Living in Sin

{the lessons} A Letter to My Pre-Living in Sin Self

by Rachel on April 30, 2012

A couple weekends ago, Eric and I went shopping for new bedroom furniture and I was amazed at how easy it was. It doesn’t feel like that long ago that I was in tears after every trip to IKEA. I realized that it’s been a year this month since we moved in together, and it seemed like a good time to write a letter to my pre-living in sin self.

Dear April 2011 Rachel,

I know moving in with Eric is a huge change for you and it’s making you question a lot of things right now. You’re wondering, How different are things going to be? Does this mean we’re getting engaged soon? Why aren’t I better at saving money and why do I want to buy All The Things? Am I a good feminist? While I can’t tell you the answers to all of those questions, I can tell you a few things that might make the next year a little easier.

living in sin Don’t blame each other for the harder moments your life this year. This year, at different times, you’re both going to feel extremely frustrated that your life doesn’t look like you imagined it would at this point. And — sorry to be a downer! — but you’re both going to experience personal and professional disappointments this year. I know you’re going to want to place blame, and I get that the other person is a really easy target, but trust me when I say it’s never going to be the other’s fault; it’s either going to be the result of situations out of your control, or it’s going to be the result of your own choices. Sure, the little things might be the other’s fault, but the big stuff just isn’t. I know the other person is an easy target, but when you’re looking to blame someone — and oh, you will — just Shhhhh.

Vulnerability is going to be your third roommate. Every flaw you never wanted Eric to know about? Every weakness of Eric’s that you’ve blissfully ignored? Sorry, but those are all going to be exposed this year. Actually, most are going to be exposed the day of your first trip to IKEA together. You both have undesirable qualities — it’s OK; everyone does — but most of the people in your lives are used to them and know how to handle them by now. But this stranger you’ve chosen to share your life with? Is totally unaware. And the only thing worse than discovering — and hating — the other’s frailties is the fact that this makes your own weaknesses glaringly obvious. So get comfortable with that vulnerability; it’s going to be here for a little while.

You won’t have the chore thing totally figured out a year from now. And by “chore thing” I mean “modern feminism.” I know that how you guys split up the household chores is a big deal to you; you’re convinced that it will tell you everything about the life you two are going to have together.“What does it mean if I do more cooking?! NOW AM I GOING TO HAVE TO QUIT MY JOB AND START HAVING BABIES IN A YEAR?!?!??!” Well, frankly, in 2012, you still won’t know the answer to that. What you will know is that asking questions suits you. So ask questions, read everything you can on the topic, talk to your married friends, and figure out how you feel (not how you think you should feel). And talk to Eric about it! Seriously, some of the best conversations you two will have this year will be those about men’s and women’s roles and rights in our culture.

This is not a farm so…fuck “no one is going to buy the cow if you’re giving away the milk for free.” Yes, people are still using that expression in 2012. Yeah, I don’t get it either. I mean, yes I know women aren’t cows, you’re preaching to the choir. Look, I’ll keep it simple when it comes to this topic: you and Eric need to have a conversation right now about what moving in together means, and while you’re at it, you need to discuss your definitions of engagement and marriage. If you two aren’t on the same page, it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later, and if you are on the same page…well, it’s better that you know that sooner rather than later! So just talk about it! God knows how much you two like to hear the sound of your own voices…how you forgot to talk about it thus far is beyond me.

Go ahead and get two puppies. I know you guys are on the fence about this, but I can tell you now that two is the right choice. I’m not going to lie and tell you they aren’t going to be expensive or that they aren’t going to exhaust you — because holy shit, they are — but you guys will be glad you got two at the same time. They will adore each other, and you, and you two will adore each other more because of them. I was going to tell you to wait a few months before you get dogs — I know you both are excited but it couldn’t hurt to wait until later in the year to bring two extremely high-strung living beings into your home — but I’m actually going to redact that. I truly cannot imagine life right now with any dogs but the dogs you have chosen.

You can’t let everyone in. Yes, you should probably stop having sex with other people at this point, but that’s not what I’m talking about. Listen, the fact that you’re so trusting of everyone is really endearing, Rachel, but please just guard your relationship a little bit this year. I’m not saying you and Eric should live in some sort of bubble — that would be dangerous — but it’s OK to be private and not share every last detail of your relationship with anyone who asks. Protect what you have from people who don’t have your best interests at heart, and if someone has way too much to say about your relationship, you should question his or her motives, not the relationship. Ugh, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this; I know this is going to be the lesson you have to learn the hard way.

Living in sin feels a lot like summer camp. It takes a little while to get used to it, but before long, you’ll look back at the beginning and think, Why did I think this was so hard? This is awesome! A change to your living situation is never easy (forget camp; think about college!), but once you get used to it, you’ll fall in love with the new routine. In this case, that routine includes a lot of laughing at the dogs, cooking together, rocking out to 90s music, taking road trips, watching your shows, staying up all night talking…and pretty much always having a blast. Remember the “I’m so homesick, please come get me” letters you wrote your mom the first few days of camp? And then remember how you didn’t want to leave when she came and picked you up? Yep…living in sin is pretty much the same way. By the time you’re writing this letter, you’ll have crossed over to the “I don’t ever want to leave” side, and — good news! — you don’t have to.

Love,

April 2012 Rachel

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{living in sin} When There’s a Will

by Rachel on April 20, 2012

Wednesday night, Eric and I kicked off our marriage planning by planning for the end of our marriage: we made our wills. I know estate planning isn’t as sexy as wedding planning, but I’ll be honest…it was kind of a romantic date night.

Because I watch far too much Law & Order: SVU, writing a will has been on my mind for a while. In reality, I’ve only ever seen a will once, when my dad died. When I saw it, I was surprised; it had never occurred to me that he would have a will because he didn’t have any property or anything. It was simple and handwritten and simply contained his burial wishes, which were very important to him. Still, I don’t have a lot to my name, so it was hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of needing a will. Like, am I going to bequeath my Kitchen-Aid mixer? My shoes? But the fact is, when people die, their loved ones often see value — both sentimental and monetary — in things that no one could have protected.

I became a lot more concerned with writing my will when I realized recently that I have something of value that I hadn’t considered: intellectual property. All my blog posts, articles, my unfinished manuscript…I needed to think about how I’d want all these things handled after I die. If, for example, a publisher wanted publish all my blog posts in a book after I died, someone would have to say yes or no to that on my behalf and someone would profit from the royalties. I needed to decide who that person was and be sure they knew what my wishes are. I already had my intentions for my social media accounts taken care of through Entrustet, and it includes my blog, but I didn’t get into the specifics of rights and royalties there.

Honestly, I don’t know what the “right” age for making a will is. I don’t know what should go in it and what shouldn’t. All I know is that being in a serious relationship and not being married is a bit of a legal limbo, and I didn’t want to be in it. Ultimately, I just wanted to make sure that the people I love don’t have to guess at what I want or fight each other. And that’s the unexpectedly romantic part about making a will: you’re saying to the people you care about, Hey, I love you enough to protect you after I’m gone. If the worst happens, I want to make things as easy as possible for you.

We kicked off our will-making date by making dinner and, while eating, we talked about our funeral and burial wishes. While it’s heavy stuff to talk about, we actually…had fun doing it? I think maybe it was because we were learning more about each other in the process. But also because Eric and I really enjoy analyzing trends, culture, rituals, and the laws regarding them, and then talking about them for a while, until they lead us in a new direction, and then another, and another, until finally one of us insists we call it quits because we’ve realized, oh shit, it’s almost morning. My point is, talking about death and the laws and customs surrounding it was actually a really interesting topic for us and so we enjoyed it like we would any other conversation.

We did let the “till death do us part” aspect of the conversation sink in too, and while I know that’s implied with engagement and marriage, talking about it and planning for it was…reassuring. It was less depressing and more comforting than I expected. After we wrote down the things we wanted and didn’t want for our funerals, we moved on to making our wills. We both got out our laptops, found websites for making a will (he used Law Depot; I used LegacyWriter), and got down to business. I had heard it was pretty easy to make a will if you’re young and don’t have a lot of property or heirs, and it was. We worked on them for about an hour, mostly in silence, though every few minutes, one of us would look up and say things like , “Wait, so who should get the dogs if we both die?” and “Hm. I think I only have two specific gifts to bequeath…can you think of anything else?” and “Wait, so what happens to your debt when you die?”

Once we finished, we paid ($20 each), read the instructions on how to make it official (hint: you actually have to go through a “Will Signing Ceremony,” at least in Texas, which isn’t a big deal but sounds sort of funny and archaic), and now we’ve gone ahead and made it official! And it’s been kind of a relief. Not because I think about death every second of the day, but because when I do think about it, I imagine the worst worst-case scenario. In my mind, not only would one of us be devastated if the other died…we’d be devastated with two dogs, an apartment, very far from our family, and facing insurmountable court battles with the other’s family.

But now we only have to worry about being devastated. And, like I said, that we made it a priority to get to that point feels way more romantic than I ever expected.

{ 27 comments }

{living in sin} A Most Engaging Weekend

by Rachel on April 2, 2012

Eric and I have known for a long time that we were going to get married some day. In fact, it was never really a question for us. So we didn’t have much need for a traditional proposal. I mean…why ask “Will you marry me?” when you’ve been asking different variations of that question for the past two years now?

And on and on and on.

Eric and I have talked a lot about what it means to be engaged in 2012. When you live together and intend to get married, you really have to think about what the point of a proposal and engagement is. We agreed that we had done too much work, gotten too much happiness and satisfaction, made too many plans, made too many sacrifices, given and accepted too much support, and rearranged our lives for each other in a way that most people don’t unless they’re planning to spend the rest of their lives together. We both knew that privately, emotionally, we’ve been engaged for a long time.

After some discussion, we decided that for us, an engagement doesn’t mean wedding planning. It doesn’t mean our relationship will suddenly change. It’s simply a new label. It’s an announcement. It’s a very efficient way of telling people what your intentions are. We decided that getting engaged wasn’t about what we’d been saying and doing privately; it was the moment when we talked about it publicly. So even though getting engaged was about us, we felt like it was really more about our families, friends, and communities. And we felt like yeah, there was a need for some sort of a ritual to go along with that announcement. So rather than either of us planning a surprise for the other, we decided that we would surprise them.

So along with shopping for rings for both of us (which is a whole other story for another day!), we started planning a way to surprise our families with the news. We don’t get to see our families very often, so seeing them in person for this was important to us. Eventually we were able to get his parents and my mom to plan a trip to Houston for this past weekend, under the guise of meeting each other for the first time. Once the plane tickets were booked, we started planning a surprise engagement party. My amazing coworker Jacob designed this evite (though it actually had a date, time, and address on it) and we sent it to all of our friends and even some family members — everyone but the parents.

It was hard keeping it a secret, and I was a lot more emotional and anxious than I expected in the last couple weeks leading up to it, but still — it was really fun. Even though I didn’t propose to Eric, I’m glad I still got to experience some of the fun of planning an engagement surprise like this because, well, planning surprises for people you love is awesome! I really loved having a role in it. Because it’s a big announcement and we wanted to give them some time to process it, we decided to tell our parents just before they arrived in Houston. So last Wednesday evening, Eric and I exchanged rings at home — after walking the dogs, while waiting for our DiGiorno pizza and “Psych,” our typical Wednesday night date night — and then we “made it official” by telling our parents and sending them a picture of our rings.

As we had anticipated, they were surprised (sort of — my mom and his mom’s coworkers were all suspicious that a big announcement was coming this weekend) and happy. They arrived in Houston just happy see us and to meet each other and eager to relax, hang out, and do a little celebrating. My best friend Beth flew in from Chicago on Friday night and it was awesome having her here (and that was another mini-surprise for my mom, who has known Beth since we were kids and loves her like part of the family). The rest of my friends knew what was happening and sent tons of love our way last week and throughout the weekend. We spent plenty of time relaxing and then on Saturday night had our party with friends, coworkers, and our families. It was incredibly chill — Beth’s (fabulous) champagne toast midway through was really the only engagement/wedding/bridal thing we had at the party — which made me happy. Sunday, Eric’s parents headed home, so we spent the day at the pool with my mom and Beth just hanging out and relaxing. It was an awesome weekend — everything I’d want from a proposal/engagement. It was so awesome, in fact, that we only stopped for one picture together the entire weekend, about midway through the party.

Which, I’m sure you know, means it was a very full, happy weekend.

So…I’m engaged! And…now life goes back to normal! Really, I doubt that our day-to-day lives will change very much any time soon. Eric and I both have a lot of things we want to accomplish before we get married, both personally and as a couple, so we aren’t setting a wedding date until we have a better idea of how long it will take us to check those items off of our list. I don’t think either of us expected some big change; I know that I’ve been noticing how we’ve been changing gradually over the past year in all sorts of ways and I’m sure we’ll live our way into being ready to set a date and being ready for marriage.

(And I hope we’ll eventually live our way into being comfortable calling each other “fiance;” for now, the most we can bring ourselves to do is occasionally write out the word “feyonce.”)

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{living in sin} The Joint Checking Account

March 27, 2012

After I wrote about splitting the cost of birth control with your male partner last week, a few people asked me to write about splitting the cost of everything else. It’s a post that I’ve been wanting to write; I’ve simply been waiting until I had a better idea if what we were doing was [...]

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{living in sin} Who Pays to Play?

March 20, 2012

I realized a few weeks ago that my birth control prescription was about to run out. This is actually the first time I’ve needed a refill in 2012 (I went back on Seasonale after having my IUD removed in December) which makes this my first time refilling my prescription since I switched to a new insurance [...]

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{the life} The Smug-O-Matic

February 23, 2012

I’m currently at a point in my life where I feel like I should be eating more vegetables. Right now, my diet is good, but it’s not great. There aren’t a lot of unhealthy, processed foods going in…but there aren’t a lot of vegetables going in either. There are some, yes, but I’m used to [...]

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{living in sin} Falling in Love is Like Owning a Dog

February 14, 2012

For Valentine’s Day this year, I gave Eric framed photos of Chuck and Indian along with a printed copy of this poem by Taylor Mali. It felt appropriate, given the year we’ve had after adopting puppies. I think it’s a lovely poem so I wanted to share. Happy Valentine’s Day! Falling in Love is Like [...]

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{the life} Valentine’s Day The Second

February 13, 2012

Eric and I celebrated Valentine’s Day on Saturday and it really was my idea of a perfect day. After sleeping in and then eating Snickers and peanut butter muffins for breakfast, we got dressed, dropped the dogs off at doggie day camp, and headed to the outlet malls to go shopping. Yes, going to the [...]

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{the life} The Sudden Loss of My Morning Person Personality

February 6, 2012

I’ve experienced a lot of big changes in my life over the past two years, but one of the biggest changes is one that I am not sure most people outside my immediate circle would even notice, but it’s there: I’ve lost my morning person personality. The Moment I Wake Up… I have been a [...]

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Lesson #116: Un-learning Learned Incompetence

January 9, 2012

One of the biggest things I’ve learned after nine months of living in sin is that if you want something done a certain way…you should not do it yourself. This is not what I would have assumed a year ago. If someone can’t do something “right” or the way you think it should be done, [...]

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