Fun

Best thing I ate: Bacon-wrapped mini franks at Eric’s family’s Christmas Eve party. Yum!

Best thing I drank: Martha Stewart’s candy cane cocktail, my contribution to the Christmas Eve party. I liked it but some biatch (she’s not in the family so I don’t mind calling her that) took a few sips and then said to me, “Don’t you think it needs something?” I said no but she would not drop it. She kept suggesting things she thought it needed in front of everyone, no matter how many times I said, “It’s not even my recipe. I just followed what Martha Stewart said to do.”

Best reaction to the drink biatch: Eric’s mom, who loudly said to the woman, “Well, my unrefined palette thinks it’s GREAT!”

Best romantic moment: Just last week I said to Eric that I thought the whole holidays-as-romantic thing was kind of overrated. But Sunday morning when he dropped me off at the Kansas City airport so I could fly to Michigan to spend the second part of Christmas Day with my family, he said “Merry Christmas” and gave me the most unbelievable kiss, and well…that’s the kind of shit holiday Lifetime Original Movies are made of, friends.

Biggest relief: Walking into my house in Grand Blanc at 9:30 PM on Christmas, approximately 12 hours after I left Wichita. It took two flights and two long car rides to get me there, but it just didn’t feel like Christmas until I was home.

Best wrapping: The gift from my mom pictured above, which was wrapped in a thick almost fabric-like paper that was covered in red glitter. It looked just like Dorothy’s ruby slippers and it contained this print from 20×200 that I have wanted for months.

Best gift I gave: It’s a tie. First, the Lego water bottle I gave to both Eric and Preston got a great reaction. Preston said that the water bottle and the $10 Panera gift card was “exactly what he wanted for Christmas” (he’d never seen it before) and Eric was a little giddy about his. Second, the Kindle Fire I bought for my mom. When I set it up for her this morning, the first thing she did was Google Facebook.

Best gift I received: So. Eric has been telling me the stories of his grandfather’s Christmas gifts and this year I got to experience it for myself. So the gifts actually come from Wonder, his cat who has been dead for ten or so years and they are delivered to each family member in a large cardboard box. Inside is a carefully-edited collection of presents that he has to have been collecting all year. Most of it is in brand-new condition, but is at least 15 years old. The thing is, Eric always acts like the gifts are crazy and random, but when he’s told me about them, they always seem oddly…-appropriate. Like totally eccentric, sure, but appropriate to the recipient. It’s like he picks the perfect White Elephant gifts for each family member but he’s 90 percent serious with it. Eric and his family act like he’s just so crazy, but the thing is, I feel like Eric will do the exact same thing in 60 or so years.

So this year, Eric and I received a cardboard box from Wonder made out to both of us. The first gifts were clearly for Eric: a mechanical engineering manual from the 1960s, a VHS tape from the 1980s, still in plastic wrap, promising to “turn your brain into a human calculator!” There was the gift we are still fighting over: a 1980s purple and white Cosby-style cardigan (complete with huge purple football buttons) with four panels on the front featuring Kansas State logos and mascots. And then we got to (presumably) my gifts.

A red velour tank top. A belly dancing kit, complete with the little finger cymbals. A leopard print flask. Red fur handcuffs. Some sort of sex game in a box involving dice. And a thick, color-illustrated paperback book Your Pregnancy.

Thank God we weren’t opening our gifts one by one. I looked around the room but everyone was too busy reacting to their own gifts to notice ours, or our incredibly red faces. And oh, how red our faces were. (Though later Eric’s uncle called me out for apparently announcing louder than I realized that “these handcuffs don’t even have a key — that’s messed up!” with Eric’s mom sitting right next to me.) It takes a lot to embarrass me but…wow. Yeah. The sex and alcohol themes baby-making kit did it.

But if Christmas gifts were meant to bring joy, Eric’s grandfather did it. Eric and I sat there for 10 or 15 minutes laughing so hard, we couldn’t breathe. Tears were streaming down our scarlet faces and we just couldn’t stop them. It wasn’t just the best moment of Christmas 2011 — it was one of the best moments of Christmas I’ve ever had. Total holiday magic.

Any “best of Christmas” moments to share?

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