On Sunday, I went to a couple Halloween superstores — so not my style, but with my mom 1,300 miles away, I have to buy some parts of my costume this year — and I was kind of appalled by some of the costumes on the market. Sexy…Sponge Bob? Sexy…mail delivery girl?? WHAT?! As I browsed the cheap, depressing costumes, I was once again I was reminded of this post originally from my Spartanette blog that I think of every year when I’m planning my Halloween costume.
Any holiday that includes role playing and portion-control candy is a good holiday for me! But as much as I love Halloween, the average dude loves it even more. He gets to wear something comfortable/funny and sit back to watch hundreds of drunken girls try to out-slut each other with their costumes.
We have the formula down by now. It’s not too difficult. If you’re trying to get attention, you just dress up as something you can make look “naughty.” But just what you make naughty is going to change what kind of guy is attracted to you on Halloween.
Here is my breakdown of some typical Halloween costumes and what kind of guy they will land you.
You are: A Catholic school girl, a nun, an angel, a secretary — any buttoned-up girl just waiting to go wild.
You’re attracting: Virgins, sadists, dirty old men.
You are: A devil, prisoner, a mobster — you’re ready to flaunt your disrespect for authority and play up the time you got a ticket for failing to “Click It.” You’re such a badass.
You’re attracting: Thugs, bad boys, and Christians looking to “save” you (and then bang you).
You are: Whether you’re a cat or bunny, you’re quite possibly just a tease. The short hemline says, “Take me home tonight” but the fur trim and fluffy tail says “I gave my word to stop at third.”
You’re attracting: Members of PETA, guys who grew up on remote farms and lost their virginity to the sheep.
You are: Dressed as a heroine from literature or mythology, you’re too smart to be anything without some cultural context. My guess is you’re a nerd who stumbled upon her hot bod late in life.
You’re attracting: Grad students, older men, your TA.
You are: A sexy chef, a sexy cupcake, sexy grapes.
You’re attracting: food fetishists, Jared the Subway guy.
(Flirty sushi in 2009.)
You are: A cop, a fireman, a drill sergeant—you’re the girl who has always wanted to cuff and collar someone or make a guy drop and give you 20.
You’re attracting: Guys who have some variety of “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers and American flags on their small-penis-compensation trucks.
You are: A referee, a cheerleader or a baseball player — you’re probably someone who never played sports, but you know guys think it’s hot when girls are athletic (as long as it’s not in the varsity softball way).
You’re attracting: Guys who have always wanted to get dominated by a women’s soccer team, guys who were the star of their high school football team but weren’t good enough to play in college, lesbians.
You are: Post-Federline Britney, pre-hepatitis Pam Anderson, a sexy Nascar driver — you’re ready to ditch the pearl necklace and country club perception people have of you and go slummin’.
You’re attracting: Guys dressed as Kid Rock for the same reason, Nascar enthusiasts who don’t understand the irony of it all.
You are: a sexy Facebook page, a sexy Princess Leia….again, you’re the nerd who one day put down the books and realized she had T & A.
You’re attracting: the guy dressed as the “I’m a PC” guy, the whole Genius Bar.
(Naughty solar system in 2008.)
(Sexy iPod in 2007. It’s kind of weird to think that now that costume is obsolete and I’d have to be an iPhone.)
I definitely enjoy the naughty geek costumes — unsurprising, really. What’s your style?