Oatmeal is pretty much the un-sexiest thing out there so you’d think I could make it through a bowl of it without thinking about P in the V.
I had seen Better Oats at Super Target and the packaging really caught my eye. I’m a sucker for good design and this is pretty legit. The oatmeal comes in this cool, narrow box that is unlike any other oatmeal on the shelf; the individual pouches inside the box actually serve as the measuring cup for the water you add to the instant oatmeal. The brand seems really cool and social media savvy and according to their website, the packaging is designed to reduce waste in a major way. I just think it’s perfect for people who eat at their desks or for taking on a trip. I do neither of those things so I couldn’t justify buying it, but I certainly wanted to. It’s just so smart.
But then I went on vacation to the Ozarks and suddenly I could justify it! I bought the plain oatmeal and ate it with peanut butter, full-fat milk, and blueberries each morning. It was delicious and filling. After vacation, I decided to keep buying Better Oats; I don’t really eat oatmeal that often, but I’m trying to mix up my breakfasts a little bit.
So post-vacation I was back at Super Target, standing in front of the Better Oats and was trying to decide which kind to buy and suddenly I had to ask myself, Um…am I standing in the grocery store…or a sex toy store?
This oatmeal has a ton of different brands and varieties and all have names reminiscent of condoms, lube, vibrators, or other sexy things. For example…
RAW PURE & SIMPLE: Bare. My preferred flavor, because I don’t want anything between my oats and me. Too much flavor added to your oatmeal is like wearing a raincoat in the shower.
ABUNDANCE. For those with a large…appetite.
GOOD ‘N HEARTY. This will fill you up all right!
FIT. Could be oatmeal for those girls watching their weight…or could be a cute little pink vibe for those girls who have never bought one before.
THICK & HEARTY. Extra thick….nothing is getting through this rubber!
Strawberries & Cream. You’ll want to lick it all off…the bowl, that is.
Oat HEADS. I don’t even have anything to say about that one; I just can’t stop giggling.
MOM’S BEST NATURALS. Nothing gets your day started like…MILF porn?
LAVISH: Dark Chocolate. The name/packaging on this chocolate oatmeal reminds me of an R & B video.
Mmmm…MUFFINS. So you can go muffin diving?
Breakfast just got a whole lot sexier.