Like most girls, I figured that once finally stopped acting like a slut and got into a monogamous relationship, I would be free to keep acting like a slut long as I did so monogamously. So what if I’d always be drunk texting the same guy for late night booty? At least the answer would always be yes!
It seems cruel that once you meet someone who has to/wants to indulge your every in-the-mood moment, life becomes the ultimate cockblock. It just gets in the way. It makes you go to work early for meetings and put in tons of overtime. It makes you pay bills and skip the gym and stop eating cereal every night for dinner and come up with a five year plan. And that’s stressful. So stressful, in fact, that it makes a lot of people think less about the good stuff in life. The naked stuff.
“Oh you two were planning on banging?” life says when we ask what the hell happened.
“Yes, that’s why I got into this in the first place,” I say. “Sex with someone I can stand who is also required to please me.”
Life looks at me like Stanley Tucci looks at Anne Hathaway at the beginning of The Devil Wears Prada.
“Not cool!” Eric tells life.
“We don’t even have kids and this shit is happening?” I say.
“Oh you two,” life says. “It happens to the young, the madly in love, the childless. It’s one of those things people never tell you about relationships.”
“I am not going to have this body forever!” I say.
“You know we’re going to fight this!” Eric tells him.
Life doesn’t say anything, just makes a condescending faux sympathetic face before reminding us that one of the puppies left a chunky brown mess on the carpet and the only way to know for sure if it’s barf or shit is to smell it.
Eric and I decide to put life in its place with a great sexperiment: 60 consecutive days of banging. No excuses. Play like a champion.
“Hey baby,” I say. “Maybe we can earn badges like FourSquare or the Boy Scouts for the different challenges we take on during this experiment.”
Eric looks at me like I’m crazy.
“I think it would be fun!” I continue. “Although if you do anything to me that looks like the Boy Scout salute, imma scream.”
Well, this is awkward. Scheduled sex that is. It’s nearly bedtime and suddenly I’m feeling like a teenager who just found out her boyfriend’s parents are out of town for the weekend. OMFG. What should I wear? Tonight is The Night. I decide to take a shower. As I’m drying off, I see that a cockroach the size of my fist was clinging to my shower curtain the entire time I was in there. The Peeping Tom roach waves its tentacles at me slowly, like a live lobster in the tank at a seafood restaurant. I wrap my towel around me and step into the living room to ask Eric to kill it; turns out, he’s in the shower because he just spent too much time cleaning up puppy accidents to come to bed without cleaning himself. I don’t know this, and as I’m looking for him, the pups follow me and then go sprinting into an area of the apartment where they aren’t allowed. I try to catch them and start to lose my towel in the process.
I attempt to hold my towel to my body with my elbow and contain the two wiggling puppies as I stand. Then I dump them into their crate.
Wait, what was I doing again?
Oh, right. Sex.
I go back to our room. Eric murders the cockroach while I look for some Dave Matthews Band to put on.
He comes to bed and in my mind I hear Tobias Funke on “Arrested Development” shouting, “Let the great experiment begin!”
Why did I decide to have two month of unlimited sex the same week I bought an unlimited yoga membership? My shoulders are telling me they can’t support downward facing anything at this point. Oh well…between my two new hobbies, my back is going to look amazing when all is said and done.
And aside from the shoulders, everything else feels pretty great. Good sex is a painkiller after all.
When I’m not planning sex or having sex, I’m reading numerous articles that say that while scheduling sex may seem unromantic and unnatural, it’s actually a really good idea. Not only does it build that anticipation the day of, but it also is particularly good for women. One study found that abstaining completely is better than doing it sporadically because “intermittent sex drives hormones wild, sending estrogen to lower lows (and higher highs) than the more moderate lows of celibacy.” Hm. So maybe that’s why I’d have a dry spell when I was single, it didn’t bother me all that much. Another article that extols the virtues of planning sex says, “Having sex at regular intervals regulates estrogen, promoting a woman’s well-being and staving off depression, bone loss and heart disease. Muck that schedule up with sporadic jaunts in the sack, and lady hormones can’t find their regular rhythm, resulting in mood swings and irritability.”
We’ve earned the “I Gave My Word to Stop at Third” badge.
Yes, oral counts! What, do you think we’re like those people who think they can do everything but (or everything butt) sex and still be virgins? No way!
But I am le tired.
So tired, in fact, that I put the sexy bra I’ve decided to wear tonight on inside out. Oh well. Not planning on wearing it long.
I’d like to do things a bit earlier, but that hasn’t happened so far. We do it pretty late every night and my dark circles are worth it. My neighbors might not feel the same way, but oh well. At some point, we really should do this first thing in the morning. That would be the best part of waking up.
Despite the amount of time we’re spending together naked, Eric and I have actually been spending less time together overall — and that’s totally not a bad thing. See, when you aren’t having as much sex, you still crsve that intimacy in other ways, which can lead to one person being a way-too-clingy-biatch without even trying. Honestly, the most efficient way for us to get that intimacy is to have sex. Apparently, once that’s on the agenda, I’m not nearly interested in spending the rest of my evening with him. He goes and hits golf balls, I spend more time writing and going to yoga, we do our own thing for dinner, and it’s not a big deal. We know we’ll see each other later.
We’ll see what happens in the next 53 days!