealing with this guy right now, and I don’t know if he is pulling a #17 or just not interested and should be pulling #18. Annoying.

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23 Jasmine @ Eat Move Write November 19, 2010 at 6:54 pm

Rule #19 is my favorite. I come from a town with two stoplights. The guys have pot bellies, skoal rings in their back pockets, guns in the back windows of their trucks, and stickers on their bumpers that say things like “No Fat Chicks Allowed.” I was a “fat chick” when I lived there, but honestly, you couldn’t have paid me to touch their “its” for all the corn and soybeans in Indiana, so I guess it was just as well.

P.S. I’m fairly certain now you have no questions as to why I now live with my black husband in Southern California and not in that jewel of a town. :p

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24 D November 19, 2010 at 9:22 pm

So in regards to rule 19, do you think it’s acceptable for a girl to break up with her long-term boyfriend because he totally stopped taking care of himself? Like, 50+ pounds, no exercise, lying about food…hypothetical of course…:(

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25 Monica November 19, 2010 at 9:40 pm

I totally agree with these rules, and I think it’s funny that you kind of ignored Rule #22 in Rule #21… just sayin’. (;

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26 Christie November 20, 2010 at 12:58 am

Rule #whatever: Thou shall realize when thou has a good woman and be appreciative of her. This one actually goes for both sexes- look, it’s easy to take advantage of someone without meaning to. But every once in a while hearing “I’m so lucky to have you” really is the best confidence booster.

So ladies, dudes, and everyone in between- Wear your heart on your sleeve and let them know how you really feel.

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27 Rachel November 20, 2010 at 10:33 am

AMEN.

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28 FoodCents November 20, 2010 at 4:16 pm

“It” – cracks me up every time, but then I proceed to throw up in my mouth a bit.

I have known guys (yes, Rachel, in the Biblical sense) who had quite the array of names for “it”. I might just judge a guy by what he calls “it” if it isn’t deemed “it “….

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