The Serious & Official Rules for Men

Even though most of the people reading my blog are female, I know there are quite a few dudes out there. I don’t know why you like to hide out like creepers. Of course, some of you actually are creepers — and seriously, stop — but I know there are plenty of guys reading who don’t drive windowless 15-passenger vans. I mean, perhaps you think you’re the only one, so you don’t want to to call attention to yourself, but hello — I know you have something to say! And for those of you who are reading because I slept with you and/or your friends and you’re worried you’re going to appear here…well, you might as well just own it and leave a comment once in a while.

Anyway, I thought that the menfolk deserved some special attention today. Even though most of my rules, lessons, and stories can and be appreciated by those of any sex, I do tend to write to the ladies — and that’s not right! So today, male friends and conquests, here are some rules just for you.

Rule #17: When crushing, thou shalt be unavailable. I’m not saying you should be a total asshole to get a girl (or guy, as the case often is with the guys who read my blog) to like you…but I am saying you could probably turn the lovin’ down a notch and see major results with your new girl. I wish this weren’t the case. I wish we didn’t have to play games. I wish all women could drop their panties for the nice guys who deserve us. But we can’t. If you don’t believe me, Eric can tell you how one ignored phone call was pretty much the turning point in our courtship. I really liked him when we first started talking, and he really liked me. Too much, I decided, because I’m female, and that is what we do. After a few weeks of blowing him off, I felt bad, and decided to give him a call. He didn’t answer — and he didn’t follow up with me for two days, at which point he texted me. I’d later learn that that night when I called, he saw the call and hit “Ignore.” Best decision he ever made. He was never an asshole to me — he was just a little bit unavailable. I was hooked.

Rule #18: If you don’t want her, thou shalt not be unavailable. Because it’s human nature to want what we can’t have, blowing a girl off when you’re not interested is actually a cruel way to get rid of her. And it’s ineffective! She’s going to refer to Rule #17 and think there’s still hope. So just be direct and honest and tell her you’re not interested. Don’t say it has to do with time, schedules, distance — don’t give her any hope! Find a nice, respectful way to tell her it’s never going to happen (and then be unavailable). She’ll still hate you, but you’re doing everyone a huge favor in the long run.

Rule #19: Thou shalt not act like thou is entitled to a 10 when thou has the diet and fitness habits of a 3. I’m not saying a fat guy can’t have a hot wife. I’m just saying that guys who don’t take care of themselves aren’t allowed to act like they are God’s gift to women. If you want a chick who cares about staying in shape, you should too.

Rule #20: Thou shalt not talk shit about women in front of us. Because I’m “laid-back,” guys often subject me to their locker room talk, in which they rip on gorgeous celebrities and everyday women with equal venom. Whenever I’ve complained, I’m told that they wouldn’t do it in front of me if they actually thought I was fat or unattractive. Um, that’s not the point, dicks! And anyway, I was never able to believe them. I can honestly say that these comments did a number on my self-esteem more than any message I got from other women or from images in the media.

Rule #21: Don’t stick it in Crazy. This is actually Eric’s rule. (Some days he likes to pretend he has a blog and make up rules of his own.) This rule is his version of don’t be ridiculous — the thing it all goes back to. He’s pretty sure 95 percent of the world’s relationship problems could be solved if guys would quit sticking it in Crazy. I tend to agree. Last night we were watching a hilarious episode of “Californication,” and Eric pointed out that Hank was breaking this rule yet again. However, if Hank Moody stopped sticking it in Crazy, I think that show would go off the air.

Rule #22: Watch your pronouns. If I want someone to grab my hand, I’d probably say, “Take my hand!” or maybe, “Here — touch me.” I wouldn’t say, “Take it!” or “Touch it.” When it comes to most body parts, we don’t refer to them as “it,” when giving commands. Now, why does this matter? Well, it matters because when you refer to your penis as “it,” it’s weird. “It’s so hard.” Um, sir, are you having an out-of-body experience? “Put your mouth on it.” NO. USE YOUR WORDS. And while we’re on that topic, please refer to Rule #3 for more explanation of how to use your words — and not “lol” — to express how you feel.

All right, this morning, I’m opening it up to both sexes — any other rules to add to this list for the fellows?