Last Friday morning, Eric hit the snooze at 6:45 and we were laying in bed around 6:53 when I suddenly leapt out of bed, flung off my sleep mask, and started running toward the living room with my arms flailing, shouting in the same tone Lloyd Christmas uses when he shouts “We’ve landed on the moon!” in “Dumb and Dumber.”
I had taken about three steps when Eric threw my sleep mask at me and told me to get a life.
If I actually cared enough about the royal wedding to fling myself out of bed like that, I would have known that it was actually happening Friday, April 29, not April 22.
Here’s the thing: I want to be excited for the royal wedding. The fact that I’m not excited makes me question whether or not I still have two X chromosomes. Every young woman seems to be pumped about this. I like the things most young women like. I like London. I love weddings. I think Kate Middleton is gorgeous and William is adorable in that he’s-losing-his-hair-but-he’s-still-cute-cause-he-seems-so-nice sort of way.
So why can’t I get it up?
Every day on “The Today Show” I see more coverage of the pre-wedding events and I want to be excited. I actually feel quite like Jacob in the book version of Water for Elephants when two prostitutes are trying to bang him and he’s too drunk to get it up…he’s trying and they’re trying and then suddenly he just pukes all over them.
Tomorrow night, I’d rather have a perfect Friday night reading wedding blogs, getting teary over the wedding of two complete strangers with a $5,000 budget than flip on the DVR to watch the wedding of the century.
Like…how am I not excited for this?
1. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to be very fun Part of the reason I love wedding blogs is because in every real wedding they feature, the bride, groom, and attendees always look like they are having a ton of crazy fun. Even the traditional weddings have a sense of play and whimsy. While I’m sure Kate and William are a very fun, real couple, I wonder if they will be allowed to have a fun, real wedding. Maybe it’s because Charles and Diana’s wedding is my only point of reference, but that wedding just seemed so sterile to me. Everyone thought it was perfect, but there was no personality. I’m worried this wedding is going to be the same way. Everyone is calling it a modern-day fairy tale…but where is the fun in that? “The Today Show” reported yesterday that the palace is all distressed over the “mirrored balls” at the wedding after-party that the bride’s sister was throwing. Like…we can’t have disco balls? SERIOUSLY??? Talk about a boner killer…jeez.
2. Big weddings stress me out. Unlike many young women, I’m not watching this and thinking “I wish I could have a wedding like that!” Because this sort of wedding? Sends me running for anti-anxiety meds. And even though I won’t be the one on display, the thought of that many people watching an event that is supposed to be intimate and special really bothers me. I wish they could have said, “You know what? We love you, world, but we’re doing this in front of family and close friends. You can watch the highlights via the perfectly edited and scored wedding video later. And all you foreign dignitaries…we’ll see you at the two receptions!” But an abbey packed with 1,900 people, many of whom you’ve never met, is about as intimate as a gang bang.
3. Big weddings + a media circus really stress me out. I don’t know how this will play out on TV, but I can’t get images of Trista and Ryan’s $4 million “Bachelorette” wedding back in 2003 out of my head. Televising that wedding ruined it. And the TV version of Charles and Diana’s wedding wasn’t exactly romantic. I really hope that in the past few years they’ve come up with a better way to broadcast this type of event. Even if they have, they can’t really do anything about the people already camped out in sleeping bags just waiting to get a glimpse of the couple passing by. A high-budget, high-class wedding? Good. People treating it like American Idol auditions? Bad.
3. It’s kind of a joke. I mean, all the ridiculous merchandising surrounding the wedding is turning it into a joke. iPhone skins? Really??? Now, OK, the royal wedding condoms are probably the funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time…but that is a joke. Much like the royal wedding c*ck ring. (Right? It comes with vows. It has to be a joke.) I don’t think some guy woke up and said, “You know what? I’m going to make a profit off of this wedding by selling royal condoms!” But I feel like the iPhone skins people did. And I think Papa John’s probably realized that this was a pretty smart publicity stunt.
A really creepy kind of awesome publicity stunt.
4. I despise speculation. There has been so much news coverage of the wedding, but the thing is…at this point, there is very little to actually cover! I mean, what we know (where, when, how, bridal party, royal wedding history, traditions, security, etc.) was reported pretty quickly. I understand some coverage this week but since we don’t really know anything, we now have to listen to hours of speculation on what might happen. I don’t want some British wedding expert telling me what she thinks Kate will wear. I don’t want three British wedding experts arguing about what she should wear.
And now I think they’ve exhausted speculation too. How else can you explain the following segment on “The Today Show” yesterday? They showed a picture of Kate driving herself to some pre-wedding thang and I thought, “Wow…that’s cool that she actually gets to drive herself!” But then reporter said, “How do people feel about the fact that her hair is in a ponytail in that picture?” And then the British expert said, “Well, Kate has such gorgeous, long cascading locks, so we all wish she’d wear her hair down more and I do think she’ll need to start…” and I was just like, “Wait…what?” I mean, really, Ms. Reporter, as a blogger I was trying to take credit for the death of journalism, but with reports like this on during the hard news hour, you’re kind throwing salt on my game.
I think this is one of those cases where too much information has ruined something. I could have been excited but the more I learn, the less I care. I’ll still record it and I’ll still watch it tomorrow because I’m curious and want to decide for myself and honestly, I really want to be wrong. I’m hoping for a truly modern, fun, take-your-breath-away fabulous wedding…but until then, I’m a skeptic. And I’ve owned it.
Sorry I’m not sorry.
Anyone else feeling this way or are you all just as hot and bothered as the rest of the world?