Before we even committed to bringing home our puppies, Eric and I had to set some ground rules for how we would behave. There’s just something about owning a pet that turns a normal couple into Those People, something we wanted to avoid. Here is how we’ll do things in our place.
Rule #32: Eric and I are pet owners. We are not “Mom” and “Dad” to new “Fur Babies.”
While Eric and I might be a stud and a bitch respectively, we did not defy modern science and sire/welp these puppies, so, therefore, they are not our babies. And “fur babies” is first on my List of Things That Just Don’t Sound Right. We’re owners and maybe even pack leaders, but we’re not parents.
(On that note, yesterday I was on a conference call at work and I told everyone I got new dogs. Our marketing director asked me if these were my first “children” and I replied, “Well…the first with this father.”)
Rule #33: We love our dogs. We do not “heart our toy fox terriers.”
Therefore any merchandise suggesting that we do shall not be permitted.
Rule #34: We make out with each other. Not the dogs.
Because we’ve seen how they clean themselves after they go to the bathroom. With God as my witness, if I ever see one of the pups licking Eric’s mouth, I will react appropriately with shouts of “Homewrecker!” They are our puppies and I won’t have them pulling one on me like the Schwarzenegger’s nanny.
Rule #35: Thou shalt not find it cute when dogs steal food off of people’s plates.
I don’t want to share my food with humans, let alone dogs. So letting them get their tongues all up in my breakfast? Again, we’ve seen how they clean themselves after they go to the bathroom. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big believer that the five-second rule boosts the immune system…but I have standards.
Rule #36: Thou shalt not try to be funny.
We will not be going to “yappy hour,” saying that life is “ruff,” dressing our dogs up as “Bark Simpson” or “Woofdrow Wilson,” or using words like “pawz” or “dawgs.” And we will seriously question patronizing brands or businesses that do. Eric and I are both in agreement that all that punny language is the main reason that kids these days are fucking illiterate.
Rule #37: If a picture of just the dogs becomes either of our Facebook pictures, we will instantly be listed as Single.
If you’re holding the dog in the Facebook picture, fine. If just the dog is the Facebook picture, I assume there’s something wrong with you physically. And neither Eric nor I want to date someone who has something wrong with them physically, so this is grounds for a breakup.
Rule #38: Thou shalt not abuse photo sharing.
I posted some pictures yesterday and I’ll post more to check in as the puppies grow up and change. But using every available social media to post daily pictures is just not necessary. (Nor is it doable with these two, as they are always moving too fast, and in poor lighting, to get a lot of good pictures.) Additionally, just a picture of a dog is not, in most cases, what qualifies as a good blog post. If you don’t hear from me some days, just know that I have nothing to write about and that my silence is the alternative to ten new pictures of Charleston and Indiana. Consider my silence this rule at work and thank me for the favor.
Anything to add to this list?