Over the weekend, the following three things occurred:
- I was looking at the huge world map that Eric and I bought to hang in our bedroom. I wanted to get a closer look because I wanted a geography refresher — my world geography skills are nothing short of shameful and I’m not saying that in a “isn’t it cute that I’m so flaky?” kind of way, but in a holy-shit-I-think-I’ve-realized-my-2013-New-Year’s-Resolution kind of way — and when I couldn’t make out all the tiny country names, I reached forward so I could pinch the image to expand it.
- I was looking through the large stack of mail taking over our entryway table (ladies and gentlemen, I do not recommend letting glasses and a beard distract you from the fact that a man’s something of a hoarder) and when I couldn’t immediately find what I was looking for, a thought popped into my head: just type what you’re looking for in the search field and get on with it.
- I washed my hair, after avoiding it for a week.
Regarding the first two: whatever. I’m not ashamed of my love for technology or the fact that it wears me out sometimes. Everything I love wears me out sometimes. (Or perhaps I wear it out. I don’t know. I do think maybe I’ve loved some things to death though. And some people, but just in the metaphorical sense.)
Regarding the hair washing: water has always been my enemy and my extensions are a pain to wash.
Really, I just find showering to be a huge waste of time. Like, yeah, it has its time and place, but on the whole, I think it’s rather overrated. As a result, I take very short showers. If I’m staying with friends and I take a shower, I often get a “…you’re done already?” when I exit the bathroom, wrapped in a towel and hunting for my lotion, two minutes after going in. “I couldn’t even get wet in that amount of time,” everyone says.
I feel like everyone but me is in some secret shower club and they have really cool meetings while they are in there. That’s the only reason I can think of that everyone I know loves taking long showers. I mean yeah, “secret shower club meetings” could be the newest way of saying you’re getting yourself off, but I don’t think that’s it. So my question always is…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN THERE?!
“Singing,” everyone says. “Thinking.” “That’s when I get my best ideas.”
I get so bored in the shower. The only thing I’m thinking about in there is how fast I can get out. The best idea I’ve had in the shower was when I realized I could get out but leave the water running to fool Eric into thinking I was in there for a socially acceptable amount of time. I didn’t do it, but I’m hanging onto that one.
Earlier this year, Eric and I actually started taking our morning showers together. Having someone to talk to in there was the only thing that made showering tolerable, and having someone to wash your back just makes good sense. (As much as I enjoyed our shared showers, I’d still be done first and would just be standing around tapping my foot, looking at my pruney fingers…finally, I’d say, “Welp, see ya later!” and I’d bounce. He’d stay in there for another few minutes doing God knows what. But it was still a step in the right direction.)
But at our new place? The master bathroom has a Jacuzzi tub and then a separate shower stall. That thing is a prison! Two people cannot reasonably fit in this shower and so I’ve lost the small way I’d found to enjoy a shower. (And don’t even get me started on baths. I love myself but I just can’t get past the idea of human broth, which is what a bath is making. I took one bath in my new tub and while it was mildly enjoyable — mainly because it came after a week of moving and I was so filthy and exhausted, I would have done far worse things things than take a bath if you told me it would make me feel better — I have no desire to take one again. I honestly can’t remember the last time I took a bath prior to that. I know it was several years ago. For me, baths are just something that only exist in movies. In real life, with no plot to further or teenage boys to titillate, what would be the point of taking one?)
So I’ve never liked showering, but this weekend, it occurred to me that my love for technology, the love that has made me start approaching real-life objects like they all have touch screens, has made me hate water even more than I used to. As we all know, water ruins more than hair…it also ruins technology. The two cannot coexist. And so I hate showering.
I spend most of my life in two states: reading or writing. If I am not sleeping or having good sex, I am probably reading or writing. If I am not doing those things, I likely am wanting to get my hands on a device (or a book or a notebook — paper is shower’s original victim) so I can get back to doing those things. And the shower…it tricks you! It promises to be a place of relaxation, inspiration, and creativity but…HOW CAN I RELAX IF I CAN’T READ OR WRITE THINGS DOWN? AND IF MY HAIR IS MELTING?!
I feel like technology is a superhero, showering is its arch nemesis, and I am the unassuming love interest who is always getting lured into dangerous situations as part of their ongoing battle. I was dumb enough to believe the shower (dressed up like an old lady, most likely) when it told me to come out of the cold bedroom, that it would be nice and warm in there. Once I’m in and the hot water hits my body, I hear a sound from the bathroom counter. I’ve just gotten an e-mail. And there is my phone, blinking its light for me. I reach for it, but the super villain shower has now thrown off its disguise and is laughing maniacally, shouting to my phone, “I’ve got what’s most precious to you and if you try to touch her, you’ll both be dead!” And yet I can’t get out because then I’d freeze. I’m trapped in the evil clutches of this tiny vertical box. I’m trying to scream for help, but the evil shower head is shooting water in my face, blinding me and choking me, making it impossible for anyone to help me, and my poor phone is useless.
OK, so I suppose I do get a little thinking done in the shower, because I sometimes have thoughts like that and I am actually able to remember them until I get out and can get my hands on my phone to take them down. But for the most part, I see showering as a necessary evil, one that takes up time that could be better spent doing pretty much anything else. I know a lot of people love long showers, but I just prefer to be dry. Well-moisturized, obviously, but dry.