Lesson #103: How to Confess Your Love to a Friend via E-mail (Without Using the Word “Love” or Saying Any Other Mushy or Romantic Shit)

by Rachel on September 13, 2011

Rule #2 states that when it comes to relationships, knowing is better than not knowing. I am seriously opposed to secret crushes. I believe that feelings are not meant to be hidden away and that once you hear “no,” you can move on with your life and find someone who will say “yes”…but as long as you avoid the facts and keep telling yourself it could be yes, you’ll be miserable.

If you, like me, are not a fan of emoting to other people because you feel your emotions so strongly that you think they must know (they don’t) and are still claiming it’s awkward and bad timing or some other nonsense…well, today, I’m giving you a starting point. If you’re doing it via e-mail (not ideal, but we’ll get to that later), you probably have no idea what to say. I know I didn’t. I wrote my e-mail from scratch, without any sort of guidelines or idea what to say, except what I could remember from “Dawson’s Creek” Season 1. But you, dear friend, are in luck. I’m going to give you the e-mail I wrote and you may do a nice little cut/paste and add or subtract words where appropriate.

I’m making things really easy for you, like I wish someone had done for me.

But first, some background on how I got to the point of confessing my love via e-mail in the first place!

I did the whole secret crush thing with two different guys in college for and it didn’t work out so well. Then I did it again, in the early part of 2009, when I was living in NYC and was crushing so hard on a good guy friend.

It totally snuck on me and when I realized it, I was not pleased. And why would I be? It’s never pretty when a friend hits crush hits; it’s messy. And it was always particularly messy for me because I handled it so poorly. At this point, I still thought it was appropriate to hide my feelings as much as possible. Why would I ever actually just tell anyone how I felt when I could instead blow him off, pretend I didn’t like him, and not say anything when he talked about other girls? I would just swallow my feelings, make up excuses for why I couldn’t tell him, and then I would periodically lose my shit and get standoffish before eventually getting all Joey Potter bitchy and then giving him the silent treatment for days/weeks/months.

No matter which approach I took, the whole “not saying anything ever” thing never really worked out too well for me leading up to this point. Yet I decided to take that approach once again.

And with this last situation, I let it get really, really bad. There was drama (I have no idea what about at this point) and then there was the silent treatment and, because I was still at a point where living my life like a WB teen drama felt right, I let things get all Season Finale dramatic and just up and moved out of NYC without telling him. (And, of course, he finally broke the silent treatment via the day after I got home to Michigan. I was at once furious, heartbroken, and thrilled when I texted back, “I moved home.”)

Even though I was no longer in NYC, my friend and I continued to text and G-chat a ton over the next few months, and, when I decided to go back to NYC for a visit that fall, I decided, OK. I’m going to do it. I’m going to confess my love for him! In person, like an adult. I had no idea what I would say, but I knew I’d say something. I couldn’t not at this point. My feelings for him were oozing out of my pores every time we talked. I felt like a wreck; I was happy to be home but I missed him and I wasn’t sure I could really move on without knowing if there was something there all along. So, finally, I was ready to deal.

A week before my trip, we were G-chatting and he asked me for some advice. OK, fine. Then he told me he had a thing for his girl friend, he told me, and he wasn’t sure if he should tell her or not because it might ruin the friendship.

And I responded, “Um, seriously?”

Now, I’m sure you’re probably thinking, OMG, it’s you! You’re the crush! That’s so cute! Well, I wasn’t thinking that. Not at all. Because people don’t actually do shit like that in real life. So, I started to get upset.

“Do we really need to talk about this?” I asked. I was desperate to change the subject. I knew I didn’t want to have The Conversation via G-chat but I also knew I couldn’t not say something when I was so mentally prepared to say something. He just kept pushing for my advice on the issue and I felt backed into a corner. So finally, I gave it to him.

“No. I don’t think you should tell her,” I said. Because…I wasn’t going to tell him to go date some other girl. Because…fuck that! I waited six months to tell him how I felt and now he was telling me that he had met someone?! I was not going to give my blessing.

He seemed pretty appalled by my answer. He started to argue with me. (Why did you ask me if you already knew what you wanted to do?! Why did you put me through that?? I thought.) He flat-out said, “Are you really going to let a fear of rejection keep you from getting what you really want? Isn’t it better just to know??”

I don’t remember how the G-chat conversation ended, but I know it ended suddenly. He was all cranky with me for telling him that I didn’t think he should tell his friend about his feelings and I was just…upset. I was pissed that he liked someone else and even more upset that now we were having more drama this close to my trip to NYC.

But once he signed off, and I was left at my computer, thinking about what to do next, I suddenly had my getting it moment. I just thought, Rachel. Just. Stop. Fighting it.

So I didn’t get up until I had written probably the most difficult e-mail I’ve ever had to write and hit “Send.” I don’t often search for words but I had no idea what to say or how to say it. I probably Googled “How to confess your love for your best friend via e-mail without saying ‘love” or any other romantic or mushy stuff” (and likely turned up nothing). All I knew was that I wanted to say this in the most non-committal way possible. It was so hard for me to say it at all.

Old habits die hard.

Eventually, I sent this:

Hey, I’m sorry if I didn’t seem interested in our conversation earlier. It hit a nerve for what I assumed were obvious reasons. I told you I’m not the right person to give advice on a situation like that and that’s true, for several reasons — namely that I DO know what it’s like to have feelings for a friend and that a fear of rejection is pretty much a defining personality trait of mine. Anyway, I have been avoiding having this conversation for months and I really, REALLY would have preferred to say this in person, but I feel like I don’t have a choice at this point. I’m so sorry to effectively ruin a really good friendship, but trying to just be your friend is, for me, completely exhausting. I didn’t expect to feel this way for this long, but the fact is, there hasn’t been a day in the the past year that I didn’t think of you and want you. And I guess you should just know that, because it should explain my refusal to tell you to ask another girl out, but really you should just know because everyone has the right to know when someone thinks they are amazing.

So there you go.

Oh, and you can use this e-mail but it isn’t guaranteed to make the other person say he or she feels the same way. I mean, we know how my story ends, right? I’m not with him. It didn’t work out. When he finally responded, it was with a lot of nice words that didn’t really say anything, so then that pretty much said everything. I was pretty upset for about 36 hours. I didn’t see him on that trip and haven’t seen him ever since — things did get awkward and then ultimately crashed and burned. I lost my friendship and I miss it a lot. It was pretty much everything you worry will happen when you confess your love to your friend.

But you know…it was worth it! I got over my crush and once I did, my love life (and sex life!) got better in about…three weeks.

Three weeks! THREE WEEKS. Three weeks and I was already onto someone new and really cool. Why did I wait so long? HOW MUCH SEX DID I WASTE? Lame. SO LAME.

But hey…lesson learned.

Have you ever confessed your love to someone? (I hope it wasn’t via e-mail, but hey. Wouldn’t judge.) What did you say? How did it go? I’m curious to hear other people’s stories!

{ 98 comments }

1 Sarah September 13, 2011 at 10:58 am

I am dealing with this right now!! It just kind of hit me (and him) in the face this weekend and I am at a loss for what to do. I do know that there is so much at stake and ruining the relationship we currently have is not something I am interested in doing. But I cannot think, eat, or focus on anything at all.
Reading this post could not have come at a better time.

2 Joey September 13, 2011 at 11:01 am

Ahh yes… Definitely did confess my love for one of my closest friends at the time. Hands shaking, told him to meet me because I had some things to talk to him about… I had written notes on what I wanted to say because I was so nervous. When I got there, he basically said the exact things I had written down to say to him. We dated for a few months & it was a DISASTER. Absolutely destroyed our friendship. :( Ya live, ya learn. The next time, I was super reluctant to date my best guy friend, but the dating was just an extension of the friendship we’d built and now we are happily married :)
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3 Jaclyn September 13, 2011 at 11:15 am

Ha, I did this when it was way WAY too late (too late as in we had already stopped speaking because he had started dating a “friend” of mine and I just abruptly stopped speaking to both of them) and I wrote an absurdly long email and he just wrote back “You’re being dramatic.” We haven’t seen or spoken since and it’s been two years. I’m way better off without him, but I hate that it happened the way it did. They’re still together, too, and the narcissist in me thinks it is only to prove that I was wrong and dramatic to say they shouldn’t be together. Oh, life. Good post.

4 Summer September 13, 2011 at 11:25 am

What about…. friends –> friends with benefits –> feelings on both sides are more than friends but before we got involved he was working on getting back together with an ex so now he’s torn between the two of us.

FML.
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5 Jacki September 13, 2011 at 11:26 am

Oh, man. My stomach was just churning reading this because I have so, so been there. I tweeted you about it last night (@jaclynsouza) and said I am now with the guy and we are ridiculous in a good way. But it started out ridiculous in a BAD, bad, horrible way. I can’t post it on my blog in case his son’s mom reads it – drama city – so pardon the long comment.

I met the dude in summer 2003 at a summer job, and quickly developed a huge MacGuyver crush, assuming he’d never be interested in a sheltered Bible college girl like me. We became friends but I never told him I was interested. For the next 3 years we worked summers together and were single at the same time for about a month, during which time, during one conversation, I thought, “Maybe…NO.” I was too scared.

So I got engaged to the guy I’d met at Bible college. I was 20, and had major doubts throughout the engagement, including my last summer working with the dude, which included writing in my emo Bible college girl journal that I wished my fiance was more like the dude, who actually understood and respected me, and who I actually enjoyed talking to.

Ridiculous.

I went through with the wedding, and the dude attended – I saw his truck pull up to the church, and I don’t think I actually said it out loud but I thought, “Fuck.”

Got married. It was a disaster from the get-go.

I went back to work part-time at the store because we needed extra money. Dude was by then the manager and we worked Tues. nights together. I quickly realized I still had feelings for him, and one night he was talking about moving in with his girlfriend and I told him I was really conflicted about my marriage and there was someone I should have said something to before getting married. He didn’t push me to tell him who, and I just couldn’t spit it out.

Later that night I texted him. “You are the person I should have said something to.”

Ridiculous.

Turns out he’d been MacGuyver crushing on me all those years too. But now I was married, and he was getting serious with other girl soooo … thanks, but no.

We didn’t speak for months, but eventually rebuilt somewhat of a friendship. I gave my marriage another year’s worth of honest effort, but ultimately got divorced. He and the other girl broke up repeatedly, eventually she got pregnant and they got married. But last winter they broke up for real, and got divorced.

And despite the ridiculousness of the past, we got to know each other again, and discovered all that secret crushing had been for a reason. We are freakin’ amazing together. He is absolutely the love of my life, and I wouldn’t have been ready for this relationship at any point in the past, so it’s good it happened this way.

But yeah … ridiculous.
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6 Leah September 13, 2011 at 1:25 pm

Jacki, that is a CRAZY story! Just had to comment to say that!
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7 Jacki September 13, 2011 at 2:34 pm

I know, right? Sometimes I think about it and scratch my head, lol.

8 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 2:01 pm

Holy shit, Jacki! I mean, when you said ridiculous, I had no idea what to expect. That is all at once crazy, romantic, and a REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE of why you can’t keep crushes a secret!

And I’m so glad it worked out for you in the long run!

9 Jacki September 13, 2011 at 2:40 pm

Thank you Rachel! I’m glad too ;)

It’s one of those things I still really can’t believe actually happened. And I can’t even blog about it in all its crazy glory! When I very first started reading your blog I read the No Secret Crushes post and just nodded the whole way through. Story of my 20s!
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10 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 2:02 pm

Holy shit, Jacki! I mean, when you said ridiculous, I had no idea what to expect. That is all at once crazy, romantic, and a REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE of why you can’t keep crushes a secret!

And I’m so glad it worked out for you in the long run!

11 Liz @ IHeartVegetables September 13, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Oh my gosh, girl, that’s CRAZY!
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12 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 3:06 pm

Wow Jacki, you gave me shivers! Cheers to following your heart, and waiting for the right time (even though that’s not what you planned) Glad it all worked out, you seem very happy! It’s like a movie.
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13 Jacki September 13, 2011 at 6:38 pm

Thanks Rachel! :) It really did turn out a little cinematic dramatic, I guess, lol. After all that angst I was just so relieved we actually liked each other when it wasn’t forbidden!
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14 Becca September 13, 2011 at 8:38 pm

I was gonna say the same thing. That is one helluva tale!

15 Anon June 13, 2013 at 1:30 pm

Holy crap; crazy story!! I love the last part you said: “He is absolutely the love of my life, and I wouldn’t have been ready for this relationship at any point in the past, so it’s good it happened this way. ” To me, it shows that things may happen the way they do for a reason. It may not be a “picture-perfect” story with the two of you getting it right the first time, but MANY people don’t! And I feel it’s something to think about…you can only do what you can when you’re ready. I’m so glad you ahve found happiness!! :)

16 Alli September 13, 2011 at 11:35 am

Oh maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaann it’s like you’re in my brain sometimes.

I recently found myself on the other side of the situation when a friend I’d known for four years (though we lost touch for a while but reconnected back in January) confessed to feelings for me. It sucks, A: because I have a boyfriend (that he knew about!), B: I used to have the worst crush on him and if this had happened even a year ago things may have turned out differently. As is, I’m not willing to sacrifice the awesomeness that my bf and I have for what COULD be with this guy, and I think that as a result the friendship has been permanently ruined — we haven’t really spoken since July.

17 Dori September 13, 2011 at 11:47 am

Yep… to the guy I was hooking up with on and off for what was three years at that point. You know who. Obviously he didn’t feel the same way. If he did, we wouldn’t have been in that scenario would we? But he actually remained a great friend to me and is still in my life. . . just in a much less “active” role.
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18 Samantha @ Health, Happiness & Skinny Jeans September 13, 2011 at 11:49 am

Love it!! I have written some dramatic emails in my day although most were to exes where either I was trying to navigate a “do we get back together” scenario or else to tell them there would be no getting back together, see ya later and goodbye! I love the well crafted email, whatever its intentionally and maybe because I too have a little Joey Potter-esque yearning for melodrama. Anyway, this story is great and I especially love that the ending isn’t what we might expect but is happy just the same!
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19 Beth September 13, 2011 at 12:22 pm

Story.of.my.life. And I am super glad you posted it, Rachel, because it made me realize that I was being RIDICULOUS. I think I might have even tweeted you last night and said don’t say anything. But then I thought back to my friend who I crushed on for three years in highschool, and even through college. It was painful to see him with other women, and even more painful when he would talk to me about it. But me, being the super great girl FRIEND, would listen and encourage him, and even give him advice. He even talked to me about the time he lost his virginity. Worst.day.ever. I’ve since gotten over the crush, but I wished I would have sucked it up and said something, which would have saved me lots of time (and tubes of mascara).

20 Melanie September 13, 2011 at 12:30 pm

I love your email. I, too, think that it’s awesome and important to tell someone that you think they are amazing.

I also tweeted at you last night – I’ve done this, but in person, and while it didn’t happen right away, it only took a couple of months, and three years later, we’re getting married in 32 days. Best decision ever, even though the beginning was so, so complicated.

21 Katie September 13, 2011 at 12:50 pm

you’re in my brain again… it would be better to know, but sad to lose the awesome friendship we have

22 Christie F September 13, 2011 at 1:03 pm

Ha! I totally thought I could be that girl who made him break up with his current girlfriend and date me. Because I was so obviously the better choice. Never mind the fact they might have been dating each other because they really LIKED each other. And I did, in fact, lose a good guy friend out of the whole mess.

Stupid, stupid.

On another note, by the time I had met Brian, my now-husband, I had matured a little and wasn’t above telling guys what I wanted. Whether it was just sex or a relationship, I refused to let myself become delusional there was more. So, lesson learned. Also the hard way. Double experience points, in my view.
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23 Susie September 13, 2011 at 1:10 pm

I feel like I’ve only sort of been there with this, because I never had really close guy friends that I was into, but I know my default would always be to pine away and never say anything.

However, I can tell you how you really don’t want to spill your guts, from the other side: my coworker and I were close friends and while I knew he sort of had a thing for me, I always tried to make it clear I wasn’t interested. Almost a year into our friendship, and right after I started dating my boyfriend (who I’m still with), my friend and I are hanging out drinking and he starts to tell me how he feels. OK, cool, we can get it in the open and move on. But NO. He proceeds to explain that he’d has some crazy sex dreams about me and that’s why he had avoided me at work lately, adding that it wouldn’t be a good idea to date anyway (regardless of that unavailable/I don’t see you that way thing) because he’d already rocked my world in his dream and he didn’t want reality to ruin it. Oh and mentioned how he knew he could’ve had me when we first met had he made a move. Yeah, that happened. Maybe it was hurt feelings at rejection, but awkward times. He even then put on a movie and turned off all the lights and I immediately was like, uh… I should get going.

Since we worked together, the friendship continued, although distanced, for a while. But it definitely disappeared when we were no longer coworkers. It’s sad because he was such a good friend.
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24 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 1:58 pm

My jaw hit the floor reading this story!

25 Megan @ Runners New Groove September 13, 2011 at 1:18 pm

I’m such a firm believer in confessing your love or telling someone if you have feelings for them.

With my last boyfriend, we were friends for about two years and everything was awesome. I mean, our personalities, likes, dislikes, movies, music..even what we like as far as sex was pretty much the same. The only problem was he was (still is actually) in the Marines. So earlier this year, I told him while we were still friends and he had no idea how I felt, that I would fly across the country for a weekend to see him before he deployed.

That weekend was amazing. We had an awesome time together and got along great! Well, once the weekend was over and after he dropped me off at the airport and I hopped back on my plane to go home, I had to tell him. So I just texted him before my plane took off. I kept it casual and straight to point. Soon after we started dating, but about 4 months into the relationship while he was deployed it got difficult and we ultimately broke up. We don’t talk much now, but I’m sure we will eventually. And if not, then it’s for the best!
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26 MelissaNibbles September 13, 2011 at 1:38 pm

I’ve never had feelings for a male friend like that, but I admire your guts to put it all out there. It’s totally what I would do in that situation. I can’t hold my feelings back. I’d rather know than spend my life wondering “what if”. At least you know and you’re happy with your life :)
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27 andrea @ a cake for a wife. September 13, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Awwww. I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out, but I guess you could say that in the long run, it did. :) I was in a similar situation in university — totally pining over a guy for the ENTIRE year. Finally, about a week or two before we headed home for the summer, and I realized it was now or never, so one day when we were walking back to campus, I basically said, “So, I don’t know if you know this or not, but I like you. You know. Like you. I think you’re amazing.” It was great — super smooth. He literally stopped dead in his tracks and turned to me and said “I don’t think anyone’s ever said that to me before.” and I said, “I don’t think I’ve ever said that to anyone before!” and then he invited me to his room for tea and part of me thought “YES!”. We talked for many hours but it became clear that it was more like “NO!”

But in the end I was really glad I’d done it — I think it comes back to what you said in the last line of your email — that everyone deserves to know when someone thinks they’re amazing. Also: I was totally over him within three weeks, so telling him earlier clearly would have saved me (and my poor friends) many hours/days/months of agonizing.
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28 Stephanie @ LoveLaughterLight September 13, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Yep, been there! I have reconnected with an old boyfriend after a loooooong time via Facebook. He’s still super-sweet and have learned through our conversations that we were broken up via a jealous mutual friend (who proceeded to try to go out with him). We talked about the “what ifs” from all those years ago and it made me start to crush on him. He is married, so my feelings will NOT become known to him and I cannot regret that until the time comes if/when his marital status changes.
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29 D September 13, 2011 at 2:25 pm

I have to disagree here!

I have never confessed my love (or felt that way) towards any male friends, but I have had the reverse happen multiple times, and as the “other” party, I have to say NO!

Unless you are VERY, VERY sure that the other person feels the same way, you have to get on and live your life. This is like telling your boyfriend that you drunkenly kissed a coworker – all you are doing is assuaging your OWN guilt and doing nothing for the other person! You aren’t being a good person, you’re making your life easier.

I think you have to do whatever it takes to find out how he feels without telling him. And if he wants you to know, he will have told his friends, your friends, your sister, etc, or he will have heavily hinted. If they are talking about other people, or whatever, MOVE ON! It might be painful and it might suck, but you just can’t expect other people to have the same emotional responses to things and to be on the same page. If he wants you to know, you’ll know. I see tons of women who have commented are in this position…if you have hinted heavily enough, and he has NOT done anything, you really do NOT need to confess your love! If it’s someone that is an “acquaintance” or you are willing to lose your friend, then that’s cool, but if you value that friendship in a real way, I think it’s a terrible idea. You might make that person very uncomfortable and not only have you lost their friendship, but they have lost YOUR friendship because you have made it too awkward, and here they are without their good friend b/c you could not pick up on subtleties!

Anyway, I totally understand why it’s tempting…but I, personally (knowing how it feels to be ambushed by a friend) would say that it’s not always the best idea!

30 D September 13, 2011 at 2:30 pm

And I have to say, there’s only like, 2 positive stories out of all these comments. That should say something!

31 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm

I think that “NO” might still be a positive outcome!

32 D September 13, 2011 at 2:46 pm

True, because it allows you to at least accept things and move on!

BUT, I just think that any sensible woman (and I get that the secret crush thing makes people crazy and so not sensible) should know how to make her feelings known and then pick up on HIS cues! I get that men want to be chased (we all do, right?) but if guy is into you, and he sees that you are into him…well…he will make the move! I believe that if he doesn’t make the move, he’s not waiting for you to do it, he’s just lame/not into you/whatever.

Seriously, imagine a guy talking to his friends. “Yeah, she’s dropping hints like mad and I’m really into her…I think I’ll wait another 6 months until she has the balls to tell me”

I’m sure I would feel differently if I was in the other situation, but from my perspective, it feels like your friend has just betrayed you a little in hopes that you will fall madly in love, even when you’ve made it clear it aint happening.

33 Phoebe September 15, 2011 at 11:27 am

I don’t know. Having a secret crush can really be kind of awful for the person who has it. There’s no 100% way to predict whether the other person will be into you or not. If everyone is reasonable (and I know this is a big “if”) and reasonably mature, it’s not like it is a big hardship to be told that someone really likes you. Yes, a little awkward, but nothing someone should be really upset by. It’s happened to me and I wasn’t upset or burdened by it. I also think that there’s really no good way to get over a secret crush without telling the other person. Like in Rachel’s example, this really does enable you to move on pretty quickly in a way that “sucking it up and dealing” wouldn’t. The one exception I can think of is if you or/and the other person is in a serious, happy relationship that you have no intention of leaving. Then, confessing a crush really would be inadvisable (in my view) and something you should deal with in other ways.

I also think that you have almost always lost the friendship, but if you feel that strongly, then you’re probably going to be miserable just being friends anyway, so there’ s nothing to lose. I’ve confessed an attraction twice – once to a guy I knew OK, once to a good friend. The first, I never spoke to him again, the second, it was a little awkward for a day or two but we just resumed being friends totally normally. So it really depends.

34 Liz @ IHeartVegetables September 13, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Hahahaha when I was in college I had a HUGE crush on this guy and my friend and I always joked about it but I never ever wanted to say anything to him. Then through a random set of events we actually became friends and dated.

And then I realized he was kind of boring and not at all like I’d made him up to be in my head… and we broke up. haha
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35 Lauren September 13, 2011 at 4:41 pm

Rachel- how could you forget this most important detail. Not only did he reject you, but in an attempt to save face, he called you fun….twice. It’s like…reject me, thanks, i’ll move on. But….don’t call me fun EVER.

36 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 4:51 pm

OMG HOW DID I FORGET THAT?!?! Yes, everyone, not only did he reject me but he also said I was really fun. FUN. I think it took me a little bit longer to let that part go!

37 Mel September 13, 2011 at 5:27 pm

You are so strong Rachel!

While I’ve never really had to deal with something like this before, I did just write a post about the honesty I’ve begun to implement in romantic relationships. I’ve spent a lot of my life just passively going along with whatever the guy wanted instead of speaking out about my intentions and feelings. I think it’s similar to “No Secret Crushes” but more like “No Secret Feelings”. A guy can’t please you if you don’t open up!

The only friendship I’ve ever really pined over was a guy I hooked up with when I was in high school and then continued a long-distance friendship with. I always wondered what it’d be like to be together but he was far and never seemed interested in any sort of commitment. Our friendship though was the sort of flirtatious-I-know-we’ll-hook-up-if-we-see-eachother kinda thing. It only took 3 years of not seeing each other, 2 years of sporadic visits and 2 nights of fighting and sharing feelings to get to where we are now: exclusive. It felt so good to just open up and be real about my feelings — and this time it paid off!
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38 erica September 13, 2011 at 7:59 pm

eh, i guess my story applies:

my boyfriend (of for years) and i broke up last december. after four yers of dating, i never said i love you (not even an i love you too) so eric finally broke up with me for being a robot which is understandable. anyways, i thought i was fine with the break-up/didnt care until one night in march. i woke up around 2/3 am and decided to go for a run because i couldnt sleep (yes, i am weird). five miles later, im sitting on my deck/calling eric/on the verge of throwing up/decided on the way ill feel better is to call eric and confess my love (no, im not drunk).
he answered after 2rings. i completely forget everything i had to say and why i called in the first place. he said “hi” and i said: “i woke up feeling sick and just risked my life running at 3am- just to avoid this phone call. eric, i love you and im so sorry i never appreciated you. im sorry because you deserve better than that. i know i have more to say but my mind is racing and i dont want to vomit on my deck before i go to work.” all he said was thank you and that he had no idea i loved him. i wish he would of said more but he had a girlfriend (aka the “girl i needed to have sex with to forget you” atleast that’s what i call her).

anyways, i don regret that phone because id rather say “oh well” than worry about the “what ifs”

39 erica September 13, 2011 at 8:07 pm

i probably shouldnt comment via my iphone.
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40 Becca September 13, 2011 at 8:47 pm

I’m new around the blog, but this was a great post. I’ve been on both sides of this situation. When I have had the crush, I have never, ever said anything. I’ll work on it. For now, I’m just glad I’ve finally learned that hooking up with said friend is NOT the same as telling him how you feel. Oops.

When on the other side–the thanks but no thanks side–I almost think it is WORSE. I have reacted so badly to this revelation from male friends in the past. I would rather be the one with the crush/getting crushed. At least then you don’t feel like the meanest person in all the world.

41 Ashley @fromashleywithlove.com September 13, 2011 at 9:12 pm

I had a dream that my good guy friend and I were dating when I was a junior in high school, after I had been thinking about telling him my true feelings for a few weeks. I didn’t write it in an e-mail. I wrote it in a note. For some reason, I still had dial up and it was always sucking so I stuck to a romantic note. But we had also had a custom of writing notes anyways with silly pictures, so a note wasn’t unusual. I told him about the dream, my past feelings, and how I would never want this to ruin our friendship. I told him to not read it till he got home, and at that time, neither of us had cell phones, so texting our feelings wasn’t an option..

I signed on AIM the next day hoping he’d let me down easy. He im’ed me asking if we could go to iparty for halloween costumes and I agreed, talking about my holiday ideas, avoiding the subject. I then told him I was about to be on my way, when he said he wanted to talk to me about my note. I asked him what he thought, preparing for the worst. He said that I was beautiful and perfect for him. So we started our high school (but very middle school) relationship. We were so used to being best friends, it took us a month to even kiss! Anyways, fast forward to 4 1/2 years later, where for our whole relationship, I was getting barely anything I needed emotionally, physically, etc. But I made excuses for it the whole time. My whole family and all of my friends hated him because he admittedly thought I was at the same level as his stupid, immature friends. He openly said I was a “consolation prize” because I would stick around no matter what shit went down and he knew he would never lose me. Clearly, the friendship was making me cling on harder. But I seemed stupid enough to put up with this.

Well, after a wild night of cheating on him (not in my character, first time I’ve ever done anything like that) … he decided we needed a break and then I made the choice a few weeks later to end everything and give him hell and not cry once. A month or so later I met a guy at work. I didn’t let us become friends first. Yes, we were friendly. But we weren’t BFFs. We went out for karaoke, had some shots of Patron, and we slept together that night. And I wouldn’t do anything differently if I had the chance. Because from that night on, we didn’t have to talk about what we were or play the awkward “do we like each other” game. If I let us become friends, I would probably make up every excuse in the book not to move on and go into a new relationship after 5 years.

Scott (the guy I met at work) and I have been together for a year and a half, and we’ve been inseparable since the night of Patron-driven karaoke. He’s the opposite of my ex, and he treats me like he doesn’t deserve me, and his grand prize. Moral of my story? Yes, you should marry your best friend. But sometimes it’s better to take the dive before the friendship kills the budding romance…
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42 Marie November 27, 2012 at 10:40 am

I have to disagree with your post, at least in terms of dating someone without having a strong friendship first. This is a personal decision of mine, and I know that it doesn’t work for everyone. I’ve tried dating guys that I was friendly with but not really friends, and it turned out to be disastrous. We had no chemistry at all, and by the end of the date I’d be itching to get out of there! I just think that having a strong friendship first can really help to solidify and strengthen the intimacy of a romantic relationship. You already know what they like, dislike, their quirks, habits and all that…it’s easier for me to move into a romantic relationship with someone that I really enjoy being with and that I’ve taken the time to get to know as a friend.
Just my thoughts…

43 Stephanie September 13, 2011 at 10:21 pm

Hi Rachel,

I’ve never commented on your blog before but I heard about it from one of my good friends who knows you from MSU. I figured this would be a great time to actually comment because it hit pretty close to home–I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot lately and still haven’t gotten to any real answers.

So the boy in question is my very first boyfriend–I was 15? at the time. We dated for 2 months before I ended it for no real reason at all except I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. We stayed friends through high school, seeing each other once a week at orchestra rehearsal (I’m so cool) and talking a LOT on AIM. Here’s the kicker–we still talk a LOT on AIM (except now it’s ichat, or skype). And I’m now 22. We talk about everything going on in our lives and have an eerily similar set of interests–things that just don’t go together at all but we somehow both love. If I was partial to the term “soul mate,” I’d probably use it, even though we’re just friends. Also–I messed up our potential relationship for a second time when I asked him to my senior prom, as a friend, and we had a great time but when he confessed his feelings, again, I still didn’t think he was the guy for me. Of course, as you could probably guess, I do now. Except it’s now been 4 1/2 years since then and he’s moved about 5 hours away and we still do nothing but chat online, constantly. I don’t even know if it’s realistic to have feelings for someone who you never ever see in person!!! But I feel like I have to know. I’ve dated plenty of other guys and enjoyed it, but this is always in the back of my mind, wondering, and I really can’t say anything, especially online. I keep pushing when he’s in town to hang out but it never happens and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s afraid of still having feelings or what, because it really bothers me that we don’t have any personal contact, which makes it hard for me to even figure out my feelings and if they are more than idealizing someone I know mostly through words.

Gah sorry for being so wordy and getting such a personal story from a first time commenter, but it’s strangely relieving to get it out because it’s kind of a hard thing to talk about with friends sometimes, and I really have no idea if I should do anything or just keep things as they are, with me wondering if there’s a chance at anything in the future.

44 Rachel September 13, 2011 at 10:42 pm

Tell him.

TELL HIM!

(And then let us know how it goes!!)

45 Stephanie September 14, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Thanks for the advice–I’m definitely planning to but just trying to figure out how. I just have this gut feeling that it has to be in person–I’ve come super close to drunkenly doing it online several times but I know it’s a bad idea. There’s always that huge fear of losing someone you really care about as a friend but I guess in this case it’s probably worth the risk (and frankly, we’ve already done this telling about feelings thing twice and got mad but still remained friends, only I’m on the other side this time). When it happens (hopefully soon), I’ll for sure let you know!

46 cindylu September 14, 2011 at 3:55 am

I’ve never done the email thing, but have written a letter and done the coy G-chat flirting/sorta confessing a crush without really saying “I like you.” The former didn’t work out, but it’s okay. The latter is my fiance who moved across the country to be closer to me.

About that letter. I crushed for over a year on a college friend/co-worker. We were very close and often flirty, but never touchy (he was Muslim, I wanted to respect his religion). Shortly before he left to grad school in Boston, we had dinner together. I call it a non-date now as it was simultaneously platonic and romantic — no touching, moonlit walk on the beach, sharing dessert, the smell of fish guts on the pier. It might have been the perfect time to say something, but of course I kept quiet.

A few months later, I visited him at his grad school (which I was applying to). While he was away, we chatted a lot and neither one of shied from being flirty. He’d say things like “I’ll dream of you,” “good night, beautiful,” and “I love you.” Yeah… And I was equally cheesy confessing my undying love and devotion.

By late February, I knew I had to say something or I’d burst. I wrote and re-wrote a letter. Then I hand wrote it on cutesy Pucca paper (I was 23, gimme a break). The meat of the letter: “Simply put, I care about you, a lot. Some people might just all it a crush, but I don’t think the term is appropriate. Crushes are simple, superficial and fizzle out quickly… at least to me. I like you. It’s not something that has just popped up out of the blue. For a while, I acknowledged it, but only as a “mini crush.” That was fitting then because I was attracted to you for the surface stuff – looks, brains, clothes, shoes and wit.” I ended it by saying that I had no expectations from him. My intention with the letter was to simply be honest and maybe bring a smile to his face.

He responded via email a few days later. It was tough to read. He was funny, sweet and a little self deprecating, as usual. He told me that my smile, optimism and humor all made him feel better about his days. However, he could only be my friend — nothing more and nothing less — at that time. Note: he didn’t say whether he liked me too.

I knew sending the letter was risky, but I also had a strong feeling our friendship would be okay. But things were still awkward until I was calling him for grad school advice. By the fall, we were in the same PhD program studying for stats together and smoking hookah late in to the night. We still had those strange moments and I wondered if he ever did have feelings for me. Even people who barely knew him thought there was something going on.

Four years later when I actually was over it, we hooked up. We had years of pent up sexual energy to work through, I guess. That was much, much more awkward. Our friendship hasn’t been the same since, but he’s still in my life.
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47 Di September 14, 2011 at 7:43 am

Oh yeah. Been here. Done that. A few times in the past 5 years. Never ends well, but I do always feel better knowing.

Guy #1) I had just gotten out of a long term relationship. Female friend tried to set me up with her friend. He and I did what I assumed was dating (wrong). We did a LOT of making out. I confessed my feelings after a couple of months. He pulled the “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” card, ultimately still giving me hope. A few months later I had the “no, seriously, what’s going on here?” talk with him and he wasn’t vague about how his intentions: he only wanted to bang. So bang we did. We became very close and considered each other “best” friends. That didn’t turn out badly, really. I had someone to consistently bang while I tried that whole online dating thing (which actually leads to a hilarious story) and he got his balls wet on the regular. We no longer speak, since his girlfriend found out we had a history and therefore hates me SO much she gave him the “me or her” ultimatum.

Guy #2) I drunkenly told a not-super-close friend that we should “cut the bullshit and go on a date some time” since every time we got together we’d start off acting awkward around each other and then end up sitting and talking the whole night once a beer or two had been ingested. Other people had mentioned to me that they’d be really happy if we dated, so I figured why not just make a move? End result? He’s not sure he wants a relationship, so he doesn’t want to lead me on.

Lesson learned for ME? Stop getting crushes on friends. They find the nicest ways to let you down easy, which just kinda makes you feel like a jackass in the end.
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48 Diane September 14, 2011 at 8:54 am

I’ve done this twice.

The first time was way too late, after a ton of drama, and I didn’t even say the right things. It blew up in my face and the dude was NOT nice about it. He’s not the only one who screwed up, though. I need to learn to ask for what I want.

The second time, well, that’s just ridiculous. My female best friend and I both had crushes on our male best friends because they were our exact counterparts. We both confessed our love in the same two-month period. Turns out, both dudes were gay! We still hang out, all four of us, whenever I visit Michigan. It’s less awkward than you’d think.
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49 Rachel September 14, 2011 at 9:58 am

HA…of course! That’s a great story!!

50 Allison September 14, 2011 at 9:09 am

I could not agree more with this post. I was extremely timid in relationships until I met one specific guy back in college. We worked on the magazine together, and as completely cheesy as this sounds, I knew from the minute I saw him that there was something special about him. It wasn’t lust (I’d had that feeling before a knew the sensation ha), it was more of this strange connection where I just felt drawn to him. It’s hard to explain, but even though I’ve dated other guys since Mr. magazine, I haven’t felt it since.

Anyway, I crushed on him through an entire semester and I knew I had to tell him what I felt or else my insides would literally implode over the summer. So a week before classes I gave my shy self about a thousand pep talks, sat down with him and said, ” I’ve never told anyone this before out of the blue, but I can’t hold it in anymore.. I think you’re amazing and I have since the day we met.” He was so sweet about my lame speech and told me he liked me too.

We ended up hanging out the next semester and I felt so incredibly empowered that I actually was the one to make things happen. While things ultimately didn’t work out, I still view this guy as a turning point in my relationships. No more secret crushes! :)

51 phd September 14, 2011 at 3:03 pm

thanks for posting this! I think everyone goes through this at some point and this is exactly the type of advice I’d appreciate in the moment. The whole dating a friend thing always seems to either end in disaster or marriage so I’m hoping they’ll develop some sort of magic 8 ball we can all use to figure out which way things are leaning!

52 Isha September 14, 2011 at 4:57 pm

This speaks to me on a deep level.

No, but really, I’ve been in this situation more times than I’d like, and I usually wait too long, so that when I finally email or call, the answer is no. I’m ok with that, though — while I understand that not everyone is this way, I get pretty held up in that in-between and I simply have to know one way or the other before I can move on.

Case in point: I fell for a guy during the fall of my junior year of college, and by the end of the semester I was crushing so hard that I couldn’t think of anything else and I knew I had to tell him. But classes were over, we’d finished finals, and he was leaving to study abroad so I likely wasn’t going to see him in person for a long time. That, combined with utter fear of the phone, drove me to compose and send an email at 2:30 in the morning. I was completely sober, thank you, and from what I can remember it was pretty short and to-the-point, but that was all I needed. So then I waited. …and waited. And he never responded. About one silent month later, he began updating me on his study abroad travels, and we started talking again! And he never addressed it! And so, of course, I maintained my crush, on and off, for another year. Thank god time and graduation did its job and I finally got over him – we’re friends now – but to this day I wonder if he actually got the email at all.

53 Jennifer September 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm

I confessed once to a good friend and he didn’t feel the same way…I can’t even remember what I said or what he said, but it was definitely awkward! Good thing is, we’re still really good friends and a few years after I confessed my feelings, I found out he’s gay! So, he might not have been into me at all, whether gay or straight, but I feel a little better at least thinking I was rejected simply because I have a V and not a P.
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54 Felicia September 14, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I met a guy when I was 18 years in school and the first time I saw him I remember thinking “wow.” All he had done was introduce himself, tell a little joke, and that was that. I didn’t see him for months until he showed up in one of my classes, lost, asking for direction to some other class. I’m going to use a BAD TWILIGHT reference, but he completely glowed and just looked amazing to me. Fast forward some months and we turned into really great friends. But, I was always scared to tell him how I felt. Months later, I eventually went out with one of his friends & fell in love. That relationship didn’t work :/. EVENTUALLY, I did spit out my feelings for the guy, but had created myself an awful love triangle. We were on and off for two years. Now this super amazing guy tells me that we never worked out because he didn’t trust my feelings for him because I went out with the second guy. I WAS SCARED TO TELL HIM MY FEELINGS FROM THE BEGINNING – So don’t ever hide them :( because sometimes it’ll bite you in the butt later.

55 Maggie September 17, 2011 at 11:03 am

Rachel, I’ve been a big fan of yours for about a year now and wanted to bring to light how this post scares me from the other side. I have a huge love/hate relationship with movies like When Harry Met Sally or Made of Honor or 27 Dresses or any romantic comedy that the best friends fall in love – and here’s why. I’m great friends with a lot of guys. Some of my best best friends are guys. And I have ABSOLUTELY no romantic interest in them. Not at all. So whenever I see these movies I get really nervous that one day one of them is going to admit he loves me and I won’t know what to do. I know it’s silly, but that would suck. So while I understand that it is always good to be upfront with people about how you feel about them, it seriously scares the shit out of me!

56 Amy September 22, 2011 at 7:14 pm

Oh, how this fits.

Honesty is the best policy for both people. There is no way you can mind-read someone else and know for sure if they really like you or not without just saying the words. I spent two months trying and you just don’t know. To hold on to a friendship without confessing your feelings just in case something changes is actively dishonest in a way– you are hiding the real nature of the relationship on your side. It’s a boundary issue.

As for me? I studied abroad one summer, and was placed with a host family. Right away I was attracted to one of the boys in the family. We hit it off immediately. He was fabulous and a great friend. I tried to keep it chill and get to know him instead of letting a full blown crush develop, but develop it did. My inability to speak up (and, his own, I later learned) lead to a large, dramatic, romantic, but ultimately extremely unnecessary argument, during which we both alluded to having feelings but never spit out the actual words, each trying to preserve our pride and our friendship. The “innocent” physical contact stopped, and the platonic friendship continued… until a week before I had to leave back to the US and I knew I had to do it. One very smart friend of mine, who dealt with almost the exact same situation, told me “men need time to think. don’t get too bent up on his first answer– be direct, then let him think about it.”

Finally, after much angsting, I worked up the courage, stole him away, and told him very matter-of-factly, that I was interested, that no, I never expected this, and no, it wasn’t a convenient time for me either, but I liked him for a myriad of reasons and I needed to know one way or another whether or not that was reciprocated. And I told him sometimes I thought he liked me, but I could be only seeing what I wanted to see. He could take time to think about it, but I needed to know before I left, and that whatever the answer was, I was going to be okay. It was not okay, however, to not get an honest answer.

So did it have a happy ending? You bet. Did he propose and fall all over me and declare his love? Not exactly. Instead, I was told my feelings were reciprocated, but we were about to be half a world apart with no definite plans for the future for either one of us, and he was scared of ruining our friendship and/or breaking my heart by committing to anything right off the bat. We decided to keep in touch and see where the relationship developed, and spent the next week in a very happy state together before my departure. But, that first night, though my honesty was awkward for him, I was thanked for being so upfront, and also so “strong” about it. Being honest AND able to handle honesty in return made it easier for him to be direct, and for us to have a mutually beneficial interaction about the issue.

That honesty also saved both of us a lot of future regrets– wondering what would have happened if we had been upfront, or being put in the position of having to have this conversation in a way that was other than face-to-face (your email, however, was fabulous). And a “good” ending is not necessarily a fairy-tale ending– but one that prompts growth, maturity, and helps you get on with the business of living life. Rarely does concealment give you that advantage.

57 Rose October 4, 2011 at 9:14 pm

Omg Rachel I’ve read and re-read this post about twenty times while contemplating whether to tell my crush how I’m crazy about him.

We met a year ago, I was newly single after a traumatic breakup with my cheating ex, and he was dating someone he has been with for three years. There was always some innocent flirting going on but I never mentally went *there* because I knew he had a serious girlfriend and I don’t crush on other people’s boyfriends as a rule.

Then I see him again two weeks ago for the first time and one of the first things he says to me is ‘I’m single!’ Then we have this conversation about how I’m happy being single at the moment because there’s no one to pine/stress over and he keeps dropping hints about how surely with the right person would I be willing to give dating a go again? Of course me being me, I was all ‘No! I like being single! Life is great!’ and all that.

Anyway to cut a long story short we’re super flirty all night and end up making out. And I got the butterflies and went all ‘omg he’s so great!’ in my head. So the next day he goes back home (he lives in another city two hours away) and he texts me but there’s no talk of meeting up in the immediate future. There’s some non committal talk of how we should party together again when he comes back here next time etc but in my DIK head, he should be dramatically driving two hours to come see me and showing up at my doorstep while rain is pouring outside or something.

So anyway it’s all very non committal and it’s driving me crazy. I really wanna be like dude what’s the deal, did you just kiss me because we’re both single or what? If he doesn’t like me that way at all, I really wanna know so that I can stop stressing out about it. But I don’t wanna be that crazy chick that’s all like ‘WHAT does this mean?!?’ on his ass. I wish I had the balls to tell him in a non-crazy that yes I really kinda dig him and want to know if he feels the same way.

58 Erica December 28, 2011 at 4:30 pm

Well, I need some advice. I am in love with one of my best girlfriends. Yes, I am a girl and I do not know how to approach it. Not sure if she would date a woman??? That is the part that makes it so hard. We have been friends for over a year. She kissed me twice and told me she thought of sleeping with me a few months ago. Yet, the other day she said she was not gay, just frisky. Still, she put some mistletoe over her head and stood before me. I just kissed her cheek. What do you guys think? Any conservative, being gay is wrong people, please do not respond.

59 Ann January 31, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I am grieving over whether I should fess up via email to an ex-coworker I have a crush on.
Unfortunate for me, we were never close friends. We were simply coworkers, and our interactions were mostly professional. I thought I could forget about him once he left the company, but it has been close to a year now, and I still can’t. I have no idea why this pointless non-relationship is weighing down so much on me. I am now in the middle of my sick leave, and I cannot go to sleep though it’s almost 4 am.

I text him once in a while, and I can tell from his replies that the feeling is not mutual, to the point of coldness. We met once at an event, but he didn’t seem to want to carry on much of a conversation, so I didn’t push on, and we both returned to our own friends instead. My friends actually commented that we seemed like strangers. He did nothing to lead me on, and never initiated any contact. I suspect he already knows about my feelings for him. He should already be in a steady relationship. Which is why I hesitate…

Should I fess up over email? I won’t have much of a chance to meet him, except over occasional work-related matters (his current company has dealings with mine). I have wanted to just move on quietly with my hidden crush, but it has been so tough lately, I am considering writing to him about it. But I don’t wish to alarm him or cause him unnecessary stress either. I know that he is very overworked, and the last thing I want to do is to load him with more worries.

But I don’t want to be a coward either, and not act when I should. I hope his outright rejection could help me move on. This isn’t the first time I had a crush on a coworker. The last one got married, and I moved on because he is so happy now. But I have having trouble forgetting this one… perhaps i am a serial crush-holder… I don’t know if I should go ahead with this seemingly selfish act of confessing to someone who isn’t even a close friend. I probably have nothing to lose, but he might be shocked.

Any thoughts to knock some sense into me?

60 Boodle May 7, 2012 at 9:49 am

Do it. Maybe it’s selfish, but you’ve got to know. At least you’ll know.

61 Waterman March 8, 2012 at 2:04 am

I need advice. I have very strong feeling for my roommate. What do I do?

62 Shen Li April 11, 2012 at 1:25 am

this is helpful~ i’ve hinted to the guy i’m interested in, but i’m actually planning on saying it (somehow) to let him know for sure. reading this just gave me the boost of motivation i needed. [:

63 Boodle May 7, 2012 at 9:48 am

I’m sort of in the same boat. I liked this guy for years and got sort of freaked out because I didn’t know if he liked me or not. I thought he did and a friend of his out and out asked me if I did. (I told the truth.) He never made a move, although he did get a lot more red and awkward after that. I got sort of freaked out and frustrated, so when another guy hit on me, I decided to go the “easy” route. Big mistake, as the guy turned out to be a class A toad.

In any case, years later I see my crush again and despite me trying to ease myself out of it (old habits die hard, indeed…), I can’t help it. I like him. I’m not sure of what I feel, but I know it’s something and that it’s not nothing. I’m probably going to confess via phone or email since it’s hard to get him alone, but in a strange way I’m looking forward to it even if there is a heart break. I’d rather know and get it over with than agonize and spend years wondering what the answer would have been. Even if it’s a “no”, then at least I’ve got an answer.

64 Ia May 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Okay… I am 15 years old and I’m stuck in rut. I recently had an accidental crush on a friend of mine. Trust me it was short, I liked him for 2 weeks then *POOF!*, all my feelings went back to normal. I’m not really the type pf girl who takes love very seriously, actually, I barely take it any seriously at all, I’m one of those people who say “Love’s is over-rated.” and other chiz. Since we’re on Summer break, we only talk via FB chat. So yeah, he’s a good friend of mine and like any other person in the earth would say, I wouldn’t want to end our friendship. The worst part is, he’s one of my bestfriends’ ex-boyfriend. And I soooo don’t want to look desperate. So thanks for the advice.

65 Kat Karn June 9, 2012 at 5:06 am

I was just googling for ridiculous ways people have confessed their love for a blog post idea I had, but I ended up on your really great page instead! I’ve always been the one to just wait it out, but it has driven me crazy every single time. I kind of believe in the fact that if a guy wants to be with you, he will find a way to show it to you no matter how awkward it can be for him (or you). I guess I am old-fashioned in that sense that I hate the idea of having to make the first move.
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66 Really confused.. June 21, 2012 at 1:21 am

I REALLY want to confess. But the awkward crash and burn outcome is scaring me. What if i wanted to know the truth whether it is yes or no, so bad, that i didn’t care it ruined our friendship? Is that just selfish?

What is this itch that makes me want to confess? WHY? Can someone just say something that makes it all CLICK and make the itch go away? I have tried focussing on all sorts of other things. Hanging with other people. Get my mind off it! But this itch is strong. I want to move on.. :(

I see two ways – tell them, expect a NO pretty much – or stay away from them and then thing get awkward anyway? So WTH? Looks like a dead end to me..

67 Olly September 1, 2012 at 8:40 am

Hey hey, Want to start off by saying that I’m loving your blog, been reading it today for the first time. I saw you mention in a few places you hardly have guys commenting, well now you have one more :) a gay guy but that still counts.

This post and rule #2: no secret crushes were like big sausage fingers pointing directly at me, I’m in a situation at the moment where I have strong feelings for a friend of mine. It sucks bumz.
I understand what you meant when you said it totally snuck up on you, with me, it also came out of nowhere. So I’m going to share the story of my current situation. Get ready for an episode of Gays of Our Lives. To avoid confusion I’ll refer to this friend as S.

I have a very close-knit group of friends, they are an amazing bunch of people. In january this year, when all of us went on an outing to an alternative nightclub to headbang to some rock music for a change, it just happened. I don’t know how or why, but the feelings just popped up, said “HEY, we’re here now!” and they’ve stuck around. I thought I was just crazy or I had suffered a mild stroke and they would just go away, but 8 months later and I’m still gaga over this guy.

Over the past 8 months I’ve resorted to numerous tactics to try keep my feelings hidden, and I’ve done it surprisingly well. I’ve treated him like a brother. But 2 weeks ago I realised that I can’t this anymore, I’m not being fair to myself. This “epiphany” was not pretty by any means!

The Epiphany:
So 2 weeks ago I go to a club with a couple of friends, S being one of them, and naturally, there’s dancing and drinking and everything like that.

Now I don’t know if Americans have a term for this, but you know when you’re drunk and out of nowhere you become depressed and start crying? That happened to me, it was a first. Here in South Africa we call it “dronkverdriet” which literally means “drunk grief.”

I was with a friend, not a particularly close one, she isn’t part of my usual group. We’ll call her Blondie. In this drunken grief I poured my heart out to her, thankfully S was off dancing and flirting elsewhere and never noticed the drama. Another friend of mine was with me, he’s deaf, and he’s part of my usual group. He was very confused and worried about me, so i ended up telling him too, but I trust that friend with my life, and I know he would never tell.

The next day, I realise what I’ve done. I didn’t know if she’d end up telling anyone. So while we’re doing cocktails at a friend’s place, I get my best friend alone and I tell her the scenario. I didn’t want her finding out through someone else. She gave me the best advice ever, she said pretty much what you’ve said in this post. Knowing is better than not knowing. She told me I should tell him, not in a creepy “I’ve been in love with you for ages!!!” way, but to just let him know that I do feel something. She also said that it could risk the friendship, but that I do have other friends, and that if things don’t work out I can move forward.

That’s when I realised i really have to tell him. And I’m going to. And reading this post has pushed me to do it even more.

I’ve decided to adopt rule #2 into my own life. I’m not going to wait forever for “the perfect moment,” I’m simply going to wait for “a moment.”

I’ll post here again once I’ve done it and tell you how it went.

Thanks for the inspiration Rachel. :)

68 Andy October 24, 2012 at 3:20 pm

hey, have you told him? I’m pretty much going through the same thing, except that no one knows it and he’s most probably straight.

69 lily September 27, 2012 at 3:15 am

Yes, i did it by email…finally…after 2 years …and the great thing is that, if i had not said my feelings out loud by email, i would not have moved on…ironic that everytime i tried to get his attention, he wuld just ignore me, and well, i met the love of my life thru BEING ignored..lol…truth hurts, but u never know whats around the corner, if u dont let go, and just SAY IT:)…saying out my feelings was the closure that i needed to move on and continue my life

70 Andy October 24, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Hey,

I think you’re a really brave for telling him that. I think one should totally do something about a crush: it’s always better to find out rather than keep on wondering twenty years later what if..

I’m planning to tell one of y best friend as soon as our dissertation is done as there’s quite a lot on our mind. They only problem is that he most probably is straight. He never really speaks about his sexuality. Once when I wanted to find out I asked whether he was straight, gay, or asexual. He said no to asexuality but kept quite about the rest. That’s probably the only thing that gives me hope. The worst thing is that we are really good friend and from the same circle of friends. We were also flatmates last year at uni. I’m scared that this can overcomplicate my relationships at uni with other people but I really can’t keep quite any longer. I haven’t had a proper sleep for about 1.5 years. I think I just need to hear no, and etc otherwise I’ll keep on dreaming and making things up. Our relationship as friends went up a lot lately too. It’s so messy but as I you one has a right to know he’s amazing and if you dont tell him, then it’s really hard to move on. I’ve tried that so hard that confession seems like the only option. I hope I’m right.

71 Nathaniel November 1, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Nice post sorry things didnt work out with that guy but im glad your ok though

Let me tell you about my story and im a straight guy btw sorry if its a lil long

so it all started when i was 14 (2004) met this beautiful girl (lets call her D) at a pool party i mean everything about her was just downright gorgeous but i was a shy kid back then but i had a friend push me to do pursue her i eventually caved in and did it we chilled talk and took pictures all night. She ended up giving me some bogus excuse (about her parents being super overly strict which wasnt a lie but i didnt like that) to not give me her number something about her dad or whatever so i was mad but she did give me her aim we talked for a lil bit after that then we drifted apart

Probably about 2 years later we started im’ing each other again and they went on forever (for about a year) i ended up getting a girlfriend in the middle of all this but it didnt last long, but then just as i thought of the idea to tell her how i felt my mother decided she wanted to move to another city (2008) we still kept talking even though i moved. Phone convos that lasted hrs, skyping all the time, i wasnt sure if she liked me or not and i didnt want to tell her over skype i’d rather do it in person so i just never told her. but one day while i was on the phone with her i slipped up and told her i had sex with another girl nothing serious and she went bat shit on me wanting to know her name what she looked like how old is she blah blah blah and at that point i realized she does have feelings for me but i still didnt want to tell her like this. (2009) Then about 2-3 weeks later i see she has a boyfriend and i was pissed but i didnt voice my opinion just ignored it cause what can i do… we still talked when they were together not as much as we use to but probably about atleast 3 times a week. they eventually broke up but we still didnt talk like we use to but it picked back up later in the year then 2010 we talked a lot more like every other day if not everyday. She’d call me most of the time then get mad cause i dont call her. Went down to miami to visit her and friends, i visited while she was in class because of her strict parents but i was still stupid so wen i saw her i just wanted to take pictures cause i really like pictures maybe because i like documented memories, one pose was with me lifting her up and us kissing, now that was the perfect excuse for me to just start kissing her but noooo i didnt go in it for the kill i just put my lips on her lips it lasted for about 5 maybe 10 seconds however long it took the timer to go off we took a couple more then we talked and she went back to class FAIL

In 2011 i moved to orlando for school and got even further away from her but we still talk all the time. i went down for her birthday (21st a 3day weekend) i had in mind that i was going to tell her how i felt but when the moment came up the words just werent there. I said i kinda had feelings for her but then she replied with i was afraid this would happen my friend told me that this might happen blah blah blah i hope this doesnt change things between us and being the good guy that i am i didnt fight for her or anything (i kinda felt thats what she needed) i said no way nothings going to change and right after that i left to my car and totally shut down sat down shed a tear or 2 sucked it up and told myself it’ll be alright so i was still in miami for 2 more days i was gonna go to the club (her first time clubbing and she wanted to me to be there) with her and her friends and the beach next day so i still went to the club with her got drunk or atleast a lil tipsy drowned out the pain and had fun i cancelled on the beach though cause i was still heart broken.

after i left we didn’t speak for like 2 month its the longest we’ve gone without talking i tried getting her out of my mind i thought it worked but she called and the feelings came rushing back and we talked everyday from that point on. we always use to send ily before we went to bed to each other but one night during christmas time she said i love you over the phone and i didnt say it back i was thinking she was throwing around the Love word aimlessly and i didnt want to go through this she wanted to know why i didnt say it but i didnt tell her now that i think about it that would have been the perfect time to tell her how i felt, but i didnt. We still talked everyday after that i just stopped writing ily through text messages, her birthday came around again but i was unable to make it down to miami but i didnt do down a few weeks after i saw her but it just didnt feel like the right time to say it wasnt even for that long cause she was on break i really wanted a full day with her but her parents are super strict (thats what she tells me) after i went back up we stopped talking again for a few months then i saw a picture of her with some guy all hugged up and shit and it made me really mad sad and depressed all at the same time. i feel like im losing her. we dont talk as much as we use to but i just skyped with her last night with the intentions of telling her (but i want to do this in person when im not in school so i can actually be with her im not a fan of long distance relationships.) we talked for an hr and a half we were having so much fun (it was actually the most fun i had in awhile despite all the parties i go to and friends i go out with nothing compared to how good i felt seeing her face and talking to her) i didnt want to let that go so i ended up not telling her once again.

I know that i need to know so i can let go and move on cause theres this girl up here in orlando that im talking to i could see something there but i just cant bring myself to be in a relationship with someone other then D i’ve actually been single for about 3 years because of that. what should i do i know i need to tell her but im just afraid of losing her we’re young (22) i still have more growing up to do and i’ve talked to guys that have gotten married around this age and they all advised against it. theres still a player side inside of me i feel like i should let that loose and get that out of my system but with her on my brian 24/7 it doesnt happen im so confused.

this is the first time i’ve actually written on something like this btw.

72 Morgan May 12, 2013 at 2:49 am

Hey, please listen, if this girl ever told you she loved you, you must really mean a lot to her. In my personal opinion (as a woman no less) I suggest you tell her the truth. It doesn’t have to be all dramatic with candles and the full moon or anything, just have a nice conversation and then just ask her if you can tell her something. It’s better to just get your feelings out then to bottle it all up, because you really do end up bursting. (I’ve experienced this first-hand) D seems to be a wonderful girl and friend, and she need to know just as much as you need to tell her. You clearly care deeply for this girl, so just confess. It’ll all be okay, just remember, everything happens for a reason, and if she doesn’t feel the same way then that’s alright too. I promise, you will feel so much better afterwords. :)

73 Tiffany December 17, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I just confessed today. Not via e-mail, but in person. I told my friend that I had a secret to tell, and confessed I liked him. He blushed and looked away. I was expecting a rejection, so it didn’t feel bad at all. I continued by explaining that I’m ok by being just friends, and isn’t looking to go into a relationship because I needed to focus on my studies. He just replied ‘not to worry about it’, which was an indirect rejection. Man, what a sissy. He couldn’t even say ‘No’ to my face. Now, I’m still bitter thinking about it, but at least it’s the first step to moving on from this crush.

74 unsure December 20, 2012 at 5:59 pm

I like this person and we call each other nicknames. People always say that we make a cute couple and I am unsure what to do. please help

75 Tessa December 28, 2012 at 9:53 pm

I am a female in my 40s. I have been friends-with-benefits with a guy for about 10 years. We have both been in and out of relationships with others. Currently, neither of us is in a relationship. We have always had an amazing connection. I have had an epiphany that I am in love with him and this is probably why I have not been able to commit to anyone else. Life took us to different locations but we still manage to find some time to visit each other. We kind of joke around about neither of us being able to find the right person. About 8 years ago before I moved to the other side of the world, I was in New Orleans and had my palm and tarot cards read. She told me the man for me needed 3 years to finish up what he was doing. At some point a few years ago I shared that with him. Every time I see him he asks about my 3 year plan. I want to tell him how I really feel but even at my age I am scared. I was really looking for some advice from a man on this subject but cannot seem to find it anywhere! Should I tell him?

76 jackback January 23, 2013 at 12:57 am

Im a straight dude whos been enamored with this girl for a few months. Were both debate nerds and have some stuff in common. I really dont know if she knows the way I feel, though Ive tried to make it known indirectly. Shes always responded well, and I have long suspected she feels the same because of the way shes acted towards me. So I dont know anything for sure; im in limbo.
She recently started going out with someone else and it hurts something fierce. Whats worse is that Im moving in a couple months, and i have been dying to just tell her how i feel before I go. She wants to go to college where Im moving, but she isnt aware of that. I see dozens of possibilities playing out here, and im trapped. Not a warm feeling.

77 Kat Malin October 16, 2013 at 7:03 pm

Just tell her or wait until you move. By then she may not even be with the boy. High school relationships usually don’t last forever.

78 Bianca March 3, 2013 at 1:44 pm

I just asked my guy friend who I am so in love with I can’t even function lol to prom an he said yes! What I need advice on is if I should confess my love to him on our way home from prom or wait till the next time we hang out so in case I get rejected that won’t be my only memory of prom.

79 Madi May 9, 2013 at 9:59 pm

Ok so my best friend for the past year i have known since middle school, we are both 30 now. We got super close this whole last year and hung out all the time! we have gotten drunk and slept with eachother 5 times in this year. But nothing comes of it and we just go back to being bff’s. The problem is i’m in love with him deeply. Neither of us have dated anyone and or hang out with anyone else as much as we have with each other. I have told him about 4 times that i feelings for him and his only answer is he can’t reciprocate feelings back. But yet we only get closer after the fact. We cuddle and go out to eat, movies, he helped me buy my car, he opens doors for me. Constant flirting and compliments. He’s a complete mind fuck. His actions speak boyfriend and none of my friends understood it. i moved 2 months ago and a few weeks ago he moved across the country. With all these words and feelings unsaid i’m just torn to pieces and have huge resentment towards him. we still talk everyday and are still very close. I just want to know why if he knew my feelings, why he kept going with me. WHY! And our sex was magical, best sex ever! I have spent so much time and energy with him i’m at a loss for what to do. He knows i have feelings but doesn’t know the extent of me loving him as much as i do. We just click so well. and now that we are at opposite ends of the country i desperately need some kind of closure because i can’t get him out of my mind and i have anger towards him. I feel used and I am so conflicted of how to let go of him. I know time will heal but if i tell him i love him and i know he won’t reciprocate, i just need some sort of closure. Its all too painful when everything reminds me of him and we still are as close as before even with distance..

80 Morgan May 12, 2013 at 2:31 am

Oh man, I remember having to confess my love before I was ready. haha
Well, I actually wanted some advice, you see, I’ve been dating this guy for seven months and he’s absolutely wonderful. He’s everything that I could ever wanted, and I dearly love him, and know he loves me back, but his passion is becoming a worship leader for his church. I am proud of him for fallowing his passion, but he wants to go to a college in Kentucky, for four years. A few weeks ago we decided to just lay off for a while and just be friends even though we both don’t want to. I am just really unsure of what to do because we are supposed to be friends, but my heart still pounds in my chest when he calls and when we see each other. I’m just not sure if I should tell him how much I’ve been hurting and yearning for him lately. He is currently in Hong Kong with his family for a vacation, but his bag is at my house. I was thinking of confessing my deepest emotions in a letter and leaving it in his bag, but I’m so afraid of him becoming distant from me as a result. I don’t want to ruin the closeness we already have, but I am ready to burst. He has already confessed that he wants to marry me, but I’m very insecure (I might as well admit it) so it’s scary for me to just accept that as fact. Please help me, what do you think I should do?

81 Kat Malin October 16, 2013 at 7:06 pm

Write the letter and bury your insecureness. He confessed to wanting to marry you!! Many guys are scared to admit that. Just do it and I’m sure you guys will be together based on what you said. Don’t fight love when you have it…. Good luck!!!!

82 Anymous June 7, 2013 at 3:31 am

I have a crush on my guy friend but I don”t know if he likes me. He says he likes this other girl who moved to America (we”re in Australia) and all my other friends say he has a crush on me. But his guy friend has a crush on me and if I do end up going out with my guy friend his guy friend might get jealous and I think my guy friend knows I like him and I recently told him I like someone but he really wants to know who (I haven’t told him who)
I can’t keep stalling forever
WHAT TO DO?

83 Anymous June 7, 2013 at 5:43 am

Also I told my guy friend that I liked someone at school lets just say their name was “Fred” and he believed me
Then I gave him a really big hint because him and his friend and I were playing truth or dare and in the end i ended telling him I didn’t like “Fred” and I coludn’t tell him who he asked me if it was his friend I said no and then asked me if it was my female friend i said “no! no. no.” I was was surprised at his question. anyhow then he was a bit quieter untill the school bell went

Sincerely a confused year 7

84 Mark F June 15, 2013 at 9:09 pm

It happens at all ages.

I’m 60, and HAD a friend about 10 years younger at work that I admired a lot. After she left work and I left a few months later, we continued to meet for breakfast about once every other week. After 4-6 months or so, one day, I woke up, thinking about her, and realized she was all I was thinking about and even though I didn’t want to, I had fallen in love with her. Not good. I felt like I had betrayed a trust, since she was married with children. BUT, I also felt like you said, like NO SECRETS. So, after much agonizing, I screwed it up and out and out told her my feelings in a letter sent via email, that I felt that in some way she might feel like reciprocating AND that I know she was married and that she would be a fool if she changed courses. She replied in a one liner that she loves her husband.

So I stewed about 4 weeks, and sent her another letter saying yep, I know you love him, it is in your vows and you are a religious person and I respect that a lot, but please just try to help me understand where I got so far off course thinking she might feel something for me. I gave a few instances of things that occurred that allowed me think she might have feelings, and tried to say that I know I was wrong, but I needed to know what I misinterpreted so I didn’t make this type of mistake again.

After a few days wait, I got her reply this morning. NO, Never did, don’t, you’re not welcome, drop dead, delete me & everything about me from everything, and forget I ever existed. You are a selfish ass with the recognition capabilities of a dead snail who should have understood feelings were not reciprocated. In a word, ANGRY!

So how do I feel now? Would I change anything? The answer is yes and no. I never had intentions of falling in love with her, and feel bad that I did, but our feelings don’t often inquire about our minds. In the future I will be very cautious about becoming friends with married woman. Once I recognized my feelings, should I have hidden them? No, hiding them would have been and made things impossible anyway, I never have been good at that. Did I do what she ask? I deleted her address/email/phone/texts/messages/emails etc., as ask. Will I ever contact her again? No. No F***ing way. I’m not crazy, I’m not a stalker, I’m feeling real bad because I caused such an extreme reaction in her. Will I forget her? I read a quote something on the order of “Trying to forget someone you have loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew!” No, I won’t forget her, I will always remember her, but it’s time to move on.

I do feel that the extreme emotion/anger reflects not so much on me, but on the possibility she has some problems with herself. I say that because I know that if a woman friend came to me and told me what I told her, that I would be gentle and kind, and I would try to answer questions ask, even if I had no L word feelings for her. And i would do that for many attempts, for quite a while until it became totally obvious she wasn’t going to listen to anything. This woman is very much like me, a very logical person, with a strong intellect, and to her, reason is her strongest suite. So, I feel her anger is misplaced and telling, but I ain’t dealing with it, I’m busy cutting a trail away. If she finds me later, later.

Bottom line? I am VERY glad I tripped over your blog on this specific topic. NO SECRETS. If it goes good, great, if it goes bad, move on.

85 Yup, Been There Done That August 1, 2013 at 2:55 am

I just recently wrote an email to my good friend (who I consider to be my best female friend) and told her I’d like to date her and see if it can go somewhere beyond friendship. I didn’t use love or any of those crazy words, but I did let her know that I think she’s funnier, cooler and more attractive than any other girl I’ve known. I preferred to do this in person but certain GCHAT (damn you GCHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!) events made me feel like I had no choice BUT TO.

Almost 2 full days has passed, and she has not reached back. I see her on my chat list, but nada. I understand she is probably processing it, so I’m giving her ample time to get back to me. On the other hand, I would have appreciated a little courtesy email “Got your email. Need time. Just letting you know I got it.” I mean, I’m not holding this over her, but honestly it would be nice to GET SOMETHING. But, I know it’s just a matter of time as well. I highly doubt she’ll never respond… we have been too good of friends for her to suddenly never talk to me again. I don’t want to (over)analyze, but I’m taking her silence as a negative sign. Obviously, if she were crazy about me, she would have replied back right away. Right? So, while she may be processing my feelings, and hers… perhaps she is lukewarm at best, and at worst, totally turned off.

Sigh. But… in the end, no regrets I guess. I do oddly feel a CERTAIN sense of peace. I guess that’s why they say the truth sets you free. It is good to know, for sure, rather than wondering for months or even years on end.

No matter what, I will always care for her and want the best for her. If she doesn’t see me the same way, it’s OK. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, anyway.

Staying busy while looking forward to hearing back from her definitively, one way or the other.

86 Dancer27 September 7, 2013 at 4:13 pm

Did she answer???

And since you’re a guy, let me ask you this….
I have a life long best friend whom I’ve recently started to have feelings for. I don’t know how to approach this situation mainly because, as EVERYONE says, I don’t want to ruin our friendship (especially that our families are friends as well).
WHAT DO I DO????

87 lk September 13, 2013 at 11:04 am

i want to agree with what you said that “there is no regrets and certainly, there’s a sense of peace. i was actually doing the same thing just right now. thinking of few more times and getting some guts to hit “send”. because, you said that “it will set you free”, i think i gained the guts already.

he may not respond or even talk to me anymore, but this may help me to move on. thanks for this post ms. rachel!

there is more to life! :)

88 Rachel Harrison October 7, 2013 at 2:15 pm

I love this guy who’s my friend and we have been getting so much closer recently, I have loved him from the day we met 3 years ago but have never told him. I feel like this is the time but have no idea how to say it….HELP??

89 Kat Malin October 16, 2013 at 6:38 pm

Rachel…. this is always hard trust me I know. But it never hurts to tell him how you really feel. Worst comes worst you guys aren’t friends anymore, but that’s his bad because he lost someone really special. You gotta talk to him when he’s alone and just tell him everything that you feel! That’s the best solution right now. And if he ends up feeling the same way, then not only do you have your best friend, but you have him as a boyfriend. :) Good luck!!!!

90 Avantika October 8, 2013 at 8:04 am

So how should I begin..got a lot of things to say and confess..yes, I have a crush on my schoolmate who is apparently my classmate in a foreign language class..I had something for him since the instant I saw him on the first day of my higher secondary school…and he was the perfect guy I could ever imagine for..the nice part was he also noticed me…(of course a little later)..but he did..I never showed him that I even look at him or notice him but I always got a feeling that he was observing me from a distance..and then I had an accident…injuring me pretty bad but I still attended the school the next day..and there he asked me about the accident..that was the time we really started talking..before that we only had the introductions exchanged in the foreign language class…I sent him a request on a chat site and he quickly accepted..and we began chatting…we became good friends on net but couldn’t dare to look at each other at school. Some shy feeling was always there..but we never talked for more than a second at school..whenever it came to pass any info to him regarding anything, I used to do that through his friend…I happen to ignore him really bad and he also does the same…but I lately came to know the reason that his friends tease him about me and him…okay, sonwe confessed that we like each other on chats but never had the courage to say it lively..we both are just too shy on this…moreover once I was about to propose a relationship to him but one of his statement s stopped me from facing the embarrassment…he told me he wasnt ready for any relationship and I too think that his studies are important and I don’t want to ruin them…I am okay with it..but he suddenly deactivated his account which makes our chat impossible and I’m upset about that…half of the time I find myself thinking about him which takes most of my attention..sometimes I feel that he doesn’t care much about me…but I have fallen for him so badly that I really cant move on…he is my first and only crush..maybe love! Your article couldnt have come to me at a better time than this but I am still considering if I should propose him a relationship… I feel like I will lose myself without him.

91 pat October 13, 2013 at 12:37 pm

I told a friend I like him over text. I didnt want to use the word love coz i was scared of his reaction. It had been 1 year since I had loved him. He said thanks.
I have been unable to speak with him since. I am so nervous around him. I want things to go back to normal. But since that day, not even once have I looked him in the eye, or spoken with him, or smiled at him or waved at him. I still love him. I dont think i will be able to forget him ever. I dont want to ever forget him.
I have lost him as a friend as well.. I think about him all day and night.

92 Kat Malin October 16, 2013 at 6:35 pm

For me, it was a completely different story. I lost my best friend for about 3 months because I confessed my feelings to him. We were together for about 2-3 weeks but I realized that I just wanted to be friends. Unfortunately he thought I was lying, so he made me tell him that I was being serious on his birthday!! :( I felt like such an ass but what could I have done? Either way it would’ve hurt him. It took him a while to trust me again. He finally gained his trust with me when we went to homecoming together. It was great at first….until he took things too far. He got a little too touchy and I didn’t feel comfortable. I kept on telling him no. As much as I want to be his best friend again, this was not the solution. I was not gunna let him “feel me up” if that’s what it took to be best friends again. Now I’m the one is ify about us being friends again, but he doesn’t know that quite yet. High school is so damn difficult and hard, but I know I’ll meet someone else soon.

93 Kat Malin October 16, 2013 at 7:01 pm

So one more story I have to tell. My freshmen year I met this guy from a friend. We exchanged numbers and texted like crazy. I immediately fell for him. He had to choose between two girls, but decided to choose me!! A week later my friend asked me out. I didn’t know him that well, but in the end, like an idiot I accepted. I had very low self esteem and thought I needed a boyfriend. I dated him for 2 weeks and then I realized what a HUGE mistake I made. I texted my friend and told him that I made a mistake, but I was too late. He chose the other girl. Later that year we had a huge argument and stopped talking until my junior year. He was dating a senior. He was in my gym class, but he constantly flirted with me and even asked me to kiss him once, but said he was joking because he knew I wouldn’t do it. This year, my senior year, I saw him again at a bowling alley with some friends. We got to talking and caught up with one another. Afterwards we started to text again. Two weeks ago I went to a party and was talking to a friend and I told him that I couldn’t hold it in anymore, that I had to tell him how I felt. So I grabbed him to the side and I told him that I had feelings for him. He said, “Katie, you’re fucking with me.” I said no I’m so serious. I told my other friend and asked him what he meant. He apologized to me and gave me a hug and told me he didn’t feel the same way. I couldn’t understand…. he was always flirting with me. The next day he texted me. He told me that it was too complicated with him because he was going into the military and things were difficult with his girlfriend. They broke up, but it was just too complicated. He didn’t want me to get involved. Plus he said he would be gone for four years, but I told him that I could wait for him. A couple days later we talked and I told him that it would be hard for me to move on because I was in love with him. Then he had the nerve to tell me that how could he love me when I didn’t even know me. It really hurt me. He thought that I was just some chick trying to fuck with his mind. I can honestly say that I have moved on because of it. It was hard as hell, but I had too, or I would be depressed as ever. So I met this guy, he is in college. He is really nice and cute. The only thing is that its hard at times for me to believe him because I’m not sure if he’s just trying to find a fuck buddy or if he actually cares about me. It’s hard to find good people these days. I’m taking it slow though, which is usually not my thing, but I got it under control this time. I’m just focusing on school and myself for now. Boys can be so dumb…. that’s what I’ve learned every single time. But they sure do get our attention. I’m still hurt about the situation with my friend, but for now I’m protecting my heart, which can be bad and good. Bad because sometimes when I protect my heart, I go a little too far and I don’t let people in. But good because I don’t get hurt. All in all my love life right now is stable and there is no drama. *Knocks on wood three times* :) <3

94 Jazz October 17, 2013 at 2:57 pm

Hi folks,
I read this and I am so ashamed that I am so shy and pussy. I have a crush for a guy and its already for five years. That is since university. We meet here and there, during lunch and so on. I am sure that he has crush on me too, but I just can’t make myself do something. There are periods when I message him but the conversation ends in few days and comes complete silent. Well I am in a big trouble because this thing is ruining my life, I am 25 and because of that “relationship” I had no BF, I postpone my MBA because this means for me leaving for USA and that is very far from my country; this even makes me stay on same job because our offices are on the same street and this means that at least once in a week we will meet by chance; I just can’t get do guys have same fears as we girls, or does it just mean that I am confused and he doesn’t really like me because he keeps silent. I asked my guy friends about that and all say that pride and fear that is something odd for guys and that when they really want something they will go for it. But then I think I know what I want but I am freaking out to go for it. Not seeing him is impossible, because we have common friends go to friend’s weddings, B-days, meet up during lunch, I tried not to see him avoid but this didn’t work for me and didn’t work for him too.
P.S Even if i stop seeing him, then I start seeing him in dreams, I feel like this is forever :((((((
PLZ advice me what I could possible do besides confessing directly, because at stake is relationships and friendship with other people too. Because I know one of us will have to start avoiding all those situations and this would be terrible for any of us.

95 christina October 27, 2013 at 6:55 pm

Hey all :)
My name is Christina and I met this one guy a few days before me was leaving for studying abroad. Actually we were both driving down town. we met at the road lights in the middle of the night when we both were going home he was in the car next to me. we both looked at each other and felt the attraction. He opened his window and asked me my name and we kept talking until the next lights. Then he told me to follow him, I did. We went outside his house. We talked a lot and he asked me my phone number. We kept talking until the day i was flying away from my home counrty. He was really sweet and charming. He kept texting me after i left. This hole time we been flirting and chating but nothing too serious. He is 25yrs old lawyer and me 18 now 19 yrs old wannabe actress. This is killing me bcs i dont know if he is really single i dont know if he’s really into me I just know i like him so bad. Also he told me that he would come and find me soon but we dont talk anymore.. I want him BAD. sad part is I dont like anyother man. But him. What im I supposed to do? Well obviously Ill say smth to him. the letter is very good. I think I ll get inspiration and write my own. Its been 2 months already I cant keep thinking of him. To be continued soon. xx

96 Yup, Been There Done That December 12, 2013 at 4:38 am

Hey everyone, an update to my post from August 1, 2013.

Well, it took her 9 days to get back to me, and it was the typical “I am not ready to date but wanna still be friends” answer. Which is female talk for “I’m not ready to date… you, now, or ever in fact.” Our friendship was never the same and has since crumbled. Last we spoke she replied to my “life update” email 3 weeks ago with one of her own, where she told me she fell for her guy friend. At that point I had already moved on so it didn’t sting much to hear that, but it made me laugh at the whole thing. I lost a friend I cherished, but I didn’t lose a GOOD friend. It was an unhealthy friendship/crush, and I’m glad I tried so I am never left wondering.

it is what it is. Life goes on and oh, this experience taught me to NEVER confess ever again.
Next time, I’ll just take action. Somehow, uttering the words “I like you” (if the girl doesn’t feel the same way) strips the guy of all his mystery and power, and really the friendship goes downhill from there.

97 Malibu December 20, 2013 at 7:20 pm

I’m glad I found this thread but I still need a resounding YES or NO.

Backstory:
I met him 10 months ago on-line as a fill-in distraction after a break-up with the guy I was with for almost a decade (and who I was still living with while we figured out the whole ‘we’re not together’ anymore weirdness).
He’s 15 years my junior, never married, no children
I’m divorced (not the same guy as mentioned above-we had no children together) and have two adult daughters

So, we chatted/talked/texted almost two months before we actually met. We clicked in an awesome way. Scary compatible but opposite upbringings more than a generation age gap. Still, it worked because he’s an old soul and I’m youthful and care-free. We were intimate for about 2 months. Then, we were not…for many months. During the ‘not’ time, we became the best’est’ of friends regularly texting or calling each other, spending time together watching movies, eating dinner, hanging out, going to concerts (we both enjoy the same music).

Recently, we have become intimate again, albeit, sporadically. I guess the sexual tension was too much for us both. My doing – he was extremely shy and uncomfortable at first (even though we are amazing together). Obviously, we are very much attracted to each other. But, I think we enjoy each other’s company even more than the sex. So, we actually LIKE each other. However, the question that remains is how? As purely friends, friends with benefits, maybe more than friends?

I don’t know how he feels. I DO know I feel. I think he’s a kind-hearted, sweet, passionate, loving, driven, considerate, amazing man who makes me laugh, respects me and admires me. I would never want to jeopardize loosing him. He is an important part of my life. By the same token, I can’t stop thinking about him, I’m most happy when he’s around and I miss him more than I care to admit when he’s not. I desire for him to be happy…he very much deserves it. That is how I feel but do I tell him? I’ve told him all of the above (about the kind of person he is)except the latter.

He is very shy. I know he’d never tell me if he felt the same. He’s written me letters and cards and very sweet text messages about what he thinks about me, that he misses me and that he feels blessed to have me in his life. I don’t know whether they are just friendly messages or he’s really into me. He’s such a nice guy, it’s hard for me to gauge and it’s killing me. Funny thing, is I wouldn’t be crushed if he didn’t feel the same. I just don’t want him to feel ‘uncomfortable’ and back away from me. I need him in my life. What is a girl to do–wait and see and leave things alone OR tell him EXACTLY how I feel?

I love and hate feeling this way…

98 Rockstar January 3, 2014 at 3:22 am

hey! same story…….. he was my best friend….. actually 2 weeks ago he was my best friend….. but no more……. i never realized about it until one day when he had a fight with a senior over a girl ( who is a very good friend of mine), who is liked by both the guys. they both where punching & fighting like wrestlers….. all our friends came running & it was that day when i realized that he is not just a friend but alot more than that….. we too had a trip just next week…. we both have a common friend who indeed is a really true friend, so i told him….. he told me that i must not hide my feeling & gave me motivation to go & confess…… & i did, i told him what i felt about him & that’s all….. we still have the group hangouts, we still go for movies, picnics, parties with common friends (our group of 8) but….. he doesn’t talk to me the way we always used to, he doesn’t share secrets with me anymore, he doesn’t tell me why he’s upset… but i’m glad he is with the one he likes & i m also glad that i told him……

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